Write Down Every Little Thing That Makes You Love Me.

I was driving around yesterday with the windows down, music up, just loving life.  Then this song came on the radio.

It gets so easy to get in a slump when you’re in a long term relationship. To forget why you’re in the relationship in the first place or to just lose that luster and passion.  So to prevent that… I’m going to make a list and challenge you to do the same.  Make a list of all the reasons why you love the person you love. And when you feel like giving up or not care anymore… read it. Remind yourself.

I love my husband because…
… he’s my best friend.
… he doesn’t know the artificial me.
… he loves me.
… he genuinely cares about my feelings.
… he knows when I’m upset before I even say anything.
… he lets me be free.
… he gets just jealous enough to show he cares but doesn’t go over board.
… he helps me not worry so much.
… he is ambitious.
… he is honest.
… he would give me the world if he could.
… he kisses me in the morning even though I have morning breath.
… by marrying me he gave me awesome in-laws.
… he’s sweet.
… he’s thoughtful.
… his cartoon voices make me laugh no matter what.
… he saved me from an addiction.
… he didn’t let me get away.
… he apologizes when he knows he’s wrong.
… his main goal in life is to make me happy.
… he calls me just to say he loves me even though he’ll be home in 5 minutes.
… he buys video games that he doesn’t like because he knows I will like them.
… he wants to be neat me.
… he loves dogs.
… he wants to be an amazing father.
… he’s secure in himself and his dreams.
… he encourages me to do things I love.
… he speaks his mind.
… he wants the best for himself and his family.
… he’s smart.
… he is a wonderful cook.
… he’s the funniest person I know.
… he doesn’t stay mad for long.
… he wants me to be involved in every part of his life.
… he’s independent.
… he lets me be me.
… he’s ridiculously handsome.
… he’s my soulmate.
… he gives me so many reasons to love him that I don’t have time or energy to name them all.

Photo by Miles Witt Boyer

What am I the Wizard of Oz? Need a brain? Need a heart? Here take mine.

I realize that I have been gone for far too long and that I perhaps have lost ALL of my regular readers… but honestly, that was a price that I was willing to pay. I had to make certain people forget that I had a blog. Hopefully it worked. Hopefully they don’t check this anymore. And again… hopefully I can get back to spilling things out like I was prior to my big outing. Because honestly- I need this blog. I need it as an outlet to let myself know that Im not as crazy as I feel. That there are other people out there that go through similar things. Writing in my journal over the past few weeks has helped a bit but not near as much as this was.

So back to where we left off- I’m honestly not sure where to begin… so much has happened in the past month that its been slightly EXTREMELY overwhelming. Guess that means only one thing. Bullet time.

