Archive for April, 2008

A weekend full of bullets. (not literally… literary)

Posted in Dreams (the kind you have while sleeping), Freaking Hilarious, Hawaii, I heart Lists, Random, Television on April 28, 2008 by Danielle Self
  • If I have ONE more dream about television I may be forced to with go watching it for a couple weeks.  This time I dreamed I was one of Hef’s girlfriends… I love me some Girls Next Door.
  • I played Wii for like 2 hours a day Saturday and Sunday… I can’t decide if I’m just a lot more out of shape than I had originally thought or if playing the wii is just that good of a work out.  Either way- I breathe and I feel every muscle in my back and I can’t straighten my arms out completely.  I haven’t been this sore in FOREVER.
  • Saturday was J’s dad’s death day… 9 years.  Pretty crazy….
  • J and I went to go see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last weekend.  So OBVIOUSLY this weekend was filled to the brim with the unforgetable scene “I’ve got a surprise for you!” while I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe. Ever notice how a naked girl is sexy and a naked guy is funny?  Haha
  • I figured out how to get all the photos off my iPhone.  It was a magnificent moment of clarity. 4 months of attempts… concluding with SUCCESS! See a few examples of my world below.

    WHAT THE EFF IS ON THAT GUY’S HEAD?! I’ll tell you what… lots of tiny rubber bands.  Guy- You looked like such a douche bag that I had to take a picture of you.  Color coordinating your hair ties with your t-shirt= NOT COOL.

    OMG.  Hahahaha J found a tattoo in his poptart box so I convinced him that ass tattoos are exponentially cooler than upper arm tattoos.  TO THE MOOOOON!

    Alright alright alright… Hawaii doesn’t suck all the time.

    In fact sometimes… its quite pretty.
  • I had the CRAZIEST dream… I was going to prom with the most random people in the world.  My date was this guy that I knew in high school but never once talked to.  The whole day before prom I had this power to “fix” whatever I wanted.  Almost like I had unlimited wishes.  All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine what I had was what I wanted and when I opened my eyes, it would be changed. I thought this was a great insight on how I’ve been feeling lately.  So while I was driving around earlier in the day I wished that my water was a delicious shake that was good for me.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my dress was designer.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my date was hotter.  And then he was.  Then I wished that I had the most perfect smokey eye look.  And then I did. By the end of my dream though, no one wanted to go to prom so it didn’t matter what my dress looked like or my make up.  Random… but neat I guess.  I wish I had that power. That’d be BA.

Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously.

Posted in Growing Up, life, Random on April 22, 2008 by Danielle Self

I started reading “Stupid and Contagious” by Caprice Crane yesterday which just so happens to be an AMAZING book so far. I’ll go more into that when I finish it but what I mean to talk about is that there seemed to be a reoccurring theme in my day.

The theme was choices and how they shape every. single. little. moment. of your life. There was an excerpt from the book where Brady was talking about how every little thing that he did had led up to his recent ex and how had one little tiny little thing changed that he probably would not have met her.  Then when I was watching Greek (which was a phenomenal episode) they were going back in the past and showing how that little choices led to bigger choices which led to huge moments in time that changed Everything.

Then I got to thinking about how little things have changed my life so drastically. Its crazy how you take little to no time to make some decisions which in retrospect could be the most important moment in your life.  For instance, had you not worn a certain color dress to a party maybe that guy wouldn’t have noticed you and then the first and subsequent second, third, fourth, etc dates wouldn’t have occurred.  Then where would you be had you never met him?

For me, it was what if I hadn’t started drinking after high school?- Would T and I still be together? Would I be in Hawaii?…. What if I had gone to Baylor like I had originally planned?- Who would I have met? How would things be different?…. What if I had pledged the other sorority that I went to on pref night?- Who would have been my partner in crime? Would I have even had one? What secrets would I have learned?… What if J and I had slowed things down from the very beginning?- Would we still be together?  What would our relationship be like now?

