The Saga Continues…

My brother texted me last night.

My uncle tried to kill himself over the weekend.

He hasn’t been coping well since my father died and apparently decided that he didn’t want to try coping anymore.  So he took 25 Ambien and slit his wrists.  Totally disregarding his 2 young girls, 2 step children, wife, and military career.

I understand that he’s sad that Daddy is gone… I’m sad…. my brother is sad… a lot of people are still hurting that he’s gone. But none of us are going to end our lives because we can’t deal.

I’m just totally confused at it all… not simply because he thought that that was the only way to make it stop hurting but that they weren’t close.  I get that they were brothers so there’s automatically a special bond there…. but other than that basic brother bond…. that was it.  They didn’t speak.  They didn’t email. Nothing. In fact, if anything it was more of the opposite.  They went out of their way to not speak.

What bothers me most though is that people are putting this golden glow around my dad since he’s gone.  He was a great man.  He was.  But like any other human he had his faults. And its not right to totally disregard those faults like they never happened.  Its like the end of a long relationship.  You need to look back on the good times and smile… but also look on the bad times and remember.  Not only does it make it easier to cope with but it makes it keeps his true memory in tact. It keeps the essence of my father alive to remember him how he truly was and not this picture-perfect person that never existed.  And it makes me want to scream that people keep muddling his memory. Maybe they didn’t know him like I did. Maybe they never took the time to sit with him and talk… but if that’s the case, they have no business being affected by his death at all.

Secondly, I have issues with the fact that my aunt messaged my brother and told him about my uncle but didn’t think that I would care to know.  I realize that I’m not that liked on that side of the family but I still deserve the consideration of knowing that the one person on that side of the family that I do like, tried to kill himself. He’s my Uncle Monkey… why would I not want to know?

Thirdly, I would like to point out that my dad dying and my uncle trying to die should be 75% attributed to my failure of a grandmother. When you have your husband carrying you in and out of the house to go to the hospital because you are too drugged up to walk yourself, when you put up divorce papers on numerous occasions because you are so high that you don’t know what you’re doing, when you beat your children so much it leaves marks because the drugs cloud your conscience… when you do it so often that your children know nothing but prescription drugs and think that that is the norm…. you pass that on to them. And you wonder why you’re all alone?? Get a clue. It hurt me that you wouldn’t even look at me at Dad’s funeral. It hurt me more that you lied to me and told me you loved me while not even looking at me.  It hurt me most that when you “found out” that I was hurt a week or so later, you called my brother to say that you really did love me and wanted to apologize.  You didn’t even try calling me. You selfish, lying bitch. I know you don’t love me.  You never have. Why? Because I’m too much like my mom.  You know what I have to say about that? Good. I’d rather be not loved for being happy, successful, caring, smart, and driven… than be loved for being anyone other than who I truly am.

New… EVERYTHING! well… almost.

It is officially 2009. Crazy right? This time last year I was single, pissed, and looking forward to going back home to Arkansas for good and finishing school. Now I’m married… back in Hawaii with the guy that I was so mad at… sitting with my beautiful new puppy, in my brand new house, and definitely not back in school. Its weird how thing happen like that.  How everything works out in the end.  I love it.

The only thing not new? T. T is back with a vengeance and really trying to make things difficult. He called the other day to talk about this girl that he was dating that “pulled a Danielle” and hasn’t been sober in over a week and a half. (Okay. SLIGHTLY perturbed by his word usage there.) He was upset because they had been seeing each other for a month or two and it was “understood” that they were exclusive even though there were no titles. (Yea. Apparently he likes the lack of titles.) Anyways.  New Year’s Eve he decided that he would rather hang out with his sister and brother-in-law than his not girlfriend. She ended up hanging out with this guy “that is a total loser” and ended up sleeping with him.  I told him that that sucks but she’s 20 years old and you made it clear that you were not her boyfriend.  She can do what she wants. Everyone needs to go through a crazy phase like that.  Just sucks that you had to have two kind-of-girlfriends that went through it while they were with you.  The conversation followed that path for the next hour and 15 minutes. —- Fast forward to later that night. He called again.  Drunk. In Fayetteville. Heading to the casino in Siloam.  I thought this was a normal call until he asked if I had him on speaker.  Of course I didn’t. He then began to tell me all about how he knows that we are made for each other and how mad he is that I had to go to Hawaii and get better then get engaged and not give him a chance after I was sober.  He was saying that Justin isn’t good enough for me and theres no way that I love Justin more than I loved him.  I told him if he really meant all that he said that he would call back the next morning and tell me that he meant it. Sober. And well aware of his words. (Not that it would change ANYTHING.) He called. He meant it. He was sober for the very first time telling me how he really felt. And it was far too late.

