Okay Universe, I get it.

Lo siento for my hiatus this past week.  I have been trying to spend every single waking moment with J.  Yesterday morning, I went with his family to take him to the airport. So naturally, yesterday was “crying day” where I just wallowed in self pity until I literally couldn’t cry anymore.  And today I’m back.  Actually its like 4 in the morning… I just woke up to talk to J via webcam when he got back to his barracks.  And decided while I’m up and still don’t have cable in my apartment I should get back to the blog of it.

So, yea.. again yesterday= crying/wallow in self pity day. It seemed like every freaking where I looked I saw Hawaii.  I took some boxes to the dumpster…. on my way there I got to pass a couple more buildings.  One of which had a huge ass “I Love Hawaii” beach towel hanging from the banister.  I literally yelled “F*ck You” to the people whose apartment it was and started crying.  They were sitting on the balcony and probably really confused.  Then I was laying down watching Ever After and I got to thinking- Drew Barrymore stars in the movie…. she also starred in “50 First Dates” which was filmed in Hawaii. Okay I’m kind of pulling a “The Number 23.”  But still it just seemed like Hawaii was following me all day yesterday.

Now I’m here.  In my apartment.  Laying in bed.  All alone.  J laid in this same bed with me just two nights ago.  Sucks.

Stress has consumed my body completely.

The past few days I’ve been trying to get my things together to leave but have been failing miserably.  How did I get all this junk over here from AR in the first place?!

I’m done with work.  Got leid. My boss asked me to marry him when we went out to lunch. Part of me thinks he wasn’t joking.

I realize that my friends are excited to have me back. But if I have to explain that I’m not the same drunken mess that I used to be, only to have them retort back- “Oh.  I’m sure you’ll fall right back into it when you get home.” I’m going to hurt myself.  Thanks for the support buddies.

J is still reeling from his surgery.  He can finally get up on his own and shower himself which is good but since he’s still on the crutches he can’t really carry anything.  I don’t know what he’s going to do when I’m gone and can’t help him.

Continuing with that… he keeps asking me to stay.  And it gets harder and harder to say no each time. I have been coming home for lunch so I could get him something to eat and drink and make sure he’s okay.  I didn’t get to yesterday and he said that I was gone too long and that he missed me.  Then I counted up the months… and we have a good 7 months starting Friday that we won’t get to see each other.

I don’t think that it has set in that I’m really moving… as in…. I’m leaving Hawaii for good.  You ever notice that no matter how bad something seems… it always gets exponentially better right before you plan on leaving?

I’ve been trying to sell my car.  It would be that literally THE DAY that I put it on craigslist that something goes horribly wrong.  The car hardly starts… and when it does you will be driving and the whole dash will just shut off.  The car itself will run fine but the odometer and everything will just stop for about 10-15 seconds.  I had it listed at $3800…. some guy offered me $1800. Really…? No.  So after changing the stupid flat tire… I may have to change the stupid bad battery too.  I totally planned on spending $250 on the piece o’crap car right before I left.  Totally.

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Less stress filled topic- more search terms.
“Where college BOYS should stay in Waikiki” followed immediately by “gay Waikiki”……..Scout it.

Lost in Translation

Pre-story: The real estate office that I work with has been entertaining an investor from Bulgaria. He’s super duper rich and is one of the top 10 builders in the entire nation of Bulgaria. He LOVES his mother land and is VERY European. As in, the first time I met him he was wearing booty shorts that I’m not even brave enough to wear. His name is Milen (Pronounced Mee-lan).

Milen: (Points at me) She no Hawaiian no?
CoWorker: No, Milen. She is from Arkansas. She is American.
Milen: Where is this Arkansas (Pronounced: Ar-can-sass)?
Me: Southern America
Milen: (shrug)
Me: By Texas.
Milen: Ahhhh! Texas! I know Texas! I fly with people from Texas. They no smell nice. Smell like no have shower for week.
Me: Haha… well some people probably don’t shower that much.
Milen: No all Texas people no smell good. Smell like dirty shower. I no say you smell no good. Texas people smell no good.

Next Day

Me: Hi Milen! How are you?
Milen: (Moves mere inches from my face) I’m doing good. How is you?
Me: I’m doing great, Thanks. You smell nice. (He really did… )
Milen: Oh! I no smell like I form Texas no?
Me: Hah… you smell good. Better than Texas people.
Milen: You like my smell?
Me: Yes I do. Its very nice.
Milen: I don’t know if I smell Texas people or their villages. Texas get around on horse no?
Me: I’m sorry?
Milen: Texas people go on horse from village to village no?
Me: Absolutely… I wish we had cars there. It’d make things a lot easier.
Milen: How big Arkansas city?
Me: Oh… about half a million.
Milen: That all? That small. Where is Arkansas City by?
Me: Um… Its by Dallas.
Milen: Oh! Dallas. Dallas pretty but no smell good.

The Day After that my boss told me that while they were at dinner Milen asked if he thought I would “make sex” with him. He wanted me to go back to Bulgaria with him and be ONE of his girlfriends. Someone asked how he got referred to such a small real estate company. Our loan officer’s mom does his hair plugs.…

Dear People of Oahu,

It is NOT okay to let your 2-5 year olds hang out in empty parking lots by themselves.  I don’t care if you live in the apartments right next to the parking lot.  It is a YOUNG CHILD walking around without supervision.  Do y’all remember the 2 year old that was thrown from the overpass onto the freeway?! Do you realize that could have been anyone’s child?  Including yours! Wise up.  Watch your children.  Its not hard.

Pregnancy is beautiful. Absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.  UNTIL you wear a belly shirt and booty shorts so that you can show