Archive for the life Category

Beautiful Imperfection.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Daddy Issues, Heart-to-Hearts, life, Love, Marriage, My Mom, Weddings on December 22, 2008 by Danielle Self

Its amazing the amount of things that can happen when you aren’t paying attention.

In the past year, I moved, went back to school, got re-engaged, dropped back out of school, got in a wreck, got a new car, decided said new car was a junker, got married, got in another wreck, lost a best friend, gained a new best friend, lost my father, got married again, and am now awaiting another move in a week.

Today is December 22, 2008 and I have been legally married to my husband for nearly 3 months now even though we just had the wedding on the 18th. It was beautiful. Of course there were a few things that didn’t go perfectly but really that’s part of what made it so beautiful.

As I sit here at my new mother-in-law’s house and watch my husband sleep in his signature pose (mouth WIDE open), I can’t help but realize how lucky I am to find a match that fits me so well. No, he’s not perfect. But neither am I. We argue… we fight… we definitely disagree on some things… but all in all we are each other’s perfect balance.

Its odd to think about how one minor decision changed on either side could have altered everything. Now I couldn’t be more thankful for my past drinking problems and his failure to even show up to his classes.

Not only has my marital status changed, but so has my religious status. A self proclaimed atheist mere weeks ago, I’m ready to start believing there is a God again. I’m still not so sure about this Heaven and Hell stuff… but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no way that all of the things that happened to get me here writing this today could have happened without a little guidance from the giant puppeteer in the sky.

Also, if there were no God… then how could I feel my dad watching me right now as I type? I miss him. More than I thought I would, to be honest. I guess its the old saying that you never really know what you have until its gone. Yes, he made many many many mistakes and for a while I really and truly hated him for it. But it was another one of those things that had it not happened, my life would have been drastically different and I’m 100% positive that I wouldn’t be sitting here next to my prissy little puppy and snoozing husband.

Now, I’m about to head back off to Hawaii. The one thing that crosses my mind? How desperately I’m going to miss my mom. There are other people and things I’m going to miss here… but my mom. My mom has been my rock for so long and kept me grounded and heading in the right direction. She’s not perfect… but we’re developing the perfect balance in our relationship more and more everyday. Its so easy to take people for granted until they are taken away from you. I know that my mom will always be there for me… but its different when you are 4,000 miles away. I’ll just have to keep my promise of no babies until I’m back in the Continental so she can spoil them properly.

In a messy room… filled with dirty clothes, beer, game cords, not much money, but a whole lot of love… I must say that I am easily one of the luckiest people in the world.

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The best 10 days- EVER.

Posted in life, Love, Marriage, Weddings on October 5, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’m married.

True.

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I was/am scared shitless.

Yes, we are still having the wedding in December.

Justin went back to Hawaii today.  I’ve decided that instead of wallowing in self pity… I’m going to blog, work out (Since I gained like 8 lbs while he was here), help mom clean house (Since I live with her now…), then repack my room and get it all ready to put in the pod and ship off to our new home.

So happy thoughts.  Happy thoughts.

Highlights from the engagement party:

My cousins baby showed me why I should invest in birth control.  I dont like baby slobber... and they slobber a lot.

My cousin's baby showed me why I should invest in birth control. I don't like baby slobber... and they slobber a lot.

 

Yea... I was that happy with him here.

Yea... I was that happy with him here. We are just too freakin' cute. :-)

My mom likes pictures where you arent looking at the camera.

My mom likes pictures where you aren't looking at the camera.

Again... look over there!

Again... look over there!

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

I love him.  My husband.

I love him. My husband.

Randomosity.

Randomosity.

 

He is so sweet to me....

He is so sweet to me....

What am I the Wizard of Oz? Need a brain? Need a heart? Here take mine.

