Archive for the Hawaii Category

Okay Universe, I get it.

Posted in Hawaii, Love on June 1, 2008 by Danielle Self

Lo siento for my hiatus this past week.  I have been trying to spend every single waking moment with J.  Yesterday morning, I went with his family to take him to the airport. So naturally, yesterday was “crying day” where I just wallowed in self pity until I literally couldn’t cry anymore.  And today I’m back.  Actually its like 4 in the morning… I just woke up to talk to J via webcam when he got back to his barracks.  And decided while I’m up and still don’t have cable in my apartment I should get back to the blog of it.

So, yea.. again yesterday= crying/wallow in self pity day. It seemed like every freaking where I looked I saw Hawaii.  I took some boxes to the dumpster…. on my way there I got to pass a couple more buildings.  One of which had a huge ass “I Love Hawaii” beach towel hanging from the banister.  I literally yelled “F*ck You” to the people whose apartment it was and started crying.  They were sitting on the balcony and probably really confused.  Then I was laying down watching Ever After and I got to thinking- Drew Barrymore stars in the movie…. she also starred in “50 First Dates” which was filmed in Hawaii. Okay I’m kind of pulling a “The Number 23.”  But still it just seemed like Hawaii was following me all day yesterday.

Now I’m here.  In my apartment.  Laying in bed.  All alone.  J laid in this same bed with me just two nights ago.  Sucks.


Lost in Translation

Posted in Hawaii, Random, The South, Work on May 8, 2008 by Danielle Self

Pre-story: The real estate office that I work with has been entertaining an investor from Bulgaria. He’s super duper rich and is one of the top 10 builders in the entire nation of Bulgaria. He LOVES his mother land and is VERY European. As in, the first time I met him he was wearing booty shorts that I’m not even brave enough to wear. His name is Milen (Pronounced Mee-lan).

Milen: (Points at me) She no Hawaiian no?
CoWorker: No, Milen. She is from Arkansas. She is American.
Milen: Where is this Arkansas (Pronounced: Ar-can-sass)?
Me: Southern America
Milen: (shrug)
Me: By Texas.
Milen: Ahhhh! Texas! I know Texas! I fly with people from Texas. They no smell nice. Smell like no have shower for week.
Me: Haha… well some people probably don’t shower that much.
Milen: No all Texas people no smell good. Smell like dirty shower. I no say you smell no good. Texas people smell no good.

Next Day

Me: Hi Milen! How are you?
Milen: (Moves mere inches from my face) I’m doing good. How is you?
Me: I’m doing great, Thanks. You smell nice. (He really did… )
Milen: Oh! I no smell like I form Texas no?
Me: Hah… you smell good. Better than Texas people.
Milen: You like my smell?
Me: Yes I do. Its very nice.
Milen: I don’t know if I smell Texas people or their villages. Texas get around on horse no?
Me: I’m sorry?
Milen: Texas people go on horse from village to village no?
Me: Absolutely… I wish we had cars there. It’d make things a lot easier.
Milen: How big Arkansas city?
Me: Oh… about half a million.
Milen: That all? That small. Where is Arkansas City by?
Me: Um… Its by Dallas.
Milen: Oh! Dallas. Dallas pretty but no smell good.

The Day After that my boss told me that while they were at dinner Milen asked if he thought I would “make sex” with him. He wanted me to go back to Bulgaria with him and be ONE of his girlfriends. Someone asked how he got referred to such a small real estate company. Our loan officer’s mom does his hair plugs.

Dear People of Oahu,

Posted in Hawaii, This makes serial killers, Unsent Letters on May 1, 2008 by Danielle Self

It is NOT okay to let your 2-5 year olds hang out in empty parking lots by themselves.  I don’t care if you live in the apartments right next to the parking lot.  It is a YOUNG CHILD walking around without supervision.  Do y’all remember the 2 year old that was thrown from the overpass onto the freeway?! Do you realize that could have been anyone’s child?  Including yours! Wise up.  Watch your children.  Its not hard.

Pregnancy is beautiful. Absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.  UNTIL you wear a belly shirt and booty shorts so that you can show off your marijuana plant tattoo on your abdomen.  Nice. (I thought about taking a discrete picture with my phone when I saw this but decided pregnant or not she could kick my ass…)

Why do you vandalize everything?  I mean legit everything.  CompUSA has been closed like a month and you can barely tell that it was painted white at one point.  Its ridiculous.  Since when is spray painting stuff is bad hand writing cool?  And why didn’t anyone tell me when this crossed over from seriously skanky?

Why do you all suck at driving?  If you are EXACTLY even with my car on the road… chances are I can not see your turn signal.  It DOES NOT HELP matters when you decided that since I haven’t let you in front of me, to go ahead and start moving in my lane.  When I’m still EXACTLY even with you. Tell me what logic this makes.  I will hunt you down.

Just so you know- the red, yellow, and green thing- is Jamaica’s deal.  Not yours.  STOP EFFING WEARING IT LIKE YOU ARE SO ORIGINAL. It not only is not original… but ugly.  Deal.

Have you all ever heard of ambition? I’m doubting it… but living with your parents until you are 32 because its easy, not necessary… is NOT a component of ambition.

Locals- (specifically… my neighbors) driving your big ass truck on MY yard is not okay. Leaving your flip flops on MY yard is not okay.  AND MOST IMPORTANTLY leaving all your trash on my yard IS NOT OKAY.

Buying cars and putting “In Memory Of——” should not be a trendy thing to do.  It doesn’t make sense either!  You bought your car in loving memory of your deceased aunt?  No you didn’t… you bought it in loving memory of driving around instead of taking the bus. Like I’m all about making tributes to those that we’ve lost… but thats not the way to do it.

