Write Down Every Little Thing That Makes You Love Me.

I was driving around yesterday with the windows down, music up, just loving life.  Then this song came on the radio.

It gets so easy to get in a slump when you’re in a long term relationship. To forget why you’re in the relationship in the first place or to just lose that luster and passion.  So to prevent that… I’m going to make a list and challenge you to do the same.  Make a list of all the reasons why you love the person you love. And when you feel like giving up or not care anymore… read it. Remind yourself.

I love my husband because…
… he’s my best friend.
… he doesn’t know the artificial me.
… he loves me.
… he genuinely cares about my feelings.
… he knows when I’m upset before I even say anything.
… he lets me be free.
… he gets just jealous enough to show he cares but doesn’t go over board.
… he helps me not worry so much.
… he is ambitious.
… he is honest.
… he would give me the world if he could.
… he kisses me in the morning even though I have morning breath.
… by marrying me he gave me awesome in-laws.
… he’s sweet.
… he’s thoughtful.
… his cartoon voices make me laugh no matter what.
… he saved me from an addiction.
… he didn’t let me get away.
… he apologizes when he knows he’s wrong.
… his main goal in life is to make me happy.
… he calls me just to say he loves me even though he’ll be home in 5 minutes.
… he buys video games that he doesn’t like because he knows I will like them.
… he wants to be neat me.
… he loves dogs.
… he wants to be an amazing father.
… he’s secure in himself and his dreams.
… he encourages me to do things I love.
… he speaks his mind.
… he wants the best for himself and his family.
… he’s smart.
… he is a wonderful cook.
… he’s the funniest person I know.
… he doesn’t stay mad for long.
… he wants me to be involved in every part of his life.
… he’s independent.
… he lets me be me.
… he’s ridiculously handsome.
… he’s my soulmate.
… he gives me so many reasons to love him that I don’t have time or energy to name them all.

Photo by Miles Witt Boyer

New… EVERYTHING! well… almost.

It is officially 2009. Crazy right? This time last year I was single, pissed, and looking forward to going back home to Arkansas for good and finishing school. Now I’m married… back in Hawaii with the guy that I was so mad at… sitting with my beautiful new puppy, in my brand new house, and definitely not back in school. Its weird how thing happen like that.  How everything works out in the end.  I love it.

The only thing not new? T. T is back with a vengeance and really trying to make things difficult. He called the other day to talk about this girl that he was dating that “pulled a Danielle” and hasn’t been sober in over a week and a half. (Okay. SLIGHTLY perturbed by his word usage there.) He was upset because they had been seeing each other for a month or two and it was “understood” that they were exclusive even though there were no titles. (Yea. Apparently he likes the lack of titles.) Anyways.  New Year’s Eve he decided that he would rather hang out with his sister and brother-in-law than his not girlfriend. She ended up hanging out with this guy “that is a total loser” and ended up sleeping with him.  I told him that that sucks but she’s 20 years old and you made it clear that you were not her boyfriend.  She can do what she wants. Everyone needs to go through a crazy phase like that.  Just sucks that you had to have two kind-of-girlfriends that went through it while they were with you.  The conversation followed that path for the next hour and 15 minutes. —- Fast forward to later that night. He called again.  Drunk. In Fayetteville. Heading to the casino in Siloam.  I thought this was a normal call until he asked if I had him on speaker.  Of course I didn’t. He then began to tell me all about how he knows that we are made for each other and how mad he is that I had to go to Hawaii and get better then get engaged and not give him a chance after I was sober.  He was saying that Justin isn’t good enough for me and theres no way that I love Justin more than I loved him.  I told him if he really meant all that he said that he would call back the next morning and tell me that he meant it. Sober. And well aware of his words. (Not that it would change ANYTHING.) He called. He meant it. He was sober for the very first time telling me how he really felt. And it was far too late.

Beautiful Imperfection.

Its amazing the amount of things that can happen when you aren’t paying attention.