Posted in Books, Bring on the Rain, Growing Up, I heart Lists, life, So I'm a bit crazy sometimes..., WHAT?! on September 21, 2008 by Danielle Self

I realize that I have been gone for far too long and that I perhaps have lost ALL of my regular readers… but honestly, that was a price that I was willing to pay. I had to make certain people forget that I had a blog. Hopefully it worked. Hopefully they don’t check this anymore. And again… hopefully I can get back to spilling things out like I was prior to my big outing. Because honestly- I need this blog. I need it as an outlet to let myself know that Im not as crazy as I feel. That there are other people out there that go through similar things. Writing in my journal over the past few weeks has helped a bit but not near as much as this was.

So back to where we left off- I’m honestly not sure where to begin… so much has happened in the past month that its been slightly EXTREMELY overwhelming. Guess that means only one thing. Bullet time.

  • I bought a new car. 2005 Altima in a Charcoal Gray. Its so pretty and exactly what I wanted. I managed to flirt enough that they pushed me down to 7000 below internet price. I began to regret that flirting decision when the 40 something financial guy from Toyota started stalker calling me to go to Padrissimo (a Hispanic Dance Club) ANYWHO. The next morning after I took my perfect car home it started smoking. Long story short- I’ve been in a rental car for the past month as they put in a new engine.
  • Rental Car. Right? That was smashed into a pole last weekend after I made a bad decision to go drink 3/4 of a fifth of Smirnoff and then go joy riding to my old sorority house. WHY?! Who knows… but I am so broke now that its not even funny. Its horrible to say but I am very very fortunate that is all that happened. Thank God there were no other cars involved nor the police. THAT would have been really bad. I am not hurt either. I didn’t even know that I had wrecked until the next morning. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky that it happened.. just fortunate that that was ALL that happened.
  • Resulting Consequences? $500 paid to the rental company and the wreck go on my insurance. Fiance has prohibited drinking and “strongly discourages” me hanging out with my best guy friend from here. He said that if I touched another glass of alcohol until he thought I was ready that the wedding was off. Needless to say- I gave my roommate my alcohol and told her to have it drank before the end of the week or it was going down the drain. It was gone 2 nights later.
  • J forgave me and we began to move on. Things were tight but we were making it. All we needed was to sell my car back in Hawaii and we were home free. 3 days after the accident Justin called and told me that my car was totaled. He had taken it to go show it to a chick in the military that was really interested and it wouldn’t start. He took it to the shop and they told him that the repairs would be about $2000… blown head gasket among other things… the car is only worth about $3000. So the best deal we could manage was to give it to someone that agreed to tow it off the mechanics lot for free.
  • Oh, and did I mention that my alcoholic escapade, the wreck, the car not being able to be sold and my car tags being due all occurred within the same week and couple days?! Yea. BAD WEEK.
  • Yea. I’m broke. I have School bills to pay that I was forced to put on my credit card. Thats a good $1300… now that the car didn’t sell I have to put my sales tax for my new car on my credit card as well which I’m anticipating to be about another $1000. Then somehow I need to buy Justin’s wedding band which is another $850ish. ANNNNNNNNNNNND we need to ship my car back to Hawaii in December which is $1500. ANNNNNNNNND we need to furnish our new house. Yea. Broke doesn’t QUITE describe that loads of crap I’m wading through.
  • Solutions? I’m moving back in with the parentals until the wedding. Yes, its only 2 months but I still feel like a serious failure at life. I’m selling all my pageant paraphernalia on ebay. And signing my life away over to odd jobs. Earlier this week I babysat my demon half-siblings. And tomorrow I am pulling weeds for my mom and cleaning her resource room. BLEGH. NOT FUN. But you do what you have to do right?
  • And here’s the real kicker and the thing that really is going to save or destroy everything. The top secret mission. Justin and I are getting married when he comes in town this weekend. As in going to the justice of the peace and signing the paperwork. I know this sounds silly considering we are so close to the actual wedding… but we both know that we are getting married and he gets paid an extra $2500ish a month for us being married. And obviously as you can see in the earlier bullets that we could really use that extra money. So thats how its going to save everything. It could seriously get destroyed though if my mother finds out. I’m doubting that she would be as obliged to pay for the wedding if she knew that the reason that there was the wedding was already taken care of. Now I thought this would be easy to hide from her until my father made a good point. Legal things are put in the paper as public record and there is nothing that you can do to get them out of there. All it would take is one of her nosy friends to be looking through there and then we would be screwed.
  • OH and another thing. My laptop died. Like not the battery died. The computer itself is dead. Gone to a better place… dead. The screen refuses to come back on. I called a repair place to get a quote and he said about $250 I decided at that point that it was better to call it a loss and save up for a new MacBook when possible.
  • My. World. Has. Been. A. Black. Hole. Of. Despair. Seriously. Black. Hole.