• I bought a new car. 2005 Altima in a Charcoal Gray. Its so pretty and exactly what I wanted. I managed to flirt enough that they pushed me down to 7000 below internet price. I began to regret that flirting decision when the 40 something financial guy from Toyota started stalker calling me to go to Padrissimo (a Hispanic Dance Club) ANYWHO. The next morning after I took my perfect car home it started smoking. Long story short- I’ve been in a rental car for the past month as they put in a new engine.
• Rental Car. Right? That was smashed into a pole last weekend after I made a bad decision to go drink 3/4 of a fifth of Smirnoff and then go joy riding to my old sorority house. WHY?! Who knows… but I am so broke now that its not even funny. Its horrible to say but I am very very fortunate that is all that happened. Thank God there were no other cars involved nor the police. THAT would have been really bad. I am not hurt either. I didn’t even know that I had wrecked until the next morning. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky that it happened.. just fortunate that that was ALL that happened.
• Resulting Consequences? $500 paid to the rental company and the wreck go on my insurance. Fiance has prohibited drinking and “strongly discourages” me hanging out with my best guy friend from here. He said that if I touched another glass of alcohol until he thought I was ready that the wedding was off. Needless to say- I gave my roommate my alcohol and told her to have it drank before the end of the week or it was going down the drain. It was gone 2 nights later.
• J forgave me and we began to move on. Things were tight but we were making it. All we needed was to sell my car back in Hawaii and we were home free. 3 days after the accident Justin called and told me that my car was totaled. He had taken it to go show it to a chick in the military that was really interested and it wouldn’t start. He took it to the shop and they told him that the repairs would be about $2000… blown head gasket among other things… the car is only worth about $3000. So the best deal we could manage was to give it to someone that agreed to tow it off the mechanics lot for free.
• Oh, and did I mention that my alcoholic escapade, the wreck, the car not being able to be sold and my car tags being due all occurred within the same week and couple days?! Yea. BAD WEEK.
• Yea. I’m broke. I have School bills to pay that I was forced to put on my credit card. Thats a good $1300… now that the car didn’t sell I have to put my sales tax for my new car on my credit card as well which I’m anticipating to be about another $1000. Then somehow I need to buy Justin’s wedding band which is another $850ish. ANNNNNNNNNNNND we need to ship my car back to Hawaii in December which is $1500. ANNNNNNNNND we need to furnish our new house. Yea. Broke doesn’t QUITE describe that loads of crap I’m wading through.
• Solutions? I’m moving back in with the parentals until the wedding. Yes, its only 2 months but I still feel like a serious failure at life. I’m selling all my pageant paraphernalia on ebay. And signing my life away over to odd jobs. Earlier this week I babysat my demon half-siblings. And tomorrow I am pulling weeds for my mom and cleaning her resource room. BLEGH. NOT FUN. But you do what you have to do right?
• And here’s the real kicker and the thing that really is going to save or destroy everything. The top secret mission. Justin and I are getting married when he comes in town this weekend. As in going to the justice of the peace and signing the paperwork. I know this sounds silly considering we are so close to the actual wedding… but we both know that we are getting married and he gets paid an extra $2500ish a month for us being married. And obviously as you can see in the earlier bullets that we could really use that extra money. So thats how its going to save everything. It could seriously get destroyed though if my mother finds out. I’m doubting that she would be as obliged to pay for the wedding if she knew that the reason that there was the wedding was already taken care of. Now I thought this would be easy to hide from her until my father made a good point. Legal things are put in the paper as public record and there is nothing that you can do to get them out of there. All it would take is one of her nosy friends to be looking through there and then we would be screwed.
• OH and another thing. My laptop died. Like not the battery died. The computer itself is dead. Gone to a better place… dead. The screen refuses to come back on. I called a repair place to get a quote and he said about $250 I decided at that point that it was better to call it a loss and save up for a new MacBook when possible.
• My. World. Has. Been. A. Black. Hole. Of. Despair. Seriously. Black. Hole.

The only thing that has been bringing light into my life is knowing that I get to see J in LESS THAN FOUR DAYS!!!!! And I’ve recently become sucked into Twilight. I read the first two books in 3 days. I’m about three quarters ways through the last book. I fracking LOVE those books. I want to be a vampire and I want to make out with Edward Cullen. I’m going to find him. End of story.

A Multitude of Happenings.

• T and I had lunch a couple days ago.  And it went perfectly.  Just as I hoped it would have.  Of course it was natural to want to flirt but other than that there was nothing.  I. Felt. Nothing.  And it was perfect.  We argued a lot because he doesn’t think that J is good enough for me…. but I assured him that I really didn’t care what he thought and that I was a big girl and I could do whatever I wanted.  I was amazed that I didn’t care to call him that night and overanalyze the entire situation.  I was amazed that when I told him he was stupid for dating a married woman and he got mad that I felt no need to apologize and grovel for forgiveness. I was amazed that when he left, a hug was sufficient.  I was amazed that all I could think about while sitting with him was J and how I couldn’t wait to see him again.
• I’ve been back in Arkansas for about 3 weeks now and have yet to have an alcoholic drink besides the couple beers I had with J.  I’m more proud of myself than I think people even realize. HOWEVER, I am pretty dang tired of my roommate already.  Its 12:30 in the morning… I have class at 730… and there is a party going on in my living room.  Amazing how 3 jello shots and one mixed drink will have you wasted in a matter of… ohhhh…. 15 minutes?  Crazy.  Someone please shoot me.
• My Fazzha called today and told me that he was sick and needed me to come and babysit my twin siblings. (Translation: “Daughter, I’m out of drugs and my surgery recovery time is up.  Time to find something else that makes me sick for 8-10 months.  Come over so I look legit.”) I’m so tired of it.  Thats a WHOLE nother ball game though… Maybe I’ll muster up the energy to release my daddy issues on everyone this weekened sometime… not right now though.  I’m too in the moment to be level headed about it.  But I’m not sure that after 15 years of being in the moment, that I’ll be able to take myself out of it.  I just wish he would man up and quit being such a dick head.
• J…. ahhhh J….. I’m sticking to my theory that he is one of the more complicated men in this world.  I love him dearly but I can’t understand him worth anything.  One minute he’s lovey dovey and wants to elope because he can’t stand to be away from me and the next he’s saying that he refuses to get married until I’ve graduated.  I just really don’t know what to do.  I guess my only option is to just wait…
• I got a job today :-) Finally! I’m going to be working at a tanning place in town.  Its not the best money in the world but it’ll do for now.
• Oh!  And I’ve also started working out again everyday.  J won’t see me again until December and I want to make sure that I look better than ever :-)