Its crazy when you realize that small decisions make such a huge impact on every moment in your life.  I skipped the gym yesterday because my stomach was upset- If I would have went, would I have met someone? Would I have hurt myself? Little things like that where you don’t really think it makes a difference could have been a defining moment in the master plan of your life.

Even if you choose to not make a choice- that in itself is a choice. Its crazy to think about.

I know its dumb to think about so much and it does nothing to think about the what ifs but its kind of cool to think that each day you are making monumental decisions that define your life and where you will be in a week… month… a year… and even ten years.

Part of me thinks that everyone holds the key to their own destiny and each choice is consciously made and leads you on one path or another to a future that you are shaping with each moment.  However on the other hand, part of me wants to believe in destiny. That each decision kind of tricks you into thinking that you made it on your own.  But that each person has a predetermined destiny and future.  Kind of the idea that although smaller decisions may change,  they are completely linked into one large cosmic maze that ultimately has only one exit.

Interesting.  Very interesting.

Racism.

Posted in Random, Unsent Letters, Work on April 15, 2008 by Danielle Self

This could very possibly be a slightly touchy subject for a few: thats right, I’m going to talk about racism.

I read that bogus post “Thank You White People” or whatever that was so big and I was flabbergasted.  Had a white person written something along the lines of that… we would have been hunted down and shot and accused of some horrible crime like punching babies in the face or tripping old people.  I understand that somebody’s great great grandparents enslaved their great great grandparents.  And that sucks. But really? That was 100s of years ago and the white people of America can only say “I’m sorry” so many times. It was not our fault but the fault of our past.  Yes, there are some crazy people that still believe that they are of a lower class because of their skin color… but I honestly do not believe that that is the majority.

Before I go any further I want to make sure that people don’t think that I’m racist because I am most definitely not.  High School Sweetheart is Latino and LA Lawyer is African American as well as a football player that I briefly dated right after high school. I hold no grudges against any race other than when the topic of racism arises because that tends to be when people get dumb.

Okay now that that is out of the way, I rarely just really dislike people. I’m indifferent to a lot of people where I don’t necessarily like them but I don’t necessarily dislike them.  But today I crossed a line with one of my coworkers.  She is a new agent and thinks she is hot shit. Shes been gradually getting on my nerves since she first started working here.  I tried to avoid her so as to prolong the “indifferent phase” but I can’t any longer. I want to rip her weave out. I believe she is from VA but I’m not sure.  Nevertheless, I think that she is the right hand of Satan.

I am an office assistant.  As in I generally assist people in the office as well as the broad business side of things.  I file; I print; I type; I organize; I greet; I assist.  I get that.  It is my job to help them in any way I can and I am more than happy to do it considering I’m usually sitting here stalking people’s blogs because I have nothing to do. However, it is not my job to be their bitch.

If you would like for me to print something off for you (out of sheer kindness because this is your work to do) because you are irresponsible and FORTY MINUTES LATE to your meeting do not raise your voice at me and shove out your hand and grasp the air like I’m an idiot that should have already had this done.  Also, if you’re leaving, just leave, you don’t have to come by my desk and tell me.  I’ll realize you aren’t here by the lack of putrid arrogance in the air.  After receiving a compliment, most people would smile and say thank you.  You, you, you.  You are different though.  Just so you know “I know. Isn’t it great? God blessed me with good genes.” is NOT an acceptable response to someone saying that you don’t look your age. (which btw is WAY old)

I’m sure that some of you are wondering why I started off with racism and then went to how I despise this new agent.  Well, heres the rub- shes African American. I’m doubting I would have said anything anyways due to me being so nonconfrontational. But considering I am from the South it would be even MORE taboo to say anything to her about her being a bitch because of her race. Although my disliking her has to do with her lack of personality, humility, and kindness, if there was anyone that could tell I didn’t like her it would be automatically construed as racism.  And that sucks.  If she was purple, blue, yellow, brown, or white, I would still think that she needed an attitude adjustment. However, she is not.  She is black and because she is black I almost have to treat her with an extra amount of respect than I would people of my own race because I am overly cautious about being seen as racist.

