Archive for the Daddy Issues Category

The Saga Continues…

Posted in Daddy Issues, Growing Up, Heart-to-Hearts, WHAT?! on January 28, 2009 by Danielle Self

My brother texted me last night.

My uncle tried to kill himself over the weekend.

He hasn’t been coping well since my father died and apparently decided that he didn’t want to try coping anymore.  So he took 25 Ambien and slit his wrists.  Totally disregarding his 2 young girls, 2 step children, wife, and military career.

I understand that he’s sad that Daddy is gone… I’m sad…. my brother is sad… a lot of people are still hurting that he’s gone. But none of us are going to end our lives because we can’t deal.

I’m just totally confused at it all… not simply because he thought that that was the only way to make it stop hurting but that they weren’t close.  I get that they were brothers so there’s automatically a special bond there…. but other than that basic brother bond…. that was it.  They didn’t speak.  They didn’t email. Nothing. In fact, if anything it was more of the opposite.  They went out of their way to not speak.

What bothers me most though is that people are putting this golden glow around my dad since he’s gone.  He was a great man.  He was.  But like any other human he had his faults. And its not right to totally disregard those faults like they never happened.  Its like the end of a long relationship.  You need to look back on the good times and smile… but also look on the bad times and remember.  Not only does it make it easier to cope with but it makes it keeps his true memory in tact. It keeps the essence of my father alive to remember him how he truly was and not this picture-perfect person that never existed.  And it makes me want to scream that people keep muddling his memory. Maybe they didn’t know him like I did. Maybe they never took the time to sit with him and talk… but if that’s the case, they have no business being affected by his death at all.

Secondly, I have issues with the fact that my aunt messaged my brother and told him about my uncle but didn’t think that I would care to know.  I realize that I’m not that liked on that side of the family but I still deserve the consideration of knowing that the one person on that side of the family that I do like, tried to kill himself. He’s my Uncle Monkey… why would I not want to know?

Thirdly, I would like to point out that my dad dying and my uncle trying to die should be 75% attributed to my failure of a grandmother. When you have your husband carrying you in and out of the house to go to the hospital because you are too drugged up to walk yourself, when you put up divorce papers on numerous occasions because you are so high that you don’t know what you’re doing, when you beat your children so much it leaves marks because the drugs cloud your conscience… when you do it so often that your children know nothing but prescription drugs and think that that is the norm…. you pass that on to them. And you wonder why you’re all alone?? Get a clue. It hurt me that you wouldn’t even look at me at Dad’s funeral. It hurt me more that you lied to me and told me you loved me while not even looking at me.  It hurt me most that when you “found out” that I was hurt a week or so later, you called my brother to say that you really did love me and wanted to apologize.  You didn’t even try calling me. You selfish, lying bitch. I know you don’t love me.  You never have. Why? Because I’m too much like my mom.  You know what I have to say about that? Good. I’d rather be not loved for being happy, successful, caring, smart, and driven… than be loved for being anyone other than who I truly am.

The Ultimate Daddy Issue.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Daddy Issues, Growing Up, Heart-to-Hearts on December 28, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’m not sure if it was clear in my last post but I wanted to explain my absence.

On the 30th of November I got a call from my step-mother saying that my dad was sick again and that she would like for me to come and help her out because the kids were getting out of hand.  I was “busy” of course.  I didn’t want to be an enabler. I didn’t want to make it okay for him to be sick.  I wanted him to realize that he had obligations and there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out of those obligations.  He chose to be sick. He chose to neglect his family and remain addicted to prescription drugs. He chose it and he would have to live with it.  I was tired of making excuses for him or not making excuses and just being embarrassed of his actions and that nothing seemed to be good enough to make him want to be better than he was. 

I laid around all day and life went on as normal. 

8:00 am on the 2nd of December my step mom called again.  I wasn’t busy… I was sleeping. I woke up just long enough to press ignore and go back to sleep. Again, I refused to be an enabler. I refused to bail him out. Twenty minutes later I woke up to her calling again. I wondered why she wasn’t calling the kids’ nanny and why she absolutely had to keep trying to wake me up.  It couldn’t be that bad.  I went back to sleep after hitting ignore one more time. Ten minutes after that my mom came to the couch where I had passed out the night before and woke me up.  She was crying.