A weekend full of bullets. (not literally… literary)

• If I have ONE more dream about television I may be forced to with go watching it for a couple weeks.  This time I dreamed I was one of Hef’s girlfriends… I love me some Girls Next Door.
• I played Wii for like 2 hours a day Saturday and Sunday… I can’t decide if I’m just a lot more out of shape than I had originally thought or if playing the wii is just that good of a work out.  Either way- I breathe and I feel every muscle in my back and I can’t straighten my arms out completely.  I haven’t been this sore in FOREVER.
• Saturday was J’s dad’s death day… 9 years.  Pretty crazy….
• J and I went to go see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last weekend.  So OBVIOUSLY this weekend was filled to the brim with the unforgetable scene “I’ve got a surprise for you!” while I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe. Ever notice how a naked girl is sexy and a naked guy is funny?  Haha
• I figured out how to get all the photos off my iPhone.  It was a magnificent moment of clarity. 4 months of attempts… concluding with SUCCESS! See a few examples of my world below.
  
  WHAT THE EFF IS ON THAT GUY’S HEAD?! I’ll tell you what… lots of tiny rubber bands.  Guy- You looked like such a douche bag that I had to take a picture of you.  Color coordinating your hair ties with your t-shirt= NOT COOL.
  
  OMG.  Hahahaha J found a tattoo in his poptart box so I convinced him that ass tattoos are exponentially cooler than upper arm tattoos.  TO THE MOOOOON!
  
  Alright alright alright… Hawaii doesn’t suck all the time.
  
  In fact sometimes… its quite pretty.
• I had the CRAZIEST dream… I was going to prom with the most random people in the world.  My date was this guy that I knew in high school but never once talked to.  The whole day before prom I had this power to “fix” whatever I wanted.  Almost like I had unlimited wishes.  All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine what I had was what I wanted and when I opened my eyes, it would be changed. I thought this was a great insight on how I’ve been feeling lately.  So while I was driving around earlier in the day I wished that my water was a delicious shake that was good for me.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my dress was designer.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my date was hotter.  And then he was.  Then I wished that I had the most perfect smokey eye look.  And then I did. By the end of my dream though, no one wanted to go to prom so it didn’t matter what my dress looked like or my make up.  Random… but neat I guess.  I wish I had that power. That’d be BA.

All things positive

Today when I was looking at my dashboard I saw that someone had found my site using “I love him, but he doesn’t love me back”… at that point I decided that this blog has taken a nasty turn towards Feel-Sorry-For-Myself-Ville. Ya know, right next to SelfLoathing Town?  Therefore, today’s post is going to be dedicated to all the positive things I have going on in my life.

1. I lost another 2 lbs.  That makes 24 since J and I broke up in December. Only 16 until I’m perfectly happy with my body. I’m hoping to get 10 of those off before I go back home in a month and 4 days.
2. My BFF called me for the first time in a month or so.  I swear we’re soul mates. She just knew.
3. After I blogged yesterday and was still feeling sorry for myself and still crying, my beautiful puppy walked up to me laying on the couch and literally licked all my tears away. I love him. Introducing my little BoBo-
   
4. Greek comes on tonight.  That always makes me smile. I swear if I have to watch MY Scott Michael Foster make out with Rebecca Logan one more time though… Ha.
5. I have A LOT of money in my checking account… and since I am no longer taking J skydiving before I leave, I’m thinking that I should buy myself something pretty.
6. I have a job lined up as a personal assistant when I get home.  Woot woot!
7. LA Lawyer emailed again.  Since I’m flying home with my puppy, I am going to make a short trip out there sometime this summer when he’s available.  All expenses on him. :-)
8. Not having to hang out with J on the weekends means that I get to go to the beach and show off my 24 pounds skinnier body and sexy swimsuits I bought a few weeks ago (that I have yet to be able to wear because he refuses to go to the beach because hes “too white and fat”).
9. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow and since I’m not in the states I’m not obligated to go see him!
10. I get to go flirt with the cute guys that work at the gym in about 10 mintues :-)

See… life is good. I just forget sometimes.
Oh and if you’re having issues finding a reason to smile today.  Watch this video- if you don’t laugh, you aren’t human.

