Beautiful Imperfection.

Its amazing the amount of things that can happen when you aren’t paying attention.

In the past year, I moved, went back to school, got re-engaged, dropped back out of school, got in a wreck, got a new car, decided said new car was a junker, got married, got in another wreck, lost a best friend, gained a new best friend, lost my father, got married again, and am now awaiting another move in a week.

Today is December 22, 2008 and I have been legally married to my husband for nearly 3 months now even though we just had the wedding on the 18th. It was beautiful. Of course there were a few things that didn’t go perfectly but really that’s part of what made it so beautiful.

As I sit here at my new mother-in-law’s house and watch my husband sleep in his signature pose (mouth WIDE open), I can’t help but realize how lucky I am to find a match that fits me so well. No, he’s not perfect. But neither am I. We argue… we fight… we definitely disagree on some things… but all in all we are each other’s perfect balance.

Its odd to think about how one minor decision changed on either side could have altered everything. Now I couldn’t be more thankful for my past drinking problems and his failure to even show up to his classes.

Not only has my marital status changed, but so has my religious status. A self proclaimed atheist mere weeks ago, I’m ready to start believing there is a God again. I’m still not so sure about this Heaven and Hell stuff… but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no way that all of the things that happened to get me here writing this today could have happened without a little guidance from the giant puppeteer in the sky.

Also, if there were no God… then how could I feel my dad watching me right now as I type? I miss him. More than I thought I would, to be honest. I guess its the old saying that you never really know what you have until its gone. Yes, he made many many many mistakes and for a while I really and truly hated him for it. But it was another one of those things that had it not happened, my life would have been drastically different and I’m 100% positive that I wouldn’t be sitting here next to my prissy little puppy and snoozing husband.

Now, I’m about to head back off to Hawaii. The one thing that crosses my mind? How desperately I’m going to miss my mom. There are other people and things I’m going to miss here… but my mom. My mom has been my rock for so long and kept me grounded and heading in the right direction. She’s not perfect… but we’re developing the perfect balance in our relationship more and more everyday. Its so easy to take people for granted until they are taken away from you. I know that my mom will always be there for me… but its different when you are 4,000 miles away. I’ll just have to keep my promise of no babies until I’m back in the Continental so she can spoil them properly.

In a messy room… filled with dirty clothes, beer, game cords, not much money, but a whole lot of love… I must say that I am easily one of the luckiest people in the world.

The best 10 days- EVER.

I’m married.

True.

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I was/am scared shitless.

Yes, we are still having the wedding in December.

Justin went back to Hawaii today.  I’ve decided that instead of wallowing in self pity… I’m going to blog, work out (Since I gained like 8 lbs while he was here), help mom clean house (Since I live with her now…), then repack my room and get it all ready to put in the pod and ship off to our new home.

So happy thoughts.  Happy thoughts.

Highlights from the engagement party:

My cousin's baby showed me why I should invest in birth control. I don't like baby slobber... and they slobber a lot.

 

Yea... I was that happy with him here. We are just too freakin' cute. :-)

My mom likes pictures where you aren't looking at the camera.

Again... look over there!

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

I love him. My husband.

Randomosity.

 

He is so sweet to me....

What am I the Wizard of Oz? Need a brain? Need a heart? Here take mine.

I realize that I have been gone for far too long and that I perhaps have lost ALL of my regular readers… but honestly, that was a price that I was willing to pay. I had to make certain people forget that I had a blog. Hopefully it worked. Hopefully they don’t check this anymore. And again… hopefully I can get back to spilling things out like I was prior to my big outing. Because honestly- I need this blog. I need it as an outlet to let myself know that Im not as crazy as I feel. That there are other people out there that go through similar things. Writing in my journal over the past few weeks has helped a bit but not near as much as this was.

So back to where we left off- I’m honestly not sure where to begin… so much has happened in the past month that its been slightly EXTREMELY overwhelming. Guess that means only one thing. Bullet time.

