The Saga Continues…

My brother texted me last night.

My uncle tried to kill himself over the weekend.

He hasn’t been coping well since my father died and apparently decided that he didn’t want to try coping anymore.  So he took 25 Ambien and slit his wrists.  Totally disregarding his 2 young girls, 2 step children, wife, and military career.

I understand that he’s sad that Daddy is gone… I’m sad…. my brother is sad… a lot of people are still hurting that he’s gone. But none of us are going to end our lives because we can’t deal.

I’m just totally confused at it all… not simply because he thought that that was the only way to make it stop hurting but that they weren’t close.  I get that they were brothers so there’s automatically a special bond there…. but other than that basic brother bond…. that was it.  They didn’t speak.  They didn’t email. Nothing. In fact, if anything it was more of the opposite.  They went out of their way to not speak.

What bothers me most though is that people are putting this golden glow around my dad since he’s gone.  He was a great man.  He was.  But like any other human he had his faults. And its not right to totally disregard those faults like they never happened.  Its like the end of a long relationship.  You need to look back on the good times and smile… but also look on the bad times and remember.  Not only does it make it easier to cope with but it makes it keeps his true memory in tact. It keeps the essence of my father alive to remember him how he truly was and not this picture-perfect person that never existed.  And it makes me want to scream that people keep muddling his memory. Maybe they didn’t know him like I did. Maybe they never took the time to sit with him and talk… but if that’s the case, they have no business being affected by his death at all.

Secondly, I have issues with the fact that my aunt messaged my brother and told him about my uncle but didn’t think that I would care to know.  I realize that I’m not that liked on that side of the family but I still deserve the consideration of knowing that the one person on that side of the family that I do like, tried to kill himself. He’s my Uncle Monkey… why would I not want to know?

Thirdly, I would like to point out that my dad dying and my uncle trying to die should be 75% attributed to my failure of a grandmother. When you have your husband carrying you in and out of the house to go to the hospital because you are too drugged up to walk yourself, when you put up divorce papers on numerous occasions because you are so high that you don’t know what you’re doing, when you beat your children so much it leaves marks because the drugs cloud your conscience… when you do it so often that your children know nothing but prescription drugs and think that that is the norm…. you pass that on to them. And you wonder why you’re all alone?? Get a clue. It hurt me that you wouldn’t even look at me at Dad’s funeral. It hurt me more that you lied to me and told me you loved me while not even looking at me.  It hurt me most that when you “found out” that I was hurt a week or so later, you called my brother to say that you really did love me and wanted to apologize.  You didn’t even try calling me. You selfish, lying bitch. I know you don’t love me.  You never have. Why? Because I’m too much like my mom.  You know what I have to say about that? Good. I’d rather be not loved for being happy, successful, caring, smart, and driven… than be loved for being anyone other than who I truly am.

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3 Responses to “The Saga Continues…”

  1. Umm… Wow. I hope you feel better after all that. I am sure it was therapeutic – to say the least. I think finding a balance with your dads memories is a good thing. He was an awesome dad when you were little. He was never really a bad dad – he just couldnt be there for you like he should have. I know if he could, he would have been. Grandma. I don’t even know what to say. She has hurt me my whole life . I hoped the cycle would end. Sorry it hasnt. At some point in your life you will find the courage to forgive her so that awful hate feeling doesnt consume you. Danielle, you have a new life. Start to build it – in a healthy way. Wrap your arms around your brother he hurts too. Yall dont have to remember the same way – you both love the same dad. That is all that counts. :)That is why the bible says in the simplesst way- Love one another.

  2. Oh what an inspiring revelation of a real life struggle to love, to forgive and to live on. I pray that all things will work out best for everybody.

  3. Beautiful post, Danielle.

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