In the past year, I moved, went back to school, got re-engaged, dropped back out of school, got in a wreck, got a new car, decided said new car was a junker, got married, got in another wreck, lost a best friend, gained a new best friend, lost my father, got married again, and am now awaiting another move in a week.

Today is December 22, 2008 and I have been legally married to my husband for nearly 3 months now even though we just had the wedding on the 18th. It was beautiful. Of course there were a few things that didn’t go perfectly but really that’s part of what made it so beautiful.

As I sit here at my new mother-in-law’s house and watch my husband sleep in his signature pose (mouth WIDE open), I can’t help but realize how lucky I am to find a match that fits me so well. No, he’s not perfect. But neither am I. We argue… we fight… we definitely disagree on some things… but all in all we are each other’s perfect balance.

Its odd to think about how one minor decision changed on either side could have altered everything. Now I couldn’t be more thankful for my past drinking problems and his failure to even show up to his classes.

Not only has my marital status changed, but so has my religious status. A self proclaimed atheist mere weeks ago, I’m ready to start believing there is a God again. I’m still not so sure about this Heaven and Hell stuff… but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no way that all of the things that happened to get me here writing this today could have happened without a little guidance from the giant puppeteer in the sky.

Also, if there were no God… then how could I feel my dad watching me right now as I type? I miss him. More than I thought I would, to be honest. I guess its the old saying that you never really know what you have until its gone. Yes, he made many many many mistakes and for a while I really and truly hated him for it. But it was another one of those things that had it not happened, my life would have been drastically different and I’m 100% positive that I wouldn’t be sitting here next to my prissy little puppy and snoozing husband.

Now, I’m about to head back off to Hawaii. The one thing that crosses my mind? How desperately I’m going to miss my mom. There are other people and things I’m going to miss here… but my mom. My mom has been my rock for so long and kept me grounded and heading in the right direction. She’s not perfect… but we’re developing the perfect balance in our relationship more and more everyday. Its so easy to take people for granted until they are taken away from you. I know that my mom will always be there for me… but its different when you are 4,000 miles away. I’ll just have to keep my promise of no babies until I’m back in the Continental so she can spoil them properly.

In a messy room… filled with dirty clothes, beer, game cords, not much money, but a whole lot of love… I must say that I am easily one of the luckiest people in the world.

The best 10 days- EVER.

I’m married.

True.

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I was/am scared shitless.

Yes, we are still having the wedding in December.

Justin went back to Hawaii today.  I’ve decided that instead of wallowing in self pity… I’m going to blog, work out (Since I gained like 8 lbs while he was here), help mom clean house (Since I live with her now…), then repack my room and get it all ready to put in the pod and ship off to our new home.

So happy thoughts.  Happy thoughts.

Highlights from the engagement party:

My cousin's baby showed me why I should invest in birth control. I don't like baby slobber... and they slobber a lot.

 

Yea... I was that happy with him here. We are just too freakin' cute. :-)

My mom likes pictures where you aren't looking at the camera.

Again... look over there!

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

I love him. My husband.

Randomosity.

 

He is so sweet to me....

A Multitude of Happenings.