The only thing that has been bringing light into my life is knowing that I get to see J in LESS THAN FOUR DAYS!!!!! And I’ve recently become sucked into Twilight. I read the first two books in 3 days. I’m about three quarters ways through the last book. I fracking LOVE those books. I want to be a vampire and I want to make out with Edward Cullen. I’m going to find him. End of story.

It’s never safe to be nostalgic about something until you’re absolutely certain there’s no chance of its coming back.

Posted in Growing Up, life, So I'm a bit crazy sometimes... on August 3, 2008 by Danielle Self

I interrupt the regularly scheduled programming to bring you a blast from my past.

I realize I promised an awesome link post but I got caught up in buying a car. (Which I shall discuss later) But I’m almost done with the post…. so just keep checking back…. but until then-

I have to say that nostalgia has hit me hard.  As in… I miss everything.  

There’s a great quote that I found about nostalgia when I was looking for an appropriate title to this post- Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

I agree whole heartedly.  Right at the end of freshman year my BFF and I made videos commemorating our year. I mean Lets get real- my freshman year sucked…. I was drunk 85% of the time, I got my heart broken, I failed all my classes, had many nights that I’d rather forget and then some I wished I remembered.  But every time I look back at these videos, I can’t help but want to go back and call all of the old gang and get wasted and remember all those crazy times. 

My two best friends in the entire world from that year and I don’t even speak anymore…. its sad to look at these videos plastered with pictures of us and then realize that they aren’t there anymore. Its weird to see how someone who is such a huge part of your life can be non-existent in it in a matter of a few weeks. 

But.  I’m getting married.  And I couldn’t be happier. Everything that I’ve done and experienced has lead me to this point and I am so happy that I’m moving on with an amazing person.  Just today there is that little thing in the back of my head that longs for being a child again so I don’t have to worry about bills or the future.  All that mattered was right then, the cutest guy in the room and how much was in my flask. 

What about those videos that BFF and I made?  Well I’m glad you asked.

Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously.

Posted in Growing Up, life, Random on April 22, 2008 by Danielle Self

I started reading “Stupid and Contagious” by Caprice Crane yesterday which just so happens to be an AMAZING book so far. I’ll go more into that when I finish it but what I mean to talk about is that there seemed to be a reoccurring theme in my day.

The theme was choices and how they shape every. single. little. moment. of your life. There was an excerpt from the book where Brady was talking about how every little thing that he did had led up to his recent ex and how had one little tiny little thing changed that he probably would not have met her.  Then when I was watching Greek (which was a phenomenal episode) they were going back in the past and showing how that little choices led to bigger choices which led to huge moments in time that changed Everything.

Then I got to thinking about how little things have changed my life so drastically. Its crazy how you take little to no time to make some decisions which in retrospect could be the most important moment in your life.  For instance, had you not worn a certain color dress to a party maybe that guy wouldn’t have noticed you and then the first and subsequent second, third, fourth, etc dates wouldn’t have occurred.  Then where would you be had you never met him?

