Archive for the Growing Up Category

The Saga Continues…

Posted in Daddy Issues, Growing Up, Heart-to-Hearts, WHAT?! on January 28, 2009 by Danielle Self

My brother texted me last night.

My uncle tried to kill himself over the weekend.

He hasn’t been coping well since my father died and apparently decided that he didn’t want to try coping anymore.  So he took 25 Ambien and slit his wrists.  Totally disregarding his 2 young girls, 2 step children, wife, and military career.

I understand that he’s sad that Daddy is gone… I’m sad…. my brother is sad… a lot of people are still hurting that he’s gone. But none of us are going to end our lives because we can’t deal.

I’m just totally confused at it all… not simply because he thought that that was the only way to make it stop hurting but that they weren’t close.  I get that they were brothers so there’s automatically a special bond there…. but other than that basic brother bond…. that was it.  They didn’t speak.  They didn’t email. Nothing. In fact, if anything it was more of the opposite.  They went out of their way to not speak.

What bothers me most though is that people are putting this golden glow around my dad since he’s gone.  He was a great man.  He was.  But like any other human he had his faults. And its not right to totally disregard those faults like they never happened.  Its like the end of a long relationship.  You need to look back on the good times and smile… but also look on the bad times and remember.  Not only does it make it easier to cope with but it makes it keeps his true memory in tact. It keeps the essence of my father alive to remember him how he truly was and not this picture-perfect person that never existed.  And it makes me want to scream that people keep muddling his memory. Maybe they didn’t know him like I did. Maybe they never took the time to sit with him and talk… but if that’s the case, they have no business being affected by his death at all.

Secondly, I have issues with the fact that my aunt messaged my brother and told him about my uncle but didn’t think that I would care to know.  I realize that I’m not that liked on that side of the family but I still deserve the consideration of knowing that the one person on that side of the family that I do like, tried to kill himself. He’s my Uncle Monkey… why would I not want to know?

Thirdly, I would like to point out that my dad dying and my uncle trying to die should be 75% attributed to my failure of a grandmother. When you have your husband carrying you in and out of the house to go to the hospital because you are too drugged up to walk yourself, when you put up divorce papers on numerous occasions because you are so high that you don’t know what you’re doing, when you beat your children so much it leaves marks because the drugs cloud your conscience… when you do it so often that your children know nothing but prescription drugs and think that that is the norm…. you pass that on to them. And you wonder why you’re all alone?? Get a clue. It hurt me that you wouldn’t even look at me at Dad’s funeral. It hurt me more that you lied to me and told me you loved me while not even looking at me.  It hurt me most that when you “found out” that I was hurt a week or so later, you called my brother to say that you really did love me and wanted to apologize.  You didn’t even try calling me. You selfish, lying bitch. I know you don’t love me.  You never have. Why? Because I’m too much like my mom.  You know what I have to say about that? Good. I’d rather be not loved for being happy, successful, caring, smart, and driven… than be loved for being anyone other than who I truly am.

Shhhhh! I’m sleeping!

Posted in 20something bloggers, Freaking Hilarious, Growing Up on January 14, 2009 by Danielle Self

I was browsing the 20 something bloggers site and I came across the topic for the January Blog Carnival.

First Kiss.

My. Oh. My. Have a got a horribly embarrassing story for you.

I was in the 6th grade and I thought that I was so cool because I was “going out” with one of my older brother’s friend.  I mean he was 14 and I was 12.  How much more scandalous can you get?

We had been “going out” for about a month when my mom (who obviously had to chauffeur us everywhere at that point) came up with the idea that we could go on a “date” to the drive-in. I don’t even remember what movie was playing because I was too busy gazing starry eyed up at him and knowing that tonight I was going to get my first kiss.  I. was. scared. shitless.  So after the first movie was over and he still hadn’t kissed me yet, I snuggled up to him and pretended to go to sleep.  As my head lay in his lap (told you… scandalous…) (I KEEED.  I was only TWELVE PEOPLE! Get your head out of the gutter.) my mom decided to be all sly and go get some nachos at the concession stand to leave us alone for a bit.  Boyfriend went in for the kill.  Mind you, I was still “sleeping” at this point.  I flipped out.  All in my head. I was seriously about to have a heart attack because he was kissing me. Giving me my first real kiss. And what was I doing? Still pretending to be asleep.  Thats right.