“Shit.  He must really be legitimately sick this time….”

She told me that we needed to go upstairs and that I needed to sit down.

We went up to my room.  I sat on the edge of the bed. And my world came crashing to a halt.

My dad had died that morning.

He was 43 years old. 

What sucks most about this?

I’m still mad at him… even more mad than I was, if thats possible. 

Yes, I miss him.  Yes, I love him. And yes, I’m still so very angry with him.

I’m angry that he left the way he did. I’m angry that he’ll never have the chance to get better. I’m angry that he missed my wedding by 2 short weeks. I’m angry that he left my little brother and sister without a father when they are so young. I’m angry that most of my memories of him aren’t all that pleasant. I’m angry that he deprived my unborn children of a grandfather.  I’m angry that I can’t listen to a Garth Brooks song without thinking of the funeral and crying. I’m angry that I can’t watch a Robin WIlliams movie without getting upset because they look and act so much alike. I’m angry that he didn’t want to get better.  I’m angry that I’ll never know why I wasn’t worth him putting himself into rehab like he promised on multiple occasions.  I’m angry that he left me angry.

Do you know what my only vivid Christmas memory of him is…? The time my mom and I were trying to put up the artificial Christmas tree and we couldn’t get it straight so we woke Dad up from a nap to get him to help real fast…. He threw the tree across the room.

Then there was this one time that his wife called me saying that I needed to go pick up his truck from Wal-Mart.  He drove there so drugged up that he couldn’t look straight and took my little brother with him on top of that.  He had went to pick up more prescriptions. The police escorted him out of the store and took my brother from him. 

More sad than that was that it wasn’t the first time something like that had happened. Back when I was in middle school my dad’s doctors stopped feeding his problem and wouldn’t prescribe him anymore. I didn’t know that he had a drug issue at this point. I was still Daddy’s Little Girl. He started detoxing and began to have hand tremors.  Being a lab tech and having hand tremors isn’t the best thing for your career.  So late at night when the clinic was closed he would take me up to the lab and I would do the tests for him. He would stand by me and tell me exactly what to do but I was the one who did it because he would have spilled all the blood. On our way home late one night/early one morning, we were driving on the highway through town. I said “Daddy, how about driving on the actual road?” “Danielle, I am!” “No, Daddy you aren’t!  Look!” We were well over on the shoulder and extremely close to landing in the ditch. He swerved and somehow we made it home.

He used to get chronic migraines and it was like waking a sleeping bear if you ever happened to get so unlucky to do that. Then it was his stomach. Then his back. Then his legs. Migraines again. Stomach. Back…. and it goes on. 

When I found out that dad had an issue it had been nearly 7 years into his addiction. My mom took my brother and I to our grandparents’ house across the state. We went back to pack up our things…. the garage was collapsed because my dad had gotten angry that my mom had hid his medicine and called all the pharmacies in town to warn them to not give him any. He had drove his truck into the side of the garage in frustration that he wouldn’t be getting his medicine. Walking inside the house was a nightmare.  Our library was a disaster area.  Every single book and paper was torn off the shelves and littered the floor.  Family pictures and old love letters thrown down as if they meant nothing. 

I never got to see him get better for long.  After the divorce was final he was better for a little bit. He found someone he loved and his only vice was his daily glass of boxed wine. He was better for around 2 years… I was jealous that he wanted to get better for his new wife and stepson but apparently my brother, mother, and I weren’t good enough.  After that 2 years was up though… he seemed worse than before. It seemed as though nothing mattered to him at all anymore.  He gave up his job and applied for disability. He didn’t want to be around any of his kids. He sat back in the sunroom and slept. 

I’m not sure how but I think that he must have known that something horrible was going to happen because about a week before his death I was over spending time with him…. and out of the blue he looked at me and asked me to promise him something that I didn’t even remember until I was looking down on him at the viewing.  He said “Danielle.  Promise me something.   This is very important and I need you to not forget. If something happens to me I want to be buried with my mason’s ring and apron. Now, Danielle.  Pay attention. Your grandmother didn’t want your grandfather buried with his.  But it is VERY IMPORTANT to me that I am.  Please make sure that if something happens to me that my apron and ring are with me.” They were. I actually think that that was the last time that I saw him too. 