• T and I had lunch a couple days ago.  And it went perfectly.  Just as I hoped it would have.  Of course it was natural to want to flirt but other than that there was nothing.  I. Felt. Nothing.  And it was perfect.  We argued a lot because he doesn’t think that J is good enough for me…. but I assured him that I really didn’t care what he thought and that I was a big girl and I could do whatever I wanted.  I was amazed that I didn’t care to call him that night and overanalyze the entire situation.  I was amazed that when I told him he was stupid for dating a married woman and he got mad that I felt no need to apologize and grovel for forgiveness. I was amazed that when he left, a hug was sufficient.  I was amazed that all I could think about while sitting with him was J and how I couldn’t wait to see him again.
• I’ve been back in Arkansas for about 3 weeks now and have yet to have an alcoholic drink besides the couple beers I had with J.  I’m more proud of myself than I think people even realize. HOWEVER, I am pretty dang tired of my roommate already.  Its 12:30 in the morning… I have class at 730… and there is a party going on in my living room.  Amazing how 3 jello shots and one mixed drink will have you wasted in a matter of… ohhhh…. 15 minutes?  Crazy.  Someone please shoot me.
• My Fazzha called today and told me that he was sick and needed me to come and babysit my twin siblings. (Translation: “Daughter, I’m out of drugs and my surgery recovery time is up.  Time to find something else that makes me sick for 8-10 months.  Come over so I look legit.”) I’m so tired of it.  Thats a WHOLE nother ball game though… Maybe I’ll muster up the energy to release my daddy issues on everyone this weekened sometime… not right now though.  I’m too in the moment to be level headed about it.  But I’m not sure that after 15 years of being in the moment, that I’ll be able to take myself out of it.  I just wish he would man up and quit being such a dick head.
• J…. ahhhh J….. I’m sticking to my theory that he is one of the more complicated men in this world.  I love him dearly but I can’t understand him worth anything.  One minute he’s lovey dovey and wants to elope because he can’t stand to be away from me and the next he’s saying that he refuses to get married until I’ve graduated.  I just really don’t know what to do.  I guess my only option is to just wait…
• I got a job today :-) Finally! I’m going to be working at a tanning place in town.  Its not the best money in the world but it’ll do for now.
• Oh!  And I’ve also started working out again everyday.  J won’t see me again until December and I want to make sure that I look better than ever :-)

Okay Universe, I get it.

Lo siento for my hiatus this past week.  I have been trying to spend every single waking moment with J.  Yesterday morning, I went with his family to take him to the airport. So naturally, yesterday was “crying day” where I just wallowed in self pity until I literally couldn’t cry anymore.  And today I’m back.  Actually its like 4 in the morning… I just woke up to talk to J via webcam when he got back to his barracks.  And decided while I’m up and still don’t have cable in my apartment I should get back to the blog of it.

So, yea.. again yesterday= crying/wallow in self pity day. It seemed like every freaking where I looked I saw Hawaii.  I took some boxes to the dumpster…. on my way there I got to pass a couple more buildings.  One of which had a huge ass “I Love Hawaii” beach towel hanging from the banister.  I literally yelled “F*ck You” to the people whose apartment it was and started crying.  They were sitting on the balcony and probably really confused.  Then I was laying down watching Ever After and I got to thinking- Drew Barrymore stars in the movie…. she also starred in “50 First Dates” which was filmed in Hawaii. Okay I’m kind of pulling a “The Number 23.”  But still it just seemed like Hawaii was following me all day yesterday.

Now I’m here.  In my apartment.  Laying in bed.  All alone.  J laid in this same bed with me just two nights ago.  Sucks.

Hey la hey la MY BOYFRIEND’S BACK!!

So I’ve been rather upset this past week since I left J.  Its been really awful. (I’ll go more into that a bit later) So feeling a bit down- I wanted to talk to J.

His phone was off.  An entire freaking day.

I was starting to get upset.

I mean- who turns their phone off in the middle of the day for no reason?

I left like 3 messages.  Wrote a comment on his myspace. And just being generally borderline stalkerish.

I started studying for Spanish to get my mind off of missing him.

I pick up my book and he finally called me back.

“What are you doing?”
“I’m studying for my Spanish quiz tomorrow. You?”
“I’m in Wal Mart”
“Wow.  Thats a first.  Why would you go to Wal Mart when you can get stuff cheaper at the NEX?”
“There’s not a NEX here.  This Wal Mart is in HOMETOWN Arkansas.”
“No its not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I’m not.  Here’s my sister”
“WHAT?!?!”