I’m having your baby? And its name is Adin? What?

I updated Twitter today with “So apparently I’m pregnant! Yay!” 

Sorry to disappoint but I’m not pregnant.  And I can explain.

About noon today while I was at work I noticed that my phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing.  So as soon as I got a chance to check it, I did.  I saw that I had a missed call, voicemail, AND text from my sister-in-law as well as a couple missed calls and voicemail from my husband.  Being the concerned wife that I am, I checked my messages immediately. The voicemail from Justin? “Danielle. You need to call me at the office as soon as you get this.  Don’t wait. Its very important that you call me ASAP.”

Um…. what did I do….?

Called him at the office-
“Danielle, why didn’t you tell me you are pregnant?!”
“What…?”
“We are having a child and you didn’t tell me? How could you?!”
“…What…?”
“Kaye (his aunt) got a baby shower invitation in the mail today in honor of you and our baby who you apparently named Adin Monroe.”
“I’m really confused… what…?”
“How in the world could you be so pregnant that you already gave him a name and didn’t even bother to tell me?!”
“…. I don’t get it.”
 ”Okay I guess I’ll let you in on whats going on. This morning Kaye called my mom and said that she got a baby shower invite in with your name on it.  She was saying her congrats to my mom. But my mom was so mad that we hadn’t told her yet.  So she called Leslie (his sister) to make sure that it was true.  Leslie said she didn’t think so but called me to ask.  I of course was really mad and thats when I left you that voicemail. After that, I called Kaye to ask her what exactly she saw.  The baby shower was for Danielle HardIN.  Not Danielle HardY.”
“Wow. Did you really think that I would be pregnant for like two months now and not tell you?”
“Well…..”

Yea so basically that was it- my bad for not being clearer in my tweet!  It probably should have read something along the lines of “Next time I’m pregnant I wish someone would let me know first.” or “I’m pregnant! Or at least thats what the shower invite says.” 

Oh- and high five to me for having a non-election related post today! Woot woot!

What am I the Wizard of Oz? Need a brain? Need a heart? Here take mine.

I realize that I have been gone for far too long and that I perhaps have lost ALL of my regular readers… but honestly, that was a price that I was willing to pay. I had to make certain people forget that I had a blog. Hopefully it worked. Hopefully they don’t check this anymore. And again… hopefully I can get back to spilling things out like I was prior to my big outing. Because honestly- I need this blog. I need it as an outlet to let myself know that Im not as crazy as I feel. That there are other people out there that go through similar things. Writing in my journal over the past few weeks has helped a bit but not near as much as this was.

So back to where we left off- I’m honestly not sure where to begin… so much has happened in the past month that its been slightly EXTREMELY overwhelming. Guess that means only one thing. Bullet time.