For me, it was what if I hadn’t started drinking after high school?- Would T and I still be together? Would I be in Hawaii?…. What if I had gone to Baylor like I had originally planned?- Who would I have met? How would things be different?…. What if I had pledged the other sorority that I went to on pref night?- Who would have been my partner in crime? Would I have even had one? What secrets would I have learned?… What if J and I had slowed things down from the very beginning?- Would we still be together?  What would our relationship be like now?

Its crazy when you realize that small decisions make such a huge impact on every moment in your life.  I skipped the gym yesterday because my stomach was upset- If I would have went, would I have met someone? Would I have hurt myself? Little things like that where you don’t really think it makes a difference could have been a defining moment in the master plan of your life.

Even if you choose to not make a choice- that in itself is a choice. Its crazy to think about.

I know its dumb to think about so much and it does nothing to think about the what ifs but its kind of cool to think that each day you are making monumental decisions that define your life and where you will be in a week… month… a year… and even ten years.

Part of me thinks that everyone holds the key to their own destiny and each choice is consciously made and leads you on one path or another to a future that you are shaping with each moment.  However on the other hand, part of me wants to believe in destiny. That each decision kind of tricks you into thinking that you made it on your own.  But that each person has a predetermined destiny and future.  Kind of the idea that although smaller decisions may change,  they are completely linked into one large cosmic maze that ultimately has only one exit.

Interesting.  Very interesting.

All things positive

Posted in Getting in shape, I heart Lists, life on April 14, 2008 by Danielle Self

Today when I was looking at my dashboard I saw that someone had found my site using “I love him, but he doesn’t love me back”… at that point I decided that this blog has taken a nasty turn towards Feel-Sorry-For-Myself-Ville. Ya know, right next to SelfLoathing Town?  Therefore, today’s post is going to be dedicated to all the positive things I have going on in my life.

  1. I lost another 2 lbs.  That makes 24 since J and I broke up in December. Only 16 until I’m perfectly happy with my body. I’m hoping to get 10 of those off before I go back home in a month and 4 days.
  2. My BFF called me for the first time in a month or so.  I swear we’re soul mates. She just knew.
  3. After I blogged yesterday and was still feeling sorry for myself and still crying, my beautiful puppy walked up to me laying on the couch and literally licked all my tears away. I love him. Introducing my little BoBo-
  4. Greek comes on tonight.  That always makes me smile. I swear if I have to watch MY Scott Michael Foster make out with Rebecca Logan one more time though… Ha.
  5. I have A LOT of money in my checking account… and since I am no longer taking J skydiving before I leave, I’m thinking that I should buy myself something pretty.
  6. I have a job lined up as a personal assistant when I get home.  Woot woot!
  7. LA Lawyer emailed again.  Since I’m flying home with my puppy, I am going to make a short trip out there sometime this summer when he’s available.  All expenses on him. :-)
  8. Not having to hang out with J on the weekends means that I get to go to the beach and show off my 24 pounds skinnier body and sexy swimsuits I bought a few weeks ago (that I have yet to be able to wear because he refuses to go to the beach because hes “too white and fat”).
  9. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow and since I’m not in the states I’m not obligated to go see him!
  10. I get to go flirt with the cute guys that work at the gym in about 10 mintues :-)

See… life is good. I just forget sometimes.
Oh and if you’re having issues finding a reason to smile today.  Watch this video- if you don’t laugh, you aren’t human.

I’m going home.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Growing Up, life, Love on April 13, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’ve rewritten the first line to this blog at least 10 times… and I think that is a complete picture of what the inside of my head feels like right now. So if the blog doesn’t make much sense… I’m sorry.  I just want to get this out in the open.  I need to talk about this.  And seeing as my best friend is too wrapped up in her stupid boyfriend to talk and my mom hates J so she won’t listen…. and my brother is in Korea…. this is all I’ve got.