**Begin happy dance.**
**Continue happy dance.**
**Have mother look at me like I’m an idiot because I’m jumping up and down and screaming in the living room**
**Keep on dancing**

*Insert high pitched squeeling voice* “I’M SO FREAKING HAPPY!  COME SEE ME. NOW. Now. Now.”

My boyfriend’s back… :-) for a week… but still.  :-)

Back to life. Back to reality.

I’m back in the NWA.  I miss J…. a lot.  Already.  I don’t think that its really set in that I’m 4,500 miles away from the love of my life… for the next 7 months.  As in… at the end of the week I’m not going back to HNL.

Woe is me.

Dr. Queen the Medicine Woman

I hope I’m not the only one who thought my title was clever.

J had knee surgery today. I took the day off so I could be there for him and take care of him.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 this morning. I got to stay with him in the waiting room until 7:30 when they wheeled him away to get his knee all cut up. I stayed in the waiting room and read and played on my phone until 11.  At that point the doctor came and told me that everything went great and they think that the surgery will fix all of his problems.  Half an hour and then I could go see him.  I was so excited.  Until 11:45 came and no one had come to get me.  And then 12:30.  And then 1:30.  FINALLY at 2, I saw them wheel J over to the window so he could point me out and we could go to the “wake up” phase of surgery where they just make sure everything is going okay for a few minutes and then tell us what to expect for the next few weeks. J couldn’t stay awake so we had to stay there a bit longer than normal…. but by 3:00 they decided that I could take him home.

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to… talk myself out of wanting him I guess.  I’ve been trying to tell myself that when I go home its no big deal that if it works out then thats fine but if it doesn’t then thats fine too.  But its not.  I’ve come to realize that I want to be with J now more than ever.  Being the incredibly flirtacious person that I am… its amazing that I just don’t care to flirt anymore.  I don’t care.  I don’t need another man’s attention.  I want his.

Today while I was waiting for the doctor to come tell me he was okay, I was on edge.  I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a couple minutes… I wanted to know how he was.  I needed to know how he was.  I guess I didn’t realize just how deep my affection for him goes until today.  When the doctor finally came to say that he was okay I couldn’t contain myself… then she opened the door and goes “Mrs.J??” I jumped up.  It was me.  I am Mrs. J.  I know that that is how its supposed to be.  I’ve always been the anti-relationship girl because I wanted to keep my options open.  Now I only want one option.

The nurse gave me the instructions for the next few weeks.  He can’t put any more than light toe touching on the ground.  The dogs have to stay outside because we can’t risk them jumping on him.  He has to take 5 different medicines at different intervals throughout the day.  As much sleeping as possible.  As little moving as possible.  And no showers.  Only sponge baths.  To which I have been volunteered. I can’t wait to take care of him.  I really can’t.  The only thing that bothers me… is that his hard-core “no this, no that” regime is in effect for 3 weeks.  I’m leaving in 2.  In fact, I fly out exactly a week from this very moment.  I don’t want to leave him.  I can’t leave him.

I started crying when I saw him for the first time after his surgery because he looked so helpeless and I knew that I can’t be here the whole time to take care of him.  More than anything in this world I want that.  But I know I can’t have it… and it sucks.

When we were walking in this morning.. we were just joking around and talking and I said “Ya know J, I’m actually very optimistic about our future. Seriously.” He just turned around and smiled.  About an hour later we were waiting on the nurse to come start his anesthetics and I mentioned something about his future kids getting his goofy gene and being a hand full.  He goes “Correction. Our kids.” Then just smiled at me… It was perfect.

Simply perfect.

I’m going home.

I’ve rewritten the first line to this blog at least 10 times… and I think that is a complete picture of what the inside of my head feels like right now. So if the blog doesn’t make much sense… I’m sorry.  I just want to get this out in the open.  I need to talk about this.  And seeing as my best friend is too wrapped up in her stupid boyfriend to talk and my mom hates J so she won’t listen…. and my brother is in Korea…. this is all I’ve got.