The worst part about it? It wasn’t just like a peck first kiss.  He went from having never kissed me at all to trying to shove his tongue past my tonsils. And I pretended to be asleep the entire time.  I didn’t move a single muscle all 45ish seconds of him dousing my face with his spit. I stayed completely limp.

Boyfriend and I never said a word about it after the fact.  It was like it never happened.  If only I really could erase his memory of that.

The Ultimate Daddy Issue.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Daddy Issues, Growing Up, Heart-to-Hearts on December 28, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’m not sure if it was clear in my last post but I wanted to explain my absence.

On the 30th of November I got a call from my step-mother saying that my dad was sick again and that she would like for me to come and help her out because the kids were getting out of hand.  I was “busy” of course.  I didn’t want to be an enabler. I didn’t want to make it okay for him to be sick.  I wanted him to realize that he had obligations and there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out of those obligations.  He chose to be sick. He chose to neglect his family and remain addicted to prescription drugs. He chose it and he would have to live with it.  I was tired of making excuses for him or not making excuses and just being embarrassed of his actions and that nothing seemed to be good enough to make him want to be better than he was. 

I laid around all day and life went on as normal. 

8:00 am on the 2nd of December my step mom called again.  I wasn’t busy… I was sleeping. I woke up just long enough to press ignore and go back to sleep. Again, I refused to be an enabler. I refused to bail him out. Twenty minutes later I woke up to her calling again. I wondered why she wasn’t calling the kids’ nanny and why she absolutely had to keep trying to wake me up.  It couldn’t be that bad.  I went back to sleep after hitting ignore one more time. Ten minutes after that my mom came to the couch where I had passed out the night before and woke me up.  She was crying.

“Shit.  He must really be legitimately sick this time….”

She told me that we needed to go upstairs and that I needed to sit down.

We went up to my room.  I sat on the edge of the bed. And my world came crashing to a halt.

My dad had died that morning.

He was 43 years old. 

What sucks most about this?

I’m still mad at him… even more mad than I was, if thats possible. 

Yes, I miss him.  Yes, I love him. And yes, I’m still so very angry with him.

I’m angry that he left the way he did. I’m angry that he’ll never have the chance to get better. I’m angry that he missed my wedding by 2 short weeks. I’m angry that he left my little brother and sister without a father when they are so young. I’m angry that most of my memories of him aren’t all that pleasant. I’m angry that he deprived my unborn children of a grandfather.  I’m angry that I can’t listen to a Garth Brooks song without thinking of the funeral and crying. I’m angry that I can’t watch a Robin WIlliams movie without getting upset because they look and act so much alike. I’m angry that he didn’t want to get better.  I’m angry that I’ll never know why I wasn’t worth him putting himself into rehab like he promised on multiple occasions.  I’m angry that he left me angry.

Do you know what my only vivid Christmas memory of him is…? The time my mom and I were trying to put up the artificial Christmas tree and we couldn’t get it straight so we woke Dad up from a nap to get him to help real fast…. He threw the tree across the room.

Then there was this one time that his wife called me saying that I needed to go pick up his truck from Wal-Mart.  He drove there so drugged up that he couldn’t look straight and took my little brother with him on top of that.  He had went to pick up more prescriptions. The police escorted him out of the store and took my brother from him. 

More sad than that was that it wasn’t the first time something like that had happened. Back when I was in middle school my dad’s doctors stopped feeding his problem and wouldn’t prescribe him anymore. I didn’t know that he had a drug issue at this point. I was still Daddy’s Little Girl. He started detoxing and began to have hand tremors.  Being a lab tech and having hand tremors isn’t the best thing for your career.  So late at night when the clinic was closed he would take me up to the lab and I would do the tests for him. He would stand by me and tell me exactly what to do but I was the one who did it because he would have spilled all the blood. On our way home late one night/early one morning, we were driving on the highway through town. I said “Daddy, how about driving on the actual road?” “Danielle, I am!” “No, Daddy you aren’t!  Look!” We were well over on the shoulder and extremely close to landing in the ditch. He swerved and somehow we made it home.