J and I just got in a fight.  As in a turn off the tv, yelling at each other, semi breaking up, relationship defining fight.  We were watching “I Know My Kids a Star” on VH1 which was probably a bad idea in the beginning but there was nothing else on and its raining so we couldn’t get out.  J has this thing about how he hates for parents to live their lives through their kids and push them too hard.  When one of the mom-child combos were eliminated, the mom kept telling the daughter that she was the best and that the judges must not have known what they were talking about, etc.  Whereas I didn’t see anything wrong with a little self esteem boost from the mom, J started getting really mad.  He started going on this rant about how you should never tell your kids that they are the best or better than anyone else because its putting them on a pedestal and they’ll stop working so hard.  I said that I didn’t agree and he started throwing all these questions at me and being really mean saying that I was stupid and I didn’t know what I was talking about. I started getting really offended that he was saying some of the things that he was saying.  I get that he doesn’t agree with me but I didn’t think that there was any reason to attack my mom and my personal character.  So I told him that it was clear that we weren’t going to agree so we should just drop it and I turned the television back on.  He kept sitting there pouting for about 15 minutes and even through me trying to lighten up the mood and make him laugh he kept sulking. So I turned the tv back off and asked him what was really wrong.  He said that I was right.  It was clear that we were never going to agree on anything to do with raising kids.  So therefore it was clear that we were never going to work out.  It didn’t matter that he loved almost every little thing about me- raising kids is a big deal.  And he feels that the ideals that I have when it comes to raising kids is “poison in the veins of a child”. So he got up- started packing his things- and left.  Without saying another word.

I held it together in front of him and put my stone face on but the moment the door slammed I lost it.  I haven’t cried that hard in a long time.  Its like the craziest rollercoaster in the world with J. The highs are record breaking highs and the lows nearly derail me. Its one of those coasters that the entire time you are at the top you’re anticipating the bottoms and at the bottoms you can’t see that you nearly crashed.. all you can see is that it will go up again.  But no matter where you are- you’re sick to your stomach and thinking that you want to get off right. now. but you also want to see how long the whole ride lasts and if it ever levels off.

I don’t get it.  J is not right for me.  I know this.  I know that he is an asshole and has horrible values and his sister is a freaking psychopath. I know that he’s mean and rude and doesn’t respect his elders.  I know that he doesn’t have many goals and is constantly contridicting himself.  I know that physically and stylishly he’s not my type.  I know that he never wants his daughter to be in pageants.  I know that he wants his kids to wake up at the crack of dawn to clean before school.  I know that he believes in harsh punishment.  I know that he yells too much.  I know that him calling me names shouldn’t be okay.  I know that he’s shady when it comes to the girls he talks to.  I know that him not being able to get past my past is a big deal.  I know that he has horrible taste in music and is annoyingly OCD when it comes to his stuff.  I know that he sometimes embarasses me in public and I know that he would be a good father but HORRIBLE dad. I know that he always has to be right and will not drop an argument until he thinks you believe he is right too. I know that our personalities don’t mix.  I know that him laughing at me shouldn’t be acceptable. I know he’s not perfect… far from it actually.  But I also know that I love him.  Why? Why? Why?

He’s not right for me and I know I could do better…. but I don’t want to.  I want J and its so frustrating that he is the way he is.  Maybe its because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel with him.  Maybe I’m still thinking of the guy that I met and fell in love with.  The one that put me on his shoulders at the beach so that I could see the turtle in the water- the one that told me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me- the one that said that he loved everything about me including my flaws- the one that couldn’t wait to get home to see me and the one that would look me in the eyes all the time and tell me that he couldn’t live without me. Maybe thats the guy that I can’t let go.  The one that made me think it was okay to get engaged after a month.  The one that made me forget about T.  When we broke off the engagement he said that he had went into some sort of trance and wasn’t really him when we met.  He said that he was on “auto-pilot”.  I thought it was a line.  Apparently it was a totally different person.

I want that person back.

I want to go home. Now.