• I bought a new car. 2005 Altima in a Charcoal Gray. Its so pretty and exactly what I wanted. I managed to flirt enough that they pushed me down to 7000 below internet price. I began to regret that flirting decision when the 40 something financial guy from Toyota started stalker calling me to go to Padrissimo (a Hispanic Dance Club) ANYWHO. The next morning after I took my perfect car home it started smoking. Long story short- I’ve been in a rental car for the past month as they put in a new engine.
• Rental Car. Right? That was smashed into a pole last weekend after I made a bad decision to go drink 3/4 of a fifth of Smirnoff and then go joy riding to my old sorority house. WHY?! Who knows… but I am so broke now that its not even funny. Its horrible to say but I am very very fortunate that is all that happened. Thank God there were no other cars involved nor the police. THAT would have been really bad. I am not hurt either. I didn’t even know that I had wrecked until the next morning. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky that it happened.. just fortunate that that was ALL that happened.
• Resulting Consequences? $500 paid to the rental company and the wreck go on my insurance. Fiance has prohibited drinking and “strongly discourages” me hanging out with my best guy friend from here. He said that if I touched another glass of alcohol until he thought I was ready that the wedding was off. Needless to say- I gave my roommate my alcohol and told her to have it drank before the end of the week or it was going down the drain. It was gone 2 nights later.
• J forgave me and we began to move on. Things were tight but we were making it. All we needed was to sell my car back in Hawaii and we were home free. 3 days after the accident Justin called and told me that my car was totaled. He had taken it to go show it to a chick in the military that was really interested and it wouldn’t start. He took it to the shop and they told him that the repairs would be about $2000… blown head gasket among other things… the car is only worth about $3000. So the best deal we could manage was to give it to someone that agreed to tow it off the mechanics lot for free.
• Oh, and did I mention that my alcoholic escapade, the wreck, the car not being able to be sold and my car tags being due all occurred within the same week and couple days?! Yea. BAD WEEK.
• Yea. I’m broke. I have School bills to pay that I was forced to put on my credit card. Thats a good $1300… now that the car didn’t sell I have to put my sales tax for my new car on my credit card as well which I’m anticipating to be about another $1000. Then somehow I need to buy Justin’s wedding band which is another $850ish. ANNNNNNNNNNNND we need to ship my car back to Hawaii in December which is $1500. ANNNNNNNNND we need to furnish our new house. Yea. Broke doesn’t QUITE describe that loads of crap I’m wading through.
• Solutions? I’m moving back in with the parentals until the wedding. Yes, its only 2 months but I still feel like a serious failure at life. I’m selling all my pageant paraphernalia on ebay. And signing my life away over to odd jobs. Earlier this week I babysat my demon half-siblings. And tomorrow I am pulling weeds for my mom and cleaning her resource room. BLEGH. NOT FUN. But you do what you have to do right?
• And here’s the real kicker and the thing that really is going to save or destroy everything. The top secret mission. Justin and I are getting married when he comes in town this weekend. As in going to the justice of the peace and signing the paperwork. I know this sounds silly considering we are so close to the actual wedding… but we both know that we are getting married and he gets paid an extra $2500ish a month for us being married. And obviously as you can see in the earlier bullets that we could really use that extra money. So thats how its going to save everything. It could seriously get destroyed though if my mother finds out. I’m doubting that she would be as obliged to pay for the wedding if she knew that the reason that there was the wedding was already taken care of. Now I thought this would be easy to hide from her until my father made a good point. Legal things are put in the paper as public record and there is nothing that you can do to get them out of there. All it would take is one of her nosy friends to be looking through there and then we would be screwed.
• OH and another thing. My laptop died. Like not the battery died. The computer itself is dead. Gone to a better place… dead. The screen refuses to come back on. I called a repair place to get a quote and he said about $250 I decided at that point that it was better to call it a loss and save up for a new MacBook when possible.
• My. World. Has. Been. A. Black. Hole. Of. Despair. Seriously. Black. Hole.

The only thing that has been bringing light into my life is knowing that I get to see J in LESS THAN FOUR DAYS!!!!! And I’ve recently become sucked into Twilight. I read the first two books in 3 days. I’m about three quarters ways through the last book. I fracking LOVE those books. I want to be a vampire and I want to make out with Edward Cullen. I’m going to find him. End of story.

Hey la hey la MY BOYFRIEND’S BACK!!

So I’ve been rather upset this past week since I left J.  Its been really awful. (I’ll go more into that a bit later) So feeling a bit down- I wanted to talk to J.

His phone was off.  An entire freaking day.

I was starting to get upset.

I mean- who turns their phone off in the middle of the day for no reason?

I left like 3 messages.  Wrote a comment on his myspace. And just being generally borderline stalkerish.

I started studying for Spanish to get my mind off of missing him.

I pick up my book and he finally called me back.

“What are you doing?”
“I’m studying for my Spanish quiz tomorrow. You?”
“I’m in Wal Mart”
“Wow.  Thats a first.  Why would you go to Wal Mart when you can get stuff cheaper at the NEX?”
“There’s not a NEX here.  This Wal Mart is in HOMETOWN Arkansas.”
“No its not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I’m not.  Here’s my sister”
“WHAT?!?!”

**Begin happy dance.**
**Continue happy dance.**
**Have mother look at me like I’m an idiot because I’m jumping up and down and screaming in the living room**
**Keep on dancing**

*Insert high pitched squeeling voice* “I’M SO FREAKING HAPPY!  COME SEE ME. NOW. Now. Now.”

My boyfriend’s back… :-) for a week… but still.  :-)

Stress has consumed my body completely.

The past few days I’ve been trying to get my things together to leave but have been failing miserably.  How did I get all this junk over here from AR in the first place?!

I’m done with work.  Got leid. My boss asked me to marry him when we went out to lunch. Part of me thinks he wasn’t joking.

I realize that my friends are excited to have me back. But if I have to explain that I’m not the same drunken mess that I used to be, only to have them retort back- “Oh.  I’m sure you’ll fall right back into it when you get home.” I’m going to hurt myself.  Thanks for the support buddies.