He used to get chronic migraines and it was like waking a sleeping bear if you ever happened to get so unlucky to do that. Then it was his stomach. Then his back. Then his legs. Migraines again. Stomach. Back…. and it goes on. 

When I found out that dad had an issue it had been nearly 7 years into his addiction. My mom took my brother and I to our grandparents’ house across the state. We went back to pack up our things…. the garage was collapsed because my dad had gotten angry that my mom had hid his medicine and called all the pharmacies in town to warn them to not give him any. He had drove his truck into the side of the garage in frustration that he wouldn’t be getting his medicine. Walking inside the house was a nightmare.  Our library was a disaster area.  Every single book and paper was torn off the shelves and littered the floor.  Family pictures and old love letters thrown down as if they meant nothing. 

I never got to see him get better for long.  After the divorce was final he was better for a little bit. He found someone he loved and his only vice was his daily glass of boxed wine. He was better for around 2 years… I was jealous that he wanted to get better for his new wife and stepson but apparently my brother, mother, and I weren’t good enough.  After that 2 years was up though… he seemed worse than before. It seemed as though nothing mattered to him at all anymore.  He gave up his job and applied for disability. He didn’t want to be around any of his kids. He sat back in the sunroom and slept. 

I’m not sure how but I think that he must have known that something horrible was going to happen because about a week before his death I was over spending time with him…. and out of the blue he looked at me and asked me to promise him something that I didn’t even remember until I was looking down on him at the viewing.  He said “Danielle.  Promise me something.   This is very important and I need you to not forget. If something happens to me I want to be buried with my mason’s ring and apron. Now, Danielle.  Pay attention. Your grandmother didn’t want your grandfather buried with his.  But it is VERY IMPORTANT to me that I am.  Please make sure that if something happens to me that my apron and ring are with me.” They were. I actually think that that was the last time that I saw him too. 

It really upsets me that all of those bad things sometimes overshadow my good memories of him… like when he took my to my Girl Scout Troop’s father-daughter sock hop and I wore his high school class ring around my neck and we danced to “Earth Angel.”  He begged the DJ all night to put it on… and finally on the last dance he did. Or the time when we were at this wedding and he kept dancing with me to “Shout” and then he let me slow dance with him while I stood on his feet. Or the time he drove all the way out to Hot Springs to watch me lose at Miss Teen Arkansas. Or the time when he grew a ponytail because Duncan McCloud had one and my mom and I begged him to cut it so after weeks of begging he finally did. Or the time when he came with Justin and I to Rogers because he wanted to be there when the JP pronounced us husband and wife officially before the wedding. Or the time he finally gave Justin the “she’ll always be my little girl and by the way I don’t have a gun… I have a samurai sword” talk. 

…. So now I guess I face my biggest daddy issue of all.  Forgiving… without forgetting.

What am I the Wizard of Oz? Need a brain? Need a heart? Here take mine.

Posted in Books, Bring on the Rain, Growing Up, I heart Lists, life, So I'm a bit crazy sometimes..., WHAT?! on September 21, 2008 by Danielle Self

I realize that I have been gone for far too long and that I perhaps have lost ALL of my regular readers… but honestly, that was a price that I was willing to pay. I had to make certain people forget that I had a blog. Hopefully it worked. Hopefully they don’t check this anymore. And again… hopefully I can get back to spilling things out like I was prior to my big outing. Because honestly- I need this blog. I need it as an outlet to let myself know that Im not as crazy as I feel. That there are other people out there that go through similar things. Writing in my journal over the past few weeks has helped a bit but not near as much as this was.

So back to where we left off- I’m honestly not sure where to begin… so much has happened in the past month that its been slightly EXTREMELY overwhelming. Guess that means only one thing. Bullet time.