J and I just got in a fight.  As in a turn off the tv, yelling at each other, semi breaking up, relationship defining fight.  We were watching “I Know My Kids a Star” on VH1 which was probably a bad idea in the beginning but there was nothing else on and its raining so we couldn’t get out.  J has this thing about how he hates for parents to live their lives through their kids and push them too hard.  When one of the mom-child combos were eliminated, the mom kept telling the daughter that she was the best and that the judges must not have known what they were talking about, etc.  Whereas I didn’t see anything wrong with a little self esteem boost from the mom, J started getting really mad.  He started going on this rant about how you should never tell your kids that they are the best or better than anyone else because its putting them on a pedestal and they’ll stop working so hard.  I said that I didn’t agree and he started throwing all these questions at me and being really mean saying that I was stupid and I didn’t know what I was talking about. I started getting really offended that he was saying some of the things that he was saying.  I get that he doesn’t agree with me but I didn’t think that there was any reason to attack my mom and my personal character.  So I told him that it was clear that we weren’t going to agree so we should just drop it and I turned the television back on.  He kept sitting there pouting for about 15 minutes and even through me trying to lighten up the mood and make him laugh he kept sulking. So I turned the tv back off and asked him what was really wrong.  He said that I was right.  It was clear that we were never going to agree on anything to do with raising kids.  So therefore it was clear that we were never going to work out.  It didn’t matter that he loved almost every little thing about me- raising kids is a big deal.  And he feels that the ideals that I have when it comes to raising kids is “poison in the veins of a child”. So he got up- started packing his things- and left.  Without saying another word.

I held it together in front of him and put my stone face on but the moment the door slammed I lost it.  I haven’t cried that hard in a long time.  Its like the craziest rollercoaster in the world with J. The highs are record breaking highs and the lows nearly derail me. Its one of those coasters that the entire time you are at the top you’re anticipating the bottoms and at the bottoms you can’t see that you nearly crashed.. all you can see is that it will go up again.  But no matter where you are- you’re sick to your stomach and thinking that you want to get off right. now. but you also want to see how long the whole ride lasts and if it ever levels off.

I don’t get it.  J is not right for me.  I know this.  I know that he is an asshole and has horrible values and his sister is a freaking psychopath. I know that he’s mean and rude and doesn’t respect his elders.  I know that he doesn’t have many goals and is constantly contridicting himself.  I know that physically and stylishly he’s not my type.  I know that he never wants his daughter to be in pageants.  I know that he wants his kids to wake up at the crack of dawn to clean before school.  I know that he believes in harsh punishment.  I know that he yells too much.  I know that him calling me names shouldn’t be okay.  I know that he’s shady when it comes to the girls he talks to.  I know that him not being able to get past my past is a big deal.  I know that he has horrible taste in music and is annoyingly OCD when it comes to his stuff.  I know that he sometimes embarasses me in public and I know that he would be a good father but HORRIBLE dad. I know that he always has to be right and will not drop an argument until he thinks you believe he is right too. I know that our personalities don’t mix.  I know that him laughing at me shouldn’t be acceptable. I know he’s not perfect… far from it actually.  But I also know that I love him.  Why? Why? Why?

He’s not right for me and I know I could do better…. but I don’t want to.  I want J and its so frustrating that he is the way he is.  Maybe its because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel with him.  Maybe I’m still thinking of the guy that I met and fell in love with.  The one that put me on his shoulders at the beach so that I could see the turtle in the water- the one that told me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me- the one that said that he loved everything about me including my flaws- the one that couldn’t wait to get home to see me and the one that would look me in the eyes all the time and tell me that he couldn’t live without me. Maybe thats the guy that I can’t let go.  The one that made me think it was okay to get engaged after a month.  The one that made me forget about T.  When we broke off the engagement he said that he had went into some sort of trance and wasn’t really him when we met.  He said that he was on “auto-pilot”.  I thought it was a line.  Apparently it was a totally different person.

I want that person back.

I want to go home. Now.