2 weddings and a funeral.

I’m sitting on the couch all alone seething in the fact that my lovable little puppy just looked me in the eye, lifted his leg, and pissed on my gym bag.  <— Not entirely relevant to my post… but bothered me nonetheless.

Actually, I was sitting here watching “How Do I Look?” on the Style Network and just generally reveling in the reality show world that seems to have taken over my life when the makeoveree comes out and looks AMAZING. This chick who was 100% nasty trailer trash goodness comes out and looks hott. H-O-T-T. Seriously.  Then her boyfriend comes up and hugs her and tells her that she looks amazing and then drops on one knee and proposes.  At this point, most other girls would tilt their head to one side, sigh, and do some form of “awwwwww!” Whereas in my case, I start crying uncontrollably.  I wonder if this will ever end? Its odd to think that had things been still going to plan I would be a mere 136 days from walking down the isle.

I can’t help but rub my ring finger every time I think of him and know that MY ring is sitting in a box in his closet. MY ring…. that I may never wear again.  I went over to his place one night and after a few drinks mustered up the courage to ask if I could wear it for the night. Why? …. Because Last Year’s Queen still wants it to be her year.  After approximately 35 seconds I took it off again.  It was too much. This gorgeous ring that I picked out myself, that meant so much, and promised me the world and all the happiness it can bring is now just a piece of metal and a rock. There’s no promise now- no hope- no “when we have kids”- no us…. which is the hardest part.

J proposed on October 1st.  A very short and intense 37 days from the very first time we met. I just “knew”. Thats how I explained it to people when they told me I was crazy for doing it so young and so quickly.  I told them I know it sounds crazy but “I just know.” Don’t I look dumb now? Survey says- Yes.

However, I still find it necessary for some reason to keep the Bridal Mags that I bought that first weekend and watch the Style Network. (Which should really be called- “We like shoving it in your face that we found so many people that are getting married to make a new episode to every show on this channel every week and you aren’t one of them” Network.)  I guess I like to believe theres still hope for us… something. I at least try rationalizing my odd behaviors.

Its one of those things that I know its probably not the best thing for me. I believe that once a man yells “God. Are you Fucking Stupid?!?!” in your face when you are trying to park his car for him… then you should walk away.  I apparently can’t.  Guess I’ll just continue to mind screw myself into this fracking huge hole I’m digging.

Oh and dog that peed on my gym bag?  Engagement gift from said ex…  Super.


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