• I bought a new car. 2005 Altima in a Charcoal Gray. Its so pretty and exactly what I wanted. I managed to flirt enough that they pushed me down to 7000 below internet price. I began to regret that flirting decision when the 40 something financial guy from Toyota started stalker calling me to go to Padrissimo (a Hispanic Dance Club) ANYWHO. The next morning after I took my perfect car home it started smoking. Long story short- I’ve been in a rental car for the past month as they put in a new engine.
• Rental Car. Right? That was smashed into a pole last weekend after I made a bad decision to go drink 3/4 of a fifth of Smirnoff and then go joy riding to my old sorority house. WHY?! Who knows… but I am so broke now that its not even funny. Its horrible to say but I am very very fortunate that is all that happened. Thank God there were no other cars involved nor the police. THAT would have been really bad. I am not hurt either. I didn’t even know that I had wrecked until the next morning. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky that it happened.. just fortunate that that was ALL that happened.
• Resulting Consequences? $500 paid to the rental company and the wreck go on my insurance. Fiance has prohibited drinking and “strongly discourages” me hanging out with my best guy friend from here. He said that if I touched another glass of alcohol until he thought I was ready that the wedding was off. Needless to say- I gave my roommate my alcohol and told her to have it drank before the end of the week or it was going down the drain. It was gone 2 nights later.
• J forgave me and we began to move on. Things were tight but we were making it. All we needed was to sell my car back in Hawaii and we were home free. 3 days after the accident Justin called and told me that my car was totaled. He had taken it to go show it to a chick in the military that was really interested and it wouldn’t start. He took it to the shop and they told him that the repairs would be about $2000… blown head gasket among other things… the car is only worth about $3000. So the best deal we could manage was to give it to someone that agreed to tow it off the mechanics lot for free.
• Oh, and did I mention that my alcoholic escapade, the wreck, the car not being able to be sold and my car tags being due all occurred within the same week and couple days?! Yea. BAD WEEK.
• Yea. I’m broke. I have School bills to pay that I was forced to put on my credit card. Thats a good $1300… now that the car didn’t sell I have to put my sales tax for my new car on my credit card as well which I’m anticipating to be about another $1000. Then somehow I need to buy Justin’s wedding band which is another $850ish. ANNNNNNNNNNNND we need to ship my car back to Hawaii in December which is $1500. ANNNNNNNNND we need to furnish our new house. Yea. Broke doesn’t QUITE describe that loads of crap I’m wading through.
• Solutions? I’m moving back in with the parentals until the wedding. Yes, its only 2 months but I still feel like a serious failure at life. I’m selling all my pageant paraphernalia on ebay. And signing my life away over to odd jobs. Earlier this week I babysat my demon half-siblings. And tomorrow I am pulling weeds for my mom and cleaning her resource room. BLEGH. NOT FUN. But you do what you have to do right?
• And here’s the real kicker and the thing that really is going to save or destroy everything. The top secret mission. Justin and I are getting married when he comes in town this weekend. As in going to the justice of the peace and signing the paperwork. I know this sounds silly considering we are so close to the actual wedding… but we both know that we are getting married and he gets paid an extra $2500ish a month for us being married. And obviously as you can see in the earlier bullets that we could really use that extra money. So thats how its going to save everything. It could seriously get destroyed though if my mother finds out. I’m doubting that she would be as obliged to pay for the wedding if she knew that the reason that there was the wedding was already taken care of. Now I thought this would be easy to hide from her until my father made a good point. Legal things are put in the paper as public record and there is nothing that you can do to get them out of there. All it would take is one of her nosy friends to be looking through there and then we would be screwed.
• OH and another thing. My laptop died. Like not the battery died. The computer itself is dead. Gone to a better place… dead. The screen refuses to come back on. I called a repair place to get a quote and he said about $250 I decided at that point that it was better to call it a loss and save up for a new MacBook when possible.
• My. World. Has. Been. A. Black. Hole. Of. Despair. Seriously. Black. Hole.

The only thing that has been bringing light into my life is knowing that I get to see J in LESS THAN FOUR DAYS!!!!! And I’ve recently become sucked into Twilight. I read the first two books in 3 days. I’m about three quarters ways through the last book. I fracking LOVE those books. I want to be a vampire and I want to make out with Edward Cullen. I’m going to find him. End of story.

It’s never safe to be nostalgic about something until you’re absolutely certain there’s no chance of its coming back.

I interrupt the regularly scheduled programming to bring you a blast from my past.

I realize I promised an awesome link post but I got caught up in buying a car. (Which I shall discuss later) But I’m almost done with the post…. so just keep checking back…. but until then-

I have to say that nostalgia has hit me hard.  As in… I miss everything.  