It really upsets me that all of those bad things sometimes overshadow my good memories of him… like when he took my to my Girl Scout Troop’s father-daughter sock hop and I wore his high school class ring around my neck and we danced to “Earth Angel.”  He begged the DJ all night to put it on… and finally on the last dance he did. Or the time when we were at this wedding and he kept dancing with me to “Shout” and then he let me slow dance with him while I stood on his feet. Or the time he drove all the way out to Hot Springs to watch me lose at Miss Teen Arkansas. Or the time when he grew a ponytail because Duncan McCloud had one and my mom and I begged him to cut it so after weeks of begging he finally did. Or the time when he came with Justin and I to Rogers because he wanted to be there when the JP pronounced us husband and wife officially before the wedding. Or the time he finally gave Justin the “she’ll always be my little girl and by the way I don’t have a gun… I have a samurai sword” talk. 

…. So now I guess I face my biggest daddy issue of all.  Forgiving… without forgetting.

Beautiful Imperfection.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Daddy Issues, Heart-to-Hearts, life, Love, Marriage, My Mom, Weddings on December 22, 2008 by Danielle Self

Its amazing the amount of things that can happen when you aren’t paying attention.

In the past year, I moved, went back to school, got re-engaged, dropped back out of school, got in a wreck, got a new car, decided said new car was a junker, got married, got in another wreck, lost a best friend, gained a new best friend, lost my father, got married again, and am now awaiting another move in a week.

Today is December 22, 2008 and I have been legally married to my husband for nearly 3 months now even though we just had the wedding on the 18th. It was beautiful. Of course there were a few things that didn’t go perfectly but really that’s part of what made it so beautiful.

As I sit here at my new mother-in-law’s house and watch my husband sleep in his signature pose (mouth WIDE open), I can’t help but realize how lucky I am to find a match that fits me so well. No, he’s not perfect. But neither am I. We argue… we fight… we definitely disagree on some things… but all in all we are each other’s perfect balance.

Its odd to think about how one minor decision changed on either side could have altered everything. Now I couldn’t be more thankful for my past drinking problems and his failure to even show up to his classes.

Not only has my marital status changed, but so has my religious status. A self proclaimed atheist mere weeks ago, I’m ready to start believing there is a God again. I’m still not so sure about this Heaven and Hell stuff… but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no way that all of the things that happened to get me here writing this today could have happened without a little guidance from the giant puppeteer in the sky.

Also, if there were no God… then how could I feel my dad watching me right now as I type? I miss him. More than I thought I would, to be honest. I guess its the old saying that you never really know what you have until its gone. Yes, he made many many many mistakes and for a while I really and truly hated him for it. But it was another one of those things that had it not happened, my life would have been drastically different and I’m 100% positive that I wouldn’t be sitting here next to my prissy little puppy and snoozing husband.

Now, I’m about to head back off to Hawaii. The one thing that crosses my mind? How desperately I’m going to miss my mom. There are other people and things I’m going to miss here… but my mom. My mom has been my rock for so long and kept me grounded and heading in the right direction. She’s not perfect… but we’re developing the perfect balance in our relationship more and more everyday. Its so easy to take people for granted until they are taken away from you. I know that my mom will always be there for me… but its different when you are 4,000 miles away. I’ll just have to keep my promise of no babies until I’m back in the Continental so she can spoil them properly.

In a messy room… filled with dirty clothes, beer, game cords, not much money, but a whole lot of love… I must say that I am easily one of the luckiest people in the world.

I don’t want you to walk me down the aisle.

Posted in Daddy Issues on November 2, 2008 by Danielle Self

I told my dad last night that I didn’t want him to walk me down the aisle.  His response? “Whatever, Danielle.  I guess thats your prerogative.” I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved that he didn’t get really upset or to be offended that it looked like he really could care less. 

On top of telling him that he was most likely not walking me down he aisle, I decided to go down the rehab road again.  He of course said that he didn’t need it.  He is truly convinced that he has MS. One of the most difficult illnesses to diagnose. Of course. FYI- He doesn’t have it. Having 1-3 symptoms of 15+ does not mean that you have it.  Its ridiculous that he’s even suggesting that. 