8,789 Words of Wisdom.

A little bit ago, I took a mental health day from work and went by Barnes & Noble. I got this cute little book of quotes and proverbs called “8,789 Words of Wisdom.” I’m only on page 65 of 618 but I’m okay with that because I feel like its one of those books that you should only pick up when you really need it.  That being said, I feel like I’ve been in a bitchy rut for the past week.  (I blame the female body… but whatev.)  So I thought I would share a few that really punched me in the gut today.

Don’t try to change what can’t be changed.
Love for the joy of loving.
The mind can make things better or worse than they actually are.
Become the moment.
Difficult and painful times should make you better, not bitter.
True love will find a way.
Remember to live.
Stop disappointing yourself.
A day lost is never found.
What is impossible to change is best to forget.
The most important words we say are those to ourselves, about ourselves.
Get it in writing.
Love is about acceptance.
Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Forgive your parents.
Grief does not change a thing.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Its all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.
Understand that life is not fair.
Begin each day with your favorite music.
Follow love and it will flee, flee love and it will follow.

** Side Note** My post today reminds me of this really cool song-

Inspiration

My blogging “mentor” had a really great post today. (By the way- chances are you found me through her site… but if not GO CHECK HER OUT NOW.  She’s really cool.) But anywho- I thought that I would follow suit and write about things that I sometimes do/think/feel.

Sometimes…

… I drink so that I can say things I want to say and if it doesn’t go over well, blame it on the alcohol.

… I want to move to a different state without telling anyone so I can start completely over with a brand new identity.

… I flirt so that the guy that I know is crushing on me will stay hooked, even if I’m totally not interested.

… I wish I would break my leg so I’d have an excuse to be lazy.

… I dance naked in front of the mirror to just the tunes in my head.

… I look up at the stars and feel so insignificant that I wonder if anyone cares.

… I go to church and argue with myself the entire hour because I feel guilty for what I was doing the night before.

… I think I am way more good looking than I actually am.

… I don’t give myself enough credit.

… I think that J and I didn’t move too fast, it was just a test in our relationship that he couldn’t handle.

… I want to slam my car into the car in front of me for no reason at all.

… I think about making an audition tape for the Real World- then I realize I’m not confrontational enough to get on.

… I lie to people because I’m ashamed of my past.

… I question my ability to succeed.

… I’m perfectly okay with the status quo and see no reason to keep trying new things.

… I wonder what my life would be like had I stayed in Arkansas.

… I wonder if I should give up on guys.

… I think working out is a waste of time.

… I want to buy risque lingerie to wear for no one in particular.

… I drive to Taco Bell just to talk myself out of it the moment I get in the drive thru.

… I dial J or Ts number to hang up as soon as it rings the first time and when they call back, pretend that I didn’t call them.

… I think I’m too picky in my taste of men.

… I get nervous and completely forget the name/ breed of my dog when a cute guy asks me.  (Not that that just happened.)

… I say I am 23 when I’m really not. (That didn’t just happen either.)

… I feel so alive and full of life that I smile for no reason at all.

… I feel so dead inside that I can’t muster up the energy to get out of bed.

… I worry about the future far more than I should.

… I forget to live for today.

… I’m way too dramatic over the little things.

… I drink to null emotions.

…  I cry during songs that hit home.

… I cry for no reason at all other than it feels good.

… I wish I was still naive about the way the world works.

… My hormones go CRAZY and I snap at the people I love for no reason.

… I wish I could be one of those people who don’t care about fashion and beauty.

… I cook J dinner, just so that he’ll want to come over and see me.

… I watch movies multiple times in a row, and love it each time.

… I watch the Disney Channel. Hannah Montana rocks. Wizards of Waverly Place? So good. Suite Life of Zach and Cody? GREAT.

… I feel like my head is going to explode with all the thoughts that just won’t leave.

… I’ll drink an entire gallon of milk in one day.

… I’m so organized that it nearly becomes unorganized.

… I make To-Do Lists for my week and schedule out exact times for showering, eating, calling my mom, brushing my teeth, etc. and get frustrated if I don’t follow them to the minute even if my scheduled “free time” is right after.

…  I’ll check my email 10+ times a day. Knowing that theres only a select 5 or so people who even know about that email.

… I’ll write my first name and J’s last name together as many times as it takes to get my new signature perfect.

… I can’t so no when people ask for my number, so I usually give them my email.

… I want to jump into the future.

… I realize that I’m at where I’m at for a reason.