There’s a great quote that I found about nostalgia when I was looking for an appropriate title to this post- Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

I agree whole heartedly.  Right at the end of freshman year my BFF and I made videos commemorating our year. I mean Lets get real- my freshman year sucked…. I was drunk 85% of the time, I got my heart broken, I failed all my classes, had many nights that I’d rather forget and then some I wished I remembered.  But every time I look back at these videos, I can’t help but want to go back and call all of the old gang and get wasted and remember all those crazy times. 

My two best friends in the entire world from that year and I don’t even speak anymore…. its sad to look at these videos plastered with pictures of us and then realize that they aren’t there anymore. Its weird to see how someone who is such a huge part of your life can be non-existent in it in a matter of a few weeks. 

But.  I’m getting married.  And I couldn’t be happier. Everything that I’ve done and experienced has lead me to this point and I am so happy that I’m moving on with an amazing person.  Just today there is that little thing in the back of my head that longs for being a child again so I don’t have to worry about bills or the future.  All that mattered was right then, the cutest guy in the room and how much was in my flask. 

What about those videos that BFF and I made?  Well I’m glad you asked.

I’m coming out of the closet.

I feel like I’m just beginning again.  Indeed, Hello World. :-)

My name is Danielle and I am a junior at the University of Arkansas- Main Campus.

I am a Pi Beta Phi alumni. Balfour cup chapter, biiiiiiitches!

I have decided that my anonymous blog will no longer anonymous.  Actually, It wasn’t so much my decision really… more like a “Ahh Shoots!” moment.  My ex/boyfriend/fiance/best friend/love (??) found my blog and read a post and knew it was me.  My mom was looking through blogs and found this one and knew it was me. So apparently I’m not mysterious enough to be anonymous. Therefore- I have decided that since the two most important people in my life know that Last Year’s Queen is me…. that I might as well let the rest of the world know too.

What the worst that can happen… right? Right.  Optimism.  Optimism. Optimism.

Oh and don’t think that this will make me talk less crap about people…. including J and my dear mother.  Because I’ve forewarned both of them that I know all and see all and will hunt them down and smash their computers into tiny pieces if they read.

That being said- Yay for names and faces!

Super Top Secret Moment…. Mr. Addictive on my blogroll=J. Check out his page and boost his stats :-) I like when he’s happy.

Stress has consumed my body completely.

The past few days I’ve been trying to get my things together to leave but have been failing miserably.  How did I get all this junk over here from AR in the first place?!

I’m done with work.  Got leid. My boss asked me to marry him when we went out to lunch. Part of me thinks he wasn’t joking.

I realize that my friends are excited to have me back. But if I have to explain that I’m not the same drunken mess that I used to be, only to have them retort back- “Oh.  I’m sure you’ll fall right back into it when you get home.” I’m going to hurt myself.  Thanks for the support buddies.

J is still reeling from his surgery.  He can finally get up on his own and shower himself which is good but since he’s still on the crutches he can’t really carry anything.  I don’t know what he’s going to do when I’m gone and can’t help him.

Continuing with that… he keeps asking me to stay.  And it gets harder and harder to say no each time. I have been coming home for lunch so I could get him something to eat and drink and make sure he’s okay.  I didn’t get to yesterday and he said that I was gone too long and that he missed me.  Then I counted up the months… and we have a good 7 months starting Friday that we won’t get to see each other.

I don’t think that it has set in that I’m really moving… as in…. I’m leaving Hawaii for good.  You ever notice that no matter how bad something seems… it always gets exponentially better right before you plan on leaving?

I’ve been trying to sell my car.  It would be that literally THE DAY that I put it on craigslist that something goes horribly wrong.  The car hardly starts… and when it does you will be driving and the whole dash will just shut off.  The car itself will run fine but the odometer and everything will just stop for about 10-15 seconds.  I had it listed at $3800…. some guy offered me $1800. Really…? No.  So after changing the stupid flat tire… I may have to change the stupid bad battery too.  I totally planned on spending $250 on the piece o’crap car right before I left.  Totally.

——————————-
Less stress filled topic- more search terms.
“Where college BOYS should stay in Waikiki” followed immediately by “gay Waikiki”……..Scout it.

Dr. Queen the Medicine Woman

I hope I’m not the only one who thought my title was clever.