  • I bought a new car. 2005 Altima in a Charcoal Gray. Its so pretty and exactly what I wanted. I managed to flirt enough that they pushed me down to 7000 below internet price. I began to regret that flirting decision when the 40 something financial guy from Toyota started stalker calling me to go to Padrissimo (a Hispanic Dance Club) ANYWHO. The next morning after I took my perfect car home it started smoking. Long story short- I’ve been in a rental car for the past month as they put in a new engine.
  • Rental Car. Right? That was smashed into a pole last weekend after I made a bad decision to go drink 3/4 of a fifth of Smirnoff and then go joy riding to my old sorority house. WHY?! Who knows… but I am so broke now that its not even funny. Its horrible to say but I am very very fortunate that is all that happened. Thank God there were no other cars involved nor the police. THAT would have been really bad. I am not hurt either. I didn’t even know that I had wrecked until the next morning. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky that it happened.. just fortunate that that was ALL that happened.
  • Resulting Consequences? $500 paid to the rental company and the wreck go on my insurance. Fiance has prohibited drinking and “strongly discourages” me hanging out with my best guy friend from here. He said that if I touched another glass of alcohol until he thought I was ready that the wedding was off. Needless to say- I gave my roommate my alcohol and told her to have it drank before the end of the week or it was going down the drain. It was gone 2 nights later.
  • J forgave me and we began to move on. Things were tight but we were making it. All we needed was to sell my car back in Hawaii and we were home free. 3 days after the accident Justin called and told me that my car was totaled. He had taken it to go show it to a chick in the military that was really interested and it wouldn’t start. He took it to the shop and they told him that the repairs would be about $2000… blown head gasket among other things… the car is only worth about $3000. So the best deal we could manage was to give it to someone that agreed to tow it off the mechanics lot for free.
  • Oh, and did I mention that my alcoholic escapade, the wreck, the car not being able to be sold and my car tags being due all occurred within the same week and couple days?! Yea. BAD WEEK.
  • Yea. I’m broke. I have School bills to pay that I was forced to put on my credit card. Thats a good $1300… now that the car didn’t sell I have to put my sales tax for my new car on my credit card as well which I’m anticipating to be about another $1000. Then somehow I need to buy Justin’s wedding band which is another $850ish. ANNNNNNNNNNNND we need to ship my car back to Hawaii in December which is $1500. ANNNNNNNNND we need to furnish our new house. Yea. Broke doesn’t QUITE describe that loads of crap I’m wading through.
  • Solutions? I’m moving back in with the parentals until the wedding. Yes, its only 2 months but I still feel like a serious failure at life. I’m selling all my pageant paraphernalia on ebay. And signing my life away over to odd jobs. Earlier this week I babysat my demon half-siblings. And tomorrow I am pulling weeds for my mom and cleaning her resource room. BLEGH. NOT FUN. But you do what you have to do right?
  • And here’s the real kicker and the thing that really is going to save or destroy everything. The top secret mission. Justin and I are getting married when he comes in town this weekend. As in going to the justice of the peace and signing the paperwork. I know this sounds silly considering we are so close to the actual wedding… but we both know that we are getting married and he gets paid an extra $2500ish a month for us being married. And obviously as you can see in the earlier bullets that we could really use that extra money. So thats how its going to save everything. It could seriously get destroyed though if my mother finds out. I’m doubting that she would be as obliged to pay for the wedding if she knew that the reason that there was the wedding was already taken care of. Now I thought this would be easy to hide from her until my father made a good point. Legal things are put in the paper as public record and there is nothing that you can do to get them out of there. All it would take is one of her nosy friends to be looking through there and then we would be screwed.
  • OH and another thing. My laptop died. Like not the battery died. The computer itself is dead. Gone to a better place… dead. The screen refuses to come back on. I called a repair place to get a quote and he said about $250 I decided at that point that it was better to call it a loss and save up for a new MacBook when possible.
  • My. World. Has. Been. A. Black. Hole. Of. Despair. Seriously. Black. Hole.

The only thing that has been bringing light into my life is knowing that I get to see J in LESS THAN FOUR DAYS!!!!! And I’ve recently become sucked into Twilight. I read the first two books in 3 days. I’m about three quarters ways through the last book. I fracking LOVE those books. I want to be a vampire and I want to make out with Edward Cullen. I’m going to find him. End of story.

It’s never safe to be nostalgic about something until you’re absolutely certain there’s no chance of its coming back.