J is still reeling from his surgery.  He can finally get up on his own and shower himself which is good but since he’s still on the crutches he can’t really carry anything.  I don’t know what he’s going to do when I’m gone and can’t help him.

Continuing with that… he keeps asking me to stay.  And it gets harder and harder to say no each time. I have been coming home for lunch so I could get him something to eat and drink and make sure he’s okay.  I didn’t get to yesterday and he said that I was gone too long and that he missed me.  Then I counted up the months… and we have a good 7 months starting Friday that we won’t get to see each other.

I don’t think that it has set in that I’m really moving… as in…. I’m leaving Hawaii for good.  You ever notice that no matter how bad something seems… it always gets exponentially better right before you plan on leaving?

I’ve been trying to sell my car.  It would be that literally THE DAY that I put it on craigslist that something goes horribly wrong.  The car hardly starts… and when it does you will be driving and the whole dash will just shut off.  The car itself will run fine but the odometer and everything will just stop for about 10-15 seconds.  I had it listed at $3800…. some guy offered me $1800. Really…? No.  So after changing the stupid flat tire… I may have to change the stupid bad battery too.  I totally planned on spending $250 on the piece o’crap car right before I left.  Totally.

——————————-
Less stress filled topic- more search terms.
“Where college BOYS should stay in Waikiki” followed immediately by “gay Waikiki”……..Scout it.

EVERYONE FEAST!!

Anyone notice how everything either is a feast or a famine? Like in almost all aspects of life? Most of the time at the same freaking time?

My life is a feast right now. Some feats are GREAT… others are similar to raw sewage.

All month I was sitting at my desk playing on the computer because I had zero work to do.  SInce I told them I was leaving though, they’ve decided to do a little Spring cleaning… in the form of having me digitally archive every file since they opened.  We’re talking every single file of each house they’ve sold since 2003 needs to be scanned and archived.  I got through M-Z of 2005 today.  Every 2 or 3 pages something gets stuck in the copier and I have to fix it.  I’ve had the most ridiculous headache since I woke up this morning just from the anticipation of scanning more files. I’m going to die from this. Like maybe literally.  Theres no way I’m going to be able to get them done before I leave. That my job “feast”

NEXT, T called last night and he’s doing one of his pop up routines. Pulled the whole “J isn’t good for you and you know it.  And you’re amazing and you mean a lot to me and I miss you. I can’t wait for you to get back.  I want to bone you. Blah blah blah… I’m going to make you feel like a Princess for a month or so until you ruin any other relationship prospects and then I’m going to disappear like I always do.” Yea.  One of those.  And J is being amazing… telling me that he’s been re-thinking the whole “us” idea… and that he thinks that things will work out and he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me and all that jazz.  AND THEN LA Lawyer messaged me and that was just great as usual.  So theres a feast of boys.

And then there’s the whole lack of money feast.  Do you know how expensive it is to fly from Honolulu to Tulsa!?  I’ll tell you how expensive… $730 one-way.  Then I’ve got to pay for my puppy to fly… thats $300. And I have a flat tire.  And I need to go get groceries.  And I need to go get moving materials.  And Bubba’s friend decided not to buy my bed… and no one wants to buy my car.  And I need to buy stuff for my apartment. And I need to pay first month’s rent… and I need to buy a new car. LACK OF FREAKING MONEY!!

Feasts aren’t always good….

Um. Hi. Second post of the day but it JUST CAN’T WAIT!!

I realize that I just finished a post for the day like 30 minutes ago.  But within those 30 minutes, I checked my email.  ANOTHER EMAIL FROM LA LAWYER! WOOT WOOT!

Freaking excited. He’s in the middle of a big trial right now so that’s why he hasn’t called lately but he “expects a long email with lots of updates on how everything is going.” He wants me to stay in LA on my way back to AR for a couple days.  He has informed me that said stay is on him and that he would also pay for the difference in my plane ticket if it was higher.  He lives in Beverly Hills so he chose a few hotels around his area and sent me the links and said I should chose from those.

The W Hotel

Mondrian Hotel

Sunset Tower Hotel

Standard Hotels

Anyone notice that those hotels are like $275-500 A NIGHT?! WHAT?! OKAY! Um. HI. You mean I don’t have to stay at a Best Western? The classiest I’ve stayed in is Embassy Suites.

This is ridiculous.  There is no way that this email was really intended for me.  Stay in LA for a couple days and hang out with cute LA Lawyer?! For hardly any money?! SURE.  COUNT ME IN.

Am I crazy for seriously considering this offer? I think I may be. But really… when else am I going to get this opportunity?  This just doesn’t happen all the time! … Should I?!