Archive for May, 2008

Back to life. Back to reality.

Posted in Love on May 17, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’m back in the NWA.  I miss J…. a lot.  Already.  I don’t think that its really set in that I’m 4,500 miles away from the love of my life… for the next 7 months.  As in… at the end of the week I’m not going back to HNL.

Woe is me.

Lost in Translation

Posted in Hawaii, Random, The South, Work on May 8, 2008 by Danielle Self

Pre-story: The real estate office that I work with has been entertaining an investor from Bulgaria. He’s super duper rich and is one of the top 10 builders in the entire nation of Bulgaria. He LOVES his mother land and is VERY European. As in, the first time I met him he was wearing booty shorts that I’m not even brave enough to wear. His name is Milen (Pronounced Mee-lan).

Milen: (Points at me) She no Hawaiian no?
CoWorker: No, Milen. She is from Arkansas. She is American.
Milen: Where is this Arkansas (Pronounced: Ar-can-sass)?
Me: Southern America
Milen: (shrug)
Me: By Texas.
Milen: Ahhhh! Texas! I know Texas! I fly with people from Texas. They no smell nice. Smell like no have shower for week.
Me: Haha… well some people probably don’t shower that much.
Milen: No all Texas people no smell good. Smell like dirty shower. I no say you smell no good. Texas people smell no good.

Next Day

Me: Hi Milen! How are you?
Milen: (Moves mere inches from my face) I’m doing good. How is you?
Me: I’m doing great, Thanks. You smell nice. (He really did… )
Milen: Oh! I no smell like I form Texas no?
Me: Hah… you smell good. Better than Texas people.
Milen: You like my smell?
Me: Yes I do. Its very nice.
Milen: I don’t know if I smell Texas people or their villages. Texas get around on horse no?
Me: I’m sorry?
Milen: Texas people go on horse from village to village no?
Me: Absolutely… I wish we had cars there. It’d make things a lot easier.
Milen: How big Arkansas city?
Me: Oh… about half a million.
Milen: That all? That small. Where is Arkansas City by?
Me: Um… Its by Dallas.
Milen: Oh! Dallas. Dallas pretty but no smell good.

The Day After that my boss told me that while they were at dinner Milen asked if he thought I would “make sex” with him. He wanted me to go back to Bulgaria with him and be ONE of his girlfriends. Someone asked how he got referred to such a small real estate company. Our loan officer’s mom does his hair plugs.

Dear People of Oahu,

Posted in Hawaii, This makes serial killers, Unsent Letters on May 1, 2008 by Danielle Self

It is NOT okay to let your 2-5 year olds hang out in empty parking lots by themselves.  I don’t care if you live in the apartments right next to the parking lot.  It is a YOUNG CHILD walking around without supervision.  Do y’all remember the 2 year old that was thrown from the overpass onto the freeway?! Do you realize that could have been anyone’s child?  Including yours! Wise up.  Watch your children.  Its not hard.

Pregnancy is beautiful. Absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.  UNTIL you wear a belly shirt and booty shorts so that you can show off your marijuana plant tattoo on your abdomen.  Nice. (I thought about taking a discrete picture with my phone when I saw this but decided pregnant or not she could kick my ass…)

Why do you vandalize everything?  I mean legit everything.  CompUSA has been closed like a month and you can barely tell that it was painted white at one point.  Its ridiculous.  Since when is spray painting stuff is bad hand writing cool?  And why didn’t anyone tell me when this crossed over from seriously skanky?

Why do you all suck at driving?  If you are EXACTLY even with my car on the road… chances are I can not see your turn signal.  It DOES NOT HELP matters when you decided that since I haven’t let you in front of me, to go ahead and start moving in my lane.  When I’m still EXACTLY even with you. Tell me what logic this makes.  I will hunt you down.

Just so you know- the red, yellow, and green thing- is Jamaica’s deal.  Not yours.  STOP EFFING WEARING IT LIKE YOU ARE SO ORIGINAL. It not only is not original… but ugly.  Deal.

Have you all ever heard of ambition? I’m doubting it… but living with your parents until you are 32 because its easy, not necessary… is NOT a component of ambition.

Locals- (specifically… my neighbors) driving your big ass truck on MY yard is not okay. Leaving your flip flops on MY yard is not okay.  AND MOST IMPORTANTLY leaving all your trash on my yard IS NOT OKAY.

Buying cars and putting “In Memory Of——” should not be a trendy thing to do.  It doesn’t make sense either!  You bought your car in loving memory of your deceased aunt?  No you didn’t… you bought it in loving memory of driving around instead of taking the bus. Like I’m all about making tributes to those that we’ve lost… but thats not the way to do it.

Have you ever heard of cleaning up after yourselves?  Hawaii would be SO much more beautiful if you all would just care about your house and yard and area in general.  I’m tired of seeing decent apartments and houses look like trash because y’all just don’t care.  You always blame the military for making Hawaii less beautiful.  If it wasn’t for the military here… we might as well just make you all a land fill island.  For the trash.  Locals… obviously you’ll be able to stay since you fit so neatly into that category.

I’m pissy.  Sorry.  No… you know what?  I’m not sorry. I’m pissy and Hawaii- you deserve all the rage that you are getting from me.  Probably even more.  I wish one of those volcanoes would take you out… never to be seen again.