Posted in Growing Up, life, So I'm a bit crazy sometimes... on August 3, 2008 by Danielle Self

I interrupt the regularly scheduled programming to bring you a blast from my past.

I realize I promised an awesome link post but I got caught up in buying a car. (Which I shall discuss later) But I’m almost done with the post…. so just keep checking back…. but until then-

I have to say that nostalgia has hit me hard.  As in… I miss everything.  

There’s a great quote that I found about nostalgia when I was looking for an appropriate title to this post- Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

I agree whole heartedly.  Right at the end of freshman year my BFF and I made videos commemorating our year. I mean Lets get real- my freshman year sucked…. I was drunk 85% of the time, I got my heart broken, I failed all my classes, had many nights that I’d rather forget and then some I wished I remembered.  But every time I look back at these videos, I can’t help but want to go back and call all of the old gang and get wasted and remember all those crazy times. 

My two best friends in the entire world from that year and I don’t even speak anymore…. its sad to look at these videos plastered with pictures of us and then realize that they aren’t there anymore. Its weird to see how someone who is such a huge part of your life can be non-existent in it in a matter of a few weeks. 

But.  I’m getting married.  And I couldn’t be happier. Everything that I’ve done and experienced has lead me to this point and I am so happy that I’m moving on with an amazing person.  Just today there is that little thing in the back of my head that longs for being a child again so I don’t have to worry about bills or the future.  All that mattered was right then, the cutest guy in the room and how much was in my flask. 

What about those videos that BFF and I made?  Well I’m glad you asked.

Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously.

Posted in Growing Up, life, Random on April 22, 2008 by Danielle Self

I started reading “Stupid and Contagious” by Caprice Crane yesterday which just so happens to be an AMAZING book so far. I’ll go more into that when I finish it but what I mean to talk about is that there seemed to be a reoccurring theme in my day.

The theme was choices and how they shape every. single. little. moment. of your life. There was an excerpt from the book where Brady was talking about how every little thing that he did had led up to his recent ex and how had one little tiny little thing changed that he probably would not have met her.  Then when I was watching Greek (which was a phenomenal episode) they were going back in the past and showing how that little choices led to bigger choices which led to huge moments in time that changed Everything.

Then I got to thinking about how little things have changed my life so drastically. Its crazy how you take little to no time to make some decisions which in retrospect could be the most important moment in your life.  For instance, had you not worn a certain color dress to a party maybe that guy wouldn’t have noticed you and then the first and subsequent second, third, fourth, etc dates wouldn’t have occurred.  Then where would you be had you never met him?

For me, it was what if I hadn’t started drinking after high school?- Would T and I still be together? Would I be in Hawaii?…. What if I had gone to Baylor like I had originally planned?- Who would I have met? How would things be different?…. What if I had pledged the other sorority that I went to on pref night?- Who would have been my partner in crime? Would I have even had one? What secrets would I have learned?… What if J and I had slowed things down from the very beginning?- Would we still be together?  What would our relationship be like now?

Its crazy when you realize that small decisions make such a huge impact on every moment in your life.  I skipped the gym yesterday because my stomach was upset- If I would have went, would I have met someone? Would I have hurt myself? Little things like that where you don’t really think it makes a difference could have been a defining moment in the master plan of your life.

Even if you choose to not make a choice- that in itself is a choice. Its crazy to think about.

I know its dumb to think about so much and it does nothing to think about the what ifs but its kind of cool to think that each day you are making monumental decisions that define your life and where you will be in a week… month… a year… and even ten years.

Part of me thinks that everyone holds the key to their own destiny and each choice is consciously made and leads you on one path or another to a future that you are shaping with each moment.  However on the other hand, part of me wants to believe in destiny. That each decision kind of tricks you into thinking that you made it on your own.  But that each person has a predetermined destiny and future.  Kind of the idea that although smaller decisions may change,  they are completely linked into one large cosmic maze that ultimately has only one exit.

Interesting.  Very interesting.

I’m going home.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Growing Up, life, Love on April 13, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’ve rewritten the first line to this blog at least 10 times… and I think that is a complete picture of what the inside of my head feels like right now. So if the blog doesn’t make much sense… I’m sorry.  I just want to get this out in the open.  I need to talk about this.  And seeing as my best friend is too wrapped up in her stupid boyfriend to talk and my mom hates J so she won’t listen…. and my brother is in Korea…. this is all I’ve got.