Have you ever heard of cleaning up after yourselves?  Hawaii would be SO much more beautiful if you all would just care about your house and yard and area in general.  I’m tired of seeing decent apartments and houses look like trash because y’all just don’t care.  You always blame the military for making Hawaii less beautiful.  If it wasn’t for the military here… we might as well just make you all a land fill island.  For the trash.  Locals… obviously you’ll be able to stay since you fit so neatly into that category.

I’m pissy.  Sorry.  No… you know what?  I’m not sorry. I’m pissy and Hawaii- you deserve all the rage that you are getting from me.  Probably even more.  I wish one of those volcanoes would take you out… never to be seen again.

A weekend full of bullets. (not literally… literary)

Posted in Dreams (the kind you have while sleeping), Freaking Hilarious, Hawaii, I heart Lists, Random, Television on April 28, 2008 by Danielle Self
  • If I have ONE more dream about television I may be forced to with go watching it for a couple weeks.  This time I dreamed I was one of Hef’s girlfriends… I love me some Girls Next Door.
  • I played Wii for like 2 hours a day Saturday and Sunday… I can’t decide if I’m just a lot more out of shape than I had originally thought or if playing the wii is just that good of a work out.  Either way- I breathe and I feel every muscle in my back and I can’t straighten my arms out completely.  I haven’t been this sore in FOREVER.
  • Saturday was J’s dad’s death day… 9 years.  Pretty crazy….
  • J and I went to go see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last weekend.  So OBVIOUSLY this weekend was filled to the brim with the unforgetable scene “I’ve got a surprise for you!” while I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe. Ever notice how a naked girl is sexy and a naked guy is funny?  Haha
  • I figured out how to get all the photos off my iPhone.  It was a magnificent moment of clarity. 4 months of attempts… concluding with SUCCESS! See a few examples of my world below.

    WHAT THE EFF IS ON THAT GUY’S HEAD?! I’ll tell you what… lots of tiny rubber bands.  Guy- You looked like such a douche bag that I had to take a picture of you.  Color coordinating your hair ties with your t-shirt= NOT COOL.

    OMG.  Hahahaha J found a tattoo in his poptart box so I convinced him that ass tattoos are exponentially cooler than upper arm tattoos.  TO THE MOOOOON!

    Alright alright alright… Hawaii doesn’t suck all the time.

    In fact sometimes… its quite pretty.
  • I had the CRAZIEST dream… I was going to prom with the most random people in the world.  My date was this guy that I knew in high school but never once talked to.  The whole day before prom I had this power to “fix” whatever I wanted.  Almost like I had unlimited wishes.  All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine what I had was what I wanted and when I opened my eyes, it would be changed. I thought this was a great insight on how I’ve been feeling lately.  So while I was driving around earlier in the day I wished that my water was a delicious shake that was good for me.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my dress was designer.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my date was hotter.  And then he was.  Then I wished that I had the most perfect smokey eye look.  And then I did. By the end of my dream though, no one wanted to go to prom so it didn’t matter what my dress looked like or my make up.  Random… but neat I guess.  I wish I had that power. That’d be BA.

Blog-tastic Work Fun

Posted in Blogging, Hawaii, Work on March 19, 2008 by Danielle Self

I realize that I’ve been blogging out the wazoo the past couple days but hey- I have a lot of catching up to do. Plus some scandalous tidbits of life just happened and were literally begging to be put on the web.

I work at a small real estate company in Honolulu as an office assistant. Just general office work is my specialty. I smile and greet people, type, organize, manage, etc. I have been employed here for 4 months and absolutely love the people that I work with. (Yea… some are socially awkward but they grew up in Hawaii… what can you expect?) However, I have made a recent life decision that I am moving back to Arkansas to continue with school and be closer to my family. I’ve known this for about a month now and have already put a deposit on an apartment and reapplied (and been accepted) to school. While, I haven’t exactly told work yet, I have an excuse. I am not moving until the middle of May and being as it is now the middle of March, I don’t want them to find someone else and me be without a job for the next two months while my bills and moving expenses go off without a hitch. Therefore, I’m waiting until the beginning of May to tell them. I figure that that would be best seeing as it still gives them two weeks to find someone new and I still get to keep my job as long as possible.

One problem- I apparently kick ass at my job and am better than anyone they have ever had. Last month, (right after I put down my deposit) they presented me with a raise, which I gladly took. Our president is in town this week and I just got out of a meeting with him and the Principal Brokers about 2 minutes ago… and I’m apparently getting a promotion to presenter as well. Meaning that I’ll be getting another raise and bonus every time someone signs a Buyer’s Agreement. Holy. Cow. My lies are getting bigger and bigger. I’m not sure how much longer I can hide this. Apparently everyone in the office was in on this little secret but me because they keep coming up to me with their faces all lit up asking if I’m excited and saying “Congrats!” And well really, I can’t be like “Oh, thanks but no thanks. I don’t like having more money. I’ll pass on the promotion. ‘Preciate it though!” So I keep having to put up this front like I’m planning on living in Hawaii forever and that I love my job and I can’t wait for them to spend countless moments training me for this position I’m going to have a month and a half and then bolt. And on top of that I’m going to be getting like a $3/hr raise… Blah! I’m on lunch break right now with my trusty laptop fuming over the presentation of my newly acquired presentation skills that I’m supposed to give in oh…. 2 hours. I was presented the information for the first time about 45-60 minutes ago. Apparently this is what its like to be a big girl with a big girl job. Who knew?

** Update** I’ve decided not to take the job.  Wish me luck in explaining why to my bosses tomorrow…