I remember when I was dating that college football player that my mom found out who he was.  She had heard me say his name and as she was watching the news, sports came on and they were talking about him.  She called me that very moment and told me that I needed to come home. When I got back to my house, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to see him anymore and if she saw his phone number on the bill one more time that I would no longer have a phone. I told her that I really didn’t care what she thought but that I was going to see him anyways.  I was grounded for two weeks.  I got grounded for casually dating a black man.  Dead Serious.  She told me that it wasn’t necessarily her that had a problem but that she knew that my step father and grandparents would and she didn’t want to have to deal with that.  She said that if I continued the relationship that I would no longer be accepted in the family and that they would all disown me.

Ouch.

Seeing that level of blind racism and seeing how it can hurt someone made me realize that I never even wanted to be seen that way.  I know what is in my heart but I never wanted anyone to even question if I was racist or not.  However, I feel that its sad that I nearly have to put people of other races on a pedestal in order to accomplish that.

Why is the first response to someone not being especially nice to someone of a different race- racism?

All things positive

Posted in Getting in shape, I heart Lists, life on April 14, 2008 by Danielle Self

Today when I was looking at my dashboard I saw that someone had found my site using “I love him, but he doesn’t love me back”… at that point I decided that this blog has taken a nasty turn towards Feel-Sorry-For-Myself-Ville. Ya know, right next to SelfLoathing Town?  Therefore, today’s post is going to be dedicated to all the positive things I have going on in my life.

  1. I lost another 2 lbs.  That makes 24 since J and I broke up in December. Only 16 until I’m perfectly happy with my body. I’m hoping to get 10 of those off before I go back home in a month and 4 days.
  2. My BFF called me for the first time in a month or so.  I swear we’re soul mates. She just knew.
  3. After I blogged yesterday and was still feeling sorry for myself and still crying, my beautiful puppy walked up to me laying on the couch and literally licked all my tears away. I love him. Introducing my little BoBo-
  4. Greek comes on tonight.  That always makes me smile. I swear if I have to watch MY Scott Michael Foster make out with Rebecca Logan one more time though… Ha.
  5. I have A LOT of money in my checking account… and since I am no longer taking J skydiving before I leave, I’m thinking that I should buy myself something pretty.
  6. I have a job lined up as a personal assistant when I get home.  Woot woot!
  7. LA Lawyer emailed again.  Since I’m flying home with my puppy, I am going to make a short trip out there sometime this summer when he’s available.  All expenses on him. :-)
  8. Not having to hang out with J on the weekends means that I get to go to the beach and show off my 24 pounds skinnier body and sexy swimsuits I bought a few weeks ago (that I have yet to be able to wear because he refuses to go to the beach because hes “too white and fat”).
  9. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow and since I’m not in the states I’m not obligated to go see him!
  10. I get to go flirt with the cute guys that work at the gym in about 10 mintues :-)

See… life is good. I just forget sometimes.
Oh and if you’re having issues finding a reason to smile today.  Watch this video- if you don’t laugh, you aren’t human.

I’m going home.

Posted in Bring on the Rain, Growing Up, life, Love on April 13, 2008 by Danielle Self

I’ve rewritten the first line to this blog at least 10 times… and I think that is a complete picture of what the inside of my head feels like right now. So if the blog doesn’t make much sense… I’m sorry.  I just want to get this out in the open.  I need to talk about this.  And seeing as my best friend is too wrapped up in her stupid boyfriend to talk and my mom hates J so she won’t listen…. and my brother is in Korea…. this is all I’ve got.