J and I just got in a fight.  As in a turn off the tv, yelling at each other, semi breaking up, relationship defining fight.  We were watching “I Know My Kids a Star” on VH1 which was probably a bad idea in the beginning but there was nothing else on and its raining so we couldn’t get out.  J has this thing about how he hates for parents to live their lives through their kids and push them too hard.  When one of the mom-child combos were eliminated, the mom kept telling the daughter that she was the best and that the judges must not have known what they were talking about, etc.  Whereas I didn’t see anything wrong with a little self esteem boost from the mom, J started getting really mad.  He started going on this rant about how you should never tell your kids that they are the best or better than anyone else because its putting them on a pedestal and they’ll stop working so hard.  I said that I didn’t agree and he started throwing all these questions at me and being really mean saying that I was stupid and I didn’t know what I was talking about. I started getting really offended that he was saying some of the things that he was saying.  I get that he doesn’t agree with me but I didn’t think that there was any reason to attack my mom and my personal character.  So I told him that it was clear that we weren’t going to agree so we should just drop it and I turned the television back on.  He kept sitting there pouting for about 15 minutes and even through me trying to lighten up the mood and make him laugh he kept sulking. So I turned the tv back off and asked him what was really wrong.  He said that I was right.  It was clear that we were never going to agree on anything to do with raising kids.  So therefore it was clear that we were never going to work out.  It didn’t matter that he loved almost every little thing about me- raising kids is a big deal.  And he feels that the ideals that I have when it comes to raising kids is “poison in the veins of a child”. So he got up- started packing his things- and left.  Without saying another word.

I held it together in front of him and put my stone face on but the moment the door slammed I lost it.  I haven’t cried that hard in a long time.  Its like the craziest rollercoaster in the world with J. The highs are record breaking highs and the lows nearly derail me. Its one of those coasters that the entire time you are at the top you’re anticipating the bottoms and at the bottoms you can’t see that you nearly crashed.. all you can see is that it will go up again.  But no matter where you are- you’re sick to your stomach and thinking that you want to get off right. now. but you also want to see how long the whole ride lasts and if it ever levels off.

I don’t get it.  J is not right for me.  I know this.  I know that he is an asshole and has horrible values and his sister is a freaking psychopath. I know that he’s mean and rude and doesn’t respect his elders.  I know that he doesn’t have many goals and is constantly contridicting himself.  I know that physically and stylishly he’s not my type.  I know that he never wants his daughter to be in pageants.  I know that he wants his kids to wake up at the crack of dawn to clean before school.  I know that he believes in harsh punishment.  I know that he yells too much.  I know that him calling me names shouldn’t be okay.  I know that he’s shady when it comes to the girls he talks to.  I know that him not being able to get past my past is a big deal.  I know that he has horrible taste in music and is annoyingly OCD when it comes to his stuff.  I know that he sometimes embarasses me in public and I know that he would be a good father but HORRIBLE dad. I know that he always has to be right and will not drop an argument until he thinks you believe he is right too. I know that our personalities don’t mix.  I know that him laughing at me shouldn’t be acceptable. I know he’s not perfect… far from it actually.  But I also know that I love him.  Why? Why? Why?

He’s not right for me and I know I could do better…. but I don’t want to.  I want J and its so frustrating that he is the way he is.  Maybe its because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel with him.  Maybe I’m still thinking of the guy that I met and fell in love with.  The one that put me on his shoulders at the beach so that I could see the turtle in the water- the one that told me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me- the one that said that he loved everything about me including my flaws- the one that couldn’t wait to get home to see me and the one that would look me in the eyes all the time and tell me that he couldn’t live without me. Maybe thats the guy that I can’t let go.  The one that made me think it was okay to get engaged after a month.  The one that made me forget about T.  When we broke off the engagement he said that he had went into some sort of trance and wasn’t really him when we met.  He said that he was on “auto-pilot”.  I thought it was a line.  Apparently it was a totally different person.

I want that person back.

I want to go home. Now.