Archive for January, 2009

The Saga Continues…

Posted in Daddy Issues, Growing Up, Heart-to-Hearts, WHAT?! on January 28, 2009 by Danielle Self

My brother texted me last night.

My uncle tried to kill himself over the weekend.

He hasn’t been coping well since my father died and apparently decided that he didn’t want to try coping anymore.  So he took 25 Ambien and slit his wrists.  Totally disregarding his 2 young girls, 2 step children, wife, and military career.

I understand that he’s sad that Daddy is gone… I’m sad…. my brother is sad… a lot of people are still hurting that he’s gone. But none of us are going to end our lives because we can’t deal.

I’m just totally confused at it all… not simply because he thought that that was the only way to make it stop hurting but that they weren’t close.  I get that they were brothers so there’s automatically a special bond there…. but other than that basic brother bond…. that was it.  They didn’t speak.  They didn’t email. Nothing. In fact, if anything it was more of the opposite.  They went out of their way to not speak.

What bothers me most though is that people are putting this golden glow around my dad since he’s gone.  He was a great man.  He was.  But like any other human he had his faults. And its not right to totally disregard those faults like they never happened.  Its like the end of a long relationship.  You need to look back on the good times and smile… but also look on the bad times and remember.  Not only does it make it easier to cope with but it makes it keeps his true memory in tact. It keeps the essence of my father alive to remember him how he truly was and not this picture-perfect person that never existed.  And it makes me want to scream that people keep muddling his memory. Maybe they didn’t know him like I did. Maybe they never took the time to sit with him and talk… but if that’s the case, they have no business being affected by his death at all.

Secondly, I have issues with the fact that my aunt messaged my brother and told him about my uncle but didn’t think that I would care to know.  I realize that I’m not that liked on that side of the family but I still deserve the consideration of knowing that the one person on that side of the family that I do like, tried to kill himself. He’s my Uncle Monkey… why would I not want to know?

Thirdly, I would like to point out that my dad dying and my uncle trying to die should be 75% attributed to my failure of a grandmother. When you have your husband carrying you in and out of the house to go to the hospital because you are too drugged up to walk yourself, when you put up divorce papers on numerous occasions because you are so high that you don’t know what you’re doing, when you beat your children so much it leaves marks because the drugs cloud your conscience… when you do it so often that your children know nothing but prescription drugs and think that that is the norm…. you pass that on to them. And you wonder why you’re all alone?? Get a clue. It hurt me that you wouldn’t even look at me at Dad’s funeral. It hurt me more that you lied to me and told me you loved me while not even looking at me.  It hurt me most that when you “found out” that I was hurt a week or so later, you called my brother to say that you really did love me and wanted to apologize.  You didn’t even try calling me. You selfish, lying bitch. I know you don’t love me.  You never have. Why? Because I’m too much like my mom.  You know what I have to say about that? Good. I’d rather be not loved for being happy, successful, caring, smart, and driven… than be loved for being anyone other than who I truly am.


Shhhhh! I’m sleeping!

Posted in 20something bloggers, Freaking Hilarious, Growing Up on January 14, 2009 by Danielle Self

I was browsing the 20 something bloggers site and I came across the topic for the January Blog Carnival.

First Kiss.

My. Oh. My. Have a got a horribly embarrassing story for you.

I was in the 6th grade and I thought that I was so cool because I was “going out” with one of my older brother’s friend.  I mean he was 14 and I was 12.  How much more scandalous can you get?

We had been “going out” for about a month when my mom (who obviously had to chauffeur us everywhere at that point) came up with the idea that we could go on a “date” to the drive-in. I don’t even remember what movie was playing because I was too busy gazing starry eyed up at him and knowing that tonight I was going to get my first kiss.  I. was. scared. shitless.  So after the first movie was over and he still hadn’t kissed me yet, I snuggled up to him and pretended to go to sleep.  As my head lay in his lap (told you… scandalous…) (I KEEED.  I was only TWELVE PEOPLE! Get your head out of the gutter.) my mom decided to be all sly and go get some nachos at the concession stand to leave us alone for a bit.  Boyfriend went in for the kill.  Mind you, I was still “sleeping” at this point.  I flipped out.  All in my head. I was seriously about to have a heart attack because he was kissing me. Giving me my first real kiss. And what was I doing? Still pretending to be asleep.  Thats right.

The worst part about it? It wasn’t just like a peck first kiss.  He went from having never kissed me at all to trying to shove his tongue past my tonsils. And I pretended to be asleep the entire time.  I didn’t move a single muscle all 45ish seconds of him dousing my face with his spit. I stayed completely limp.

Boyfriend and I never said a word about it after the fact.  It was like it never happened.  If only I really could erase his memory of that.

New… EVERYTHING! well… almost.

Posted in Love, WHAT?! on January 9, 2009 by Danielle Self

It is officially 2009. Crazy right? This time last year I was single, pissed, and looking forward to going back home to Arkansas for good and finishing school. Now I’m married… back in Hawaii with the guy that I was so mad at… sitting with my beautiful new puppy, in my brand new house, and definitely not back in school. Its weird how thing happen like that.  How everything works out in the end.  I love it.

The only thing not new? T. T is back with a vengeance and really trying to make things difficult. He called the other day to talk about this girl that he was dating that “pulled a Danielle” and hasn’t been sober in over a week and a half. (Okay. SLIGHTLY perturbed by his word usage there.) He was upset because they had been seeing each other for a month or two and it was “understood” that they were exclusive even though there were no titles. (Yea. Apparently he likes the lack of titles.) Anyways.  New Year’s Eve he decided that he would rather hang out with his sister and brother-in-law than his not girlfriend. She ended up hanging out with this guy “that is a total loser” and ended up sleeping with him.  I told him that that sucks but she’s 20 years old and you made it clear that you were not her boyfriend.  She can do what she wants. Everyone needs to go through a crazy phase like that.  Just sucks that you had to have two kind-of-girlfriends that went through it while they were with you.  The conversation followed that path for the next hour and 15 minutes. —- Fast forward to later that night. He called again.  Drunk. In Fayetteville. Heading to the casino in Siloam.  I thought this was a normal call until he asked if I had him on speaker.  Of course I didn’t. He then began to tell me all about how he knows that we are made for each other and how mad he is that I had to go to Hawaii and get better then get engaged and not give him a chance after I was sober.  He was saying that Justin isn’t good enough for me and theres no way that I love Justin more than I loved him.  I told him if he really meant all that he said that he would call back the next morning and tell me that he meant it. Sober. And well aware of his words. (Not that it would change ANYTHING.) He called. He meant it. He was sober for the very first time telling me how he really felt. And it was far too late.