J had knee surgery today. I took the day off so I could be there for him and take care of him.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 this morning. I got to stay with him in the waiting room until 7:30 when they wheeled him away to get his knee all cut up. I stayed in the waiting room and read and played on my phone until 11.  At that point the doctor came and told me that everything went great and they think that the surgery will fix all of his problems.  Half an hour and then I could go see him.  I was so excited.  Until 11:45 came and no one had come to get me.  And then 12:30.  And then 1:30.  FINALLY at 2, I saw them wheel J over to the window so he could point me out and we could go to the “wake up” phase of surgery where they just make sure everything is going okay for a few minutes and then tell us what to expect for the next few weeks. J couldn’t stay awake so we had to stay there a bit longer than normal…. but by 3:00 they decided that I could take him home.

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to… talk myself out of wanting him I guess.  I’ve been trying to tell myself that when I go home its no big deal that if it works out then thats fine but if it doesn’t then thats fine too.  But its not.  I’ve come to realize that I want to be with J now more than ever.  Being the incredibly flirtacious person that I am… its amazing that I just don’t care to flirt anymore.  I don’t care.  I don’t need another man’s attention.  I want his.

Today while I was waiting for the doctor to come tell me he was okay, I was on edge.  I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a couple minutes… I wanted to know how he was.  I needed to know how he was.  I guess I didn’t realize just how deep my affection for him goes until today.  When the doctor finally came to say that he was okay I couldn’t contain myself… then she opened the door and goes “Mrs.J??” I jumped up.  It was me.  I am Mrs. J.  I know that that is how its supposed to be.  I’ve always been the anti-relationship girl because I wanted to keep my options open.  Now I only want one option.

The nurse gave me the instructions for the next few weeks.  He can’t put any more than light toe touching on the ground.  The dogs have to stay outside because we can’t risk them jumping on him.  He has to take 5 different medicines at different intervals throughout the day.  As much sleeping as possible.  As little moving as possible.  And no showers.  Only sponge baths.  To which I have been volunteered. I can’t wait to take care of him.  I really can’t.  The only thing that bothers me… is that his hard-core “no this, no that” regime is in effect for 3 weeks.  I’m leaving in 2.  In fact, I fly out exactly a week from this very moment.  I don’t want to leave him.  I can’t leave him.

I started crying when I saw him for the first time after his surgery because he looked so helpeless and I knew that I can’t be here the whole time to take care of him.  More than anything in this world I want that.  But I know I can’t have it… and it sucks.

When we were walking in this morning.. we were just joking around and talking and I said “Ya know J, I’m actually very optimistic about our future. Seriously.” He just turned around and smiled.  About an hour later we were waiting on the nurse to come start his anesthetics and I mentioned something about his future kids getting his goofy gene and being a hand full.  He goes “Correction. Our kids.” Then just smiled at me… It was perfect.

Simply perfect.

EVERYONE FEAST!!

Anyone notice how everything either is a feast or a famine? Like in almost all aspects of life? Most of the time at the same freaking time?

My life is a feast right now. Some feats are GREAT… others are similar to raw sewage.

All month I was sitting at my desk playing on the computer because I had zero work to do.  SInce I told them I was leaving though, they’ve decided to do a little Spring cleaning… in the form of having me digitally archive every file since they opened.  We’re talking every single file of each house they’ve sold since 2003 needs to be scanned and archived.  I got through M-Z of 2005 today.  Every 2 or 3 pages something gets stuck in the copier and I have to fix it.  I’ve had the most ridiculous headache since I woke up this morning just from the anticipation of scanning more files. I’m going to die from this. Like maybe literally.  Theres no way I’m going to be able to get them done before I leave. That my job “feast”

NEXT, T called last night and he’s doing one of his pop up routines. Pulled the whole “J isn’t good for you and you know it.  And you’re amazing and you mean a lot to me and I miss you. I can’t wait for you to get back.  I want to bone you. Blah blah blah… I’m going to make you feel like a Princess for a month or so until you ruin any other relationship prospects and then I’m going to disappear like I always do.” Yea.  One of those.  And J is being amazing… telling me that he’s been re-thinking the whole “us” idea… and that he thinks that things will work out and he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me and all that jazz.  AND THEN LA Lawyer messaged me and that was just great as usual.  So theres a feast of boys.

And then there’s the whole lack of money feast.  Do you know how expensive it is to fly from Honolulu to Tulsa!?  I’ll tell you how expensive… $730 one-way.  Then I’ve got to pay for my puppy to fly… thats $300. And I have a flat tire.  And I need to go get groceries.  And I need to go get moving materials.  And Bubba’s friend decided not to buy my bed… and no one wants to buy my car.  And I need to buy stuff for my apartment. And I need to pay first month’s rent… and I need to buy a new car. LACK OF FREAKING MONEY!!