J and I just got in a fight.  As in a turn off the tv, yelling at each other, semi breaking up, relationship defining fight.  We were watching “I Know My Kids a Star” on VH1 which was probably a bad idea in the beginning but there was nothing else on and its raining so we couldn’t get out.  J has this thing about how he hates for parents to live their lives through their kids and push them too hard.  When one of the mom-child combos were eliminated, the mom kept telling the daughter that she was the best and that the judges must not have known what they were talking about, etc.  Whereas I didn’t see anything wrong with a little self esteem boost from the mom, J started getting really mad.  He started going on this rant about how you should never tell your kids that they are the best or better than anyone else because its putting them on a pedestal and they’ll stop working so hard.  I said that I didn’t agree and he started throwing all these questions at me and being really mean saying that I was stupid and I didn’t know what I was talking about. I started getting really offended that he was saying some of the things that he was saying.  I get that he doesn’t agree with me but I didn’t think that there was any reason to attack my mom and my personal character.  So I told him that it was clear that we weren’t going to agree so we should just drop it and I turned the television back on.  He kept sitting there pouting for about 15 minutes and even through me trying to lighten up the mood and make him laugh he kept sulking. So I turned the tv back off and asked him what was really wrong.  He said that I was right.  It was clear that we were never going to agree on anything to do with raising kids.  So therefore it was clear that we were never going to work out.  It didn’t matter that he loved almost every little thing about me- raising kids is a big deal.  And he feels that the ideals that I have when it comes to raising kids is “poison in the veins of a child”. So he got up- started packing his things- and left.  Without saying another word.

I held it together in front of him and put my stone face on but the moment the door slammed I lost it.  I haven’t cried that hard in a long time.  Its like the craziest rollercoaster in the world with J. The highs are record breaking highs and the lows nearly derail me. Its one of those coasters that the entire time you are at the top you’re anticipating the bottoms and at the bottoms you can’t see that you nearly crashed.. all you can see is that it will go up again.  But no matter where you are- you’re sick to your stomach and thinking that you want to get off right. now. but you also want to see how long the whole ride lasts and if it ever levels off.

I don’t get it.  J is not right for me.  I know this.  I know that he is an asshole and has horrible values and his sister is a freaking psychopath. I know that he’s mean and rude and doesn’t respect his elders.  I know that he doesn’t have many goals and is constantly contridicting himself.  I know that physically and stylishly he’s not my type.  I know that he never wants his daughter to be in pageants.  I know that he wants his kids to wake up at the crack of dawn to clean before school.  I know that he believes in harsh punishment.  I know that he yells too much.  I know that him calling me names shouldn’t be okay.  I know that he’s shady when it comes to the girls he talks to.  I know that him not being able to get past my past is a big deal.  I know that he has horrible taste in music and is annoyingly OCD when it comes to his stuff.  I know that he sometimes embarasses me in public and I know that he would be a good father but HORRIBLE dad. I know that he always has to be right and will not drop an argument until he thinks you believe he is right too. I know that our personalities don’t mix.  I know that him laughing at me shouldn’t be acceptable. I know he’s not perfect… far from it actually.  But I also know that I love him.  Why? Why? Why?

He’s not right for me and I know I could do better…. but I don’t want to.  I want J and its so frustrating that he is the way he is.  Maybe its because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel with him.  Maybe I’m still thinking of the guy that I met and fell in love with.  The one that put me on his shoulders at the beach so that I could see the turtle in the water- the one that told me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me- the one that said that he loved everything about me including my flaws- the one that couldn’t wait to get home to see me and the one that would look me in the eyes all the time and tell me that he couldn’t live without me. Maybe thats the guy that I can’t let go.  The one that made me think it was okay to get engaged after a month.  The one that made me forget about T.  When we broke off the engagement he said that he had went into some sort of trance and wasn’t really him when we met.  He said that he was on “auto-pilot”.  I thought it was a line.  Apparently it was a totally different person.

I want that person back.

I want to go home. Now.

TOTALLY Inappropriate.

Posted in My Mom on April 11, 2008 by Danielle Self

Yesterday afternoon while I was at work my mother and I had a conversation via MSN Messenger.  I was all types of upset afterward.  Someone please let me know I was not out of line getting upset with her.  Her helicopter hovering continues….