His wife is going to leave him.  And as much as I don’t want to see him alone- I’m encouraging her to leave him. She was very well financially off before she met him and now he is continuing to drain her savings.  I used to feel sorry for him but now I really don’t.  We have given him every opportunity to get better. There is no way that someone is that chronically ill all the time.  And each time its something different! All you have to do is say “Hey.  I messed up.  I need to go to rehab to finally get this out of my body so that it doesn’t want it anymore.  I’ll be back in 6-8 weeks” Instead basically what he is saying is “I don’t give a flying F**k that I have a three sons and two daughters that need me. My drug needs are more important than all of that”

I told him that if he continues on the road that hes on that Jillian won’t want him to walk her down the aisle when she gets married either.  And she actually may have her new dad do it instead.  He said that he knew that was a possibility but there was nothing that he could do about that.  

At that point I was speechless.  It amazes me that someone can be that self centered to not care that the biggest moment of each of his daughters’ lives they don’t want him to be apart of.  

I asked him what he was going to do if his wife left him.  He said he guessed he was just going to have to live in a cardboard box because he has nothing now other than some clothes and a truck. And its true.  Very very true. He really would have no where else to go. And if she leaves him because of the crap he is pulling now, I’m not going to feel sorry for him.  It would totally be his fault.  

Whatever. I’m through trying to get through to him that he’s already given me some serious daddy issues and is well on his way to giving my 3 year old little sister some daddy issues.  I’m done trying to convince him that he can help himself.  When he wants to be well, he is.  How he can’t see that, I’m not sure…. But I’m done.  I’m SO done.

A Multitude of Happenings.

Posted in Daddy Issues, I heart Lists, Love, Work on June 6, 2008 by Danielle Self
  • T and I had lunch a couple days ago.  And it went perfectly.  Just as I hoped it would have.  Of course it was natural to want to flirt but other than that there was nothing.  I. Felt. Nothing.  And it was perfect.  We argued a lot because he doesn’t think that J is good enough for me…. but I assured him that I really didn’t care what he thought and that I was a big girl and I could do whatever I wanted.  I was amazed that I didn’t care to call him that night and overanalyze the entire situation.  I was amazed that when I told him he was stupid for dating a married woman and he got mad that I felt no need to apologize and grovel for forgiveness. I was amazed that when he left, a hug was sufficient.  I was amazed that all I could think about while sitting with him was J and how I couldn’t wait to see him again.
  • I’ve been back in Arkansas for about 3 weeks now and have yet to have an alcoholic drink besides the couple beers I had with J.  I’m more proud of myself than I think people even realize. HOWEVER, I am pretty dang tired of my roommate already.  Its 12:30 in the morning… I have class at 730… and there is a party going on in my living room.  Amazing how 3 jello shots and one mixed drink will have you wasted in a matter of… ohhhh…. 15 minutes?  Crazy.  Someone please shoot me.
  • My Fazzha called today and told me that he was sick and needed me to come and babysit my twin siblings. (Translation: “Daughter, I’m out of drugs and my surgery recovery time is up.  Time to find something else that makes me sick for 8-10 months.  Come over so I look legit.”) I’m so tired of it.  Thats a WHOLE nother ball game though… Maybe I’ll muster up the energy to release my daddy issues on everyone this weekened sometime… not right now though.  I’m too in the moment to be level headed about it.  But I’m not sure that after 15 years of being in the moment, that I’ll be able to take myself out of it.  I just wish he would man up and quit being such a dick head.
  • J…. ahhhh J….. I’m sticking to my theory that he is one of the more complicated men in this world.  I love him dearly but I can’t understand him worth anything.  One minute he’s lovey dovey and wants to elope because he can’t stand to be away from me and the next he’s saying that he refuses to get married until I’ve graduated.  I just really don’t know what to do.  I guess my only option is to just wait…
  • I got a job today :-) Finally! I’m going to be working at a tanning place in town.  Its not the best money in the world but it’ll do for now.
  • Oh!  And I’ve also started working out again everyday.  J won’t see me again until December and I want to make sure that I look better than ever :-)