Feasts aren’t always good….

Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously.

I started reading “Stupid and Contagious” by Caprice Crane yesterday which just so happens to be an AMAZING book so far. I’ll go more into that when I finish it but what I mean to talk about is that there seemed to be a reoccurring theme in my day.

The theme was choices and how they shape every. single. little. moment. of your life. There was an excerpt from the book where Brady was talking about how every little thing that he did had led up to his recent ex and how had one little tiny little thing changed that he probably would not have met her.  Then when I was watching Greek (which was a phenomenal episode) they were going back in the past and showing how that little choices led to bigger choices which led to huge moments in time that changed Everything.

Then I got to thinking about how little things have changed my life so drastically. Its crazy how you take little to no time to make some decisions which in retrospect could be the most important moment in your life.  For instance, had you not worn a certain color dress to a party maybe that guy wouldn’t have noticed you and then the first and subsequent second, third, fourth, etc dates wouldn’t have occurred.  Then where would you be had you never met him?

For me, it was what if I hadn’t started drinking after high school?- Would T and I still be together? Would I be in Hawaii?…. What if I had gone to Baylor like I had originally planned?- Who would I have met? How would things be different?…. What if I had pledged the other sorority that I went to on pref night?- Who would have been my partner in crime? Would I have even had one? What secrets would I have learned?… What if J and I had slowed things down from the very beginning?- Would we still be together?  What would our relationship be like now?

Its crazy when you realize that small decisions make such a huge impact on every moment in your life.  I skipped the gym yesterday because my stomach was upset- If I would have went, would I have met someone? Would I have hurt myself? Little things like that where you don’t really think it makes a difference could have been a defining moment in the master plan of your life.

Even if you choose to not make a choice- that in itself is a choice. Its crazy to think about.

I know its dumb to think about so much and it does nothing to think about the what ifs but its kind of cool to think that each day you are making monumental decisions that define your life and where you will be in a week… month… a year… and even ten years.

Part of me thinks that everyone holds the key to their own destiny and each choice is consciously made and leads you on one path or another to a future that you are shaping with each moment.  However on the other hand, part of me wants to believe in destiny. That each decision kind of tricks you into thinking that you made it on your own.  But that each person has a predetermined destiny and future.  Kind of the idea that although smaller decisions may change,  they are completely linked into one large cosmic maze that ultimately has only one exit.

Interesting.  Very interesting.

All things positive

Today when I was looking at my dashboard I saw that someone had found my site using “I love him, but he doesn’t love me back”… at that point I decided that this blog has taken a nasty turn towards Feel-Sorry-For-Myself-Ville. Ya know, right next to SelfLoathing Town?  Therefore, today’s post is going to be dedicated to all the positive things I have going on in my life.

1. I lost another 2 lbs.  That makes 24 since J and I broke up in December. Only 16 until I’m perfectly happy with my body. I’m hoping to get 10 of those off before I go back home in a month and 4 days.
2. My BFF called me for the first time in a month or so.  I swear we’re soul mates. She just knew.
3. After I blogged yesterday and was still feeling sorry for myself and still crying, my beautiful puppy walked up to me laying on the couch and literally licked all my tears away. I love him. Introducing my little BoBo-
   
4. Greek comes on tonight.  That always makes me smile. I swear if I have to watch MY Scott Michael Foster make out with Rebecca Logan one more time though… Ha.
5. I have A LOT of money in my checking account… and since I am no longer taking J skydiving before I leave, I’m thinking that I should buy myself something pretty.
6. I have a job lined up as a personal assistant when I get home.  Woot woot!
7. LA Lawyer emailed again.  Since I’m flying home with my puppy, I am going to make a short trip out there sometime this summer when he’s available.  All expenses on him. :-)
8. Not having to hang out with J on the weekends means that I get to go to the beach and show off my 24 pounds skinnier body and sexy swimsuits I bought a few weeks ago (that I have yet to be able to wear because he refuses to go to the beach because hes “too white and fat”).
9. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow and since I’m not in the states I’m not obligated to go see him!
10. I get to go flirt with the cute guys that work at the gym in about 10 mintues :-)

See… life is good. I just forget sometimes.
Oh and if you’re having issues finding a reason to smile today.  Watch this video- if you don’t laugh, you aren’t human.