Mom: I noticed that boy is talking to you again… did he feel rejected after you left?
Me: ha yea. I haven’t talked to him on the phone in about 2 weeks.
Mom: hmmm….
Me: like the thing about him is he was one of those guys where I knew I had him if I wanted… it was too easy. He was talking about how an ocean between our relationship was hard but that “we could overcome anything after this.” Like I said I was open to dating other guys when I get back home but I am NOT open to relationships so soon. If at all.  We’ll see.
Mom: Sounds like the closed door you had with T
Me: nah
Mom: Do you even remember the whole logic you had about navy guys being in dead end jobs and that wasnt the lifestyle you wanted…

Me: I’m not open to relationships so soon because I don’t think its fair for someone to be in a relationship with me knowing that I’m on the phone with someone else nearly every night and that I can’t give my all to the relationship NOT because I’m waiting on him
Mom: so you plan already to talk every night
Me: uh yes he’s my friend…  regardless of anything else he is my friend and just so you know- I’m not going to change my mind
Mom: uh just so you know.. I wasnt asking you to.
Me: you implied that you were
Mom: no… that is what you heard.
Me: “so you’re already planning to talk every night?” what else would that mean?!
Mom: it means what it said…. so.. you are already planning to talk to him every night.. that is still a relationship.. but that is your deal
Me: yea it is.
Mom: “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
Me: planning on it
Mom: “One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”
Me: okay mom. I get it
Mom: i am done and i am going to bed.
Me: I’m going to do what I’m going to do
Mom: I think your step dad wants sex.
Me: was that necessary?
Mom: your welcome. I know how to shut you up.
Me: J’s coming over tonight too
Mom: So? He does every night.
Me: Um NO. I see him on the weekends and thats really it.
Mom: Whatever. take some midol and chill.

Was that necessary?! Normal moms dont do that do they? Regardless I’m not going to talk to my daughter like this. Ever.  So angry following this.  But I had a GREAT workout… so the anger worked out for me I suppose..

New Life- New Beginnings

Posted in Growing Up, life on April 9, 2008 by Danielle Self

Last night around 10:45pm HST my mom called me.  Initially, I was really worried as that makes it about 3:45am her time.  When I answered the phone she sounded calm and collected.  I breathed a sigh of relief and she told me that my cousin was going into labor.  Everything was fine, she just wanted to let me know.

My 18 year old cousin gave birth to a baby boy this morning at about 11:30 CST. He was a month early but still weighed nearly 7 lbs. I have only seen 2 pictures but of course he looks cute.

This got me thinking though.  Its really funny how life works sometimes.  My cousin and I were pretty close growing up and even back when we were 7 or so, I was always the one talking about how I wanted my husband to be and what I wanted to name my future kids.  She said she never wanted kids. Ever. And she never wanted to get married. She has said that since I can even remember.  And here she is with a brand new baby boy. Yes, the pregnancy was a surprise but in the end she accepted it and I think was even a little happy about it.

She and her fiance have been together almost 2 years.  She said she doesn’t want to marry him but couldn’t really say no to his proposal since they were living together.  After being engaged about 3 months, she got in a wreck.  She hurt her back so she had gotten a doctor’s appointment to have it checked out.  While in X-Ray they asked her if she knew that she was pregnant.  I’ll never forget that phone call after she found out. She had cried all the tears away but there was still a lingering sense of “I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.” left in her voice.

My mom sent me pictures of her taken right after the baby was born. There is one where she is pointing at him and crying.  It was obvious that those tears were because she was so happy. They always say that you can never understand the love that a mother has for her child until you become a mother yourself. That picture proved just that.

Its odd to think that another living being came from my younger cousin. Its odd to think that he has his whole life ahead of him.  A life of learning to walk and learning morals and developing character.  A life filled with love, happiness, sadness, and finding out who he really is.  Someday he’ll start liking girls and go on dates.  He’ll graduate high school and hopefully college.  This small helpless being literally has the world at his finger tips and my cousin gets to help mold him into the best man that he can be.

It gives an entirely new perspective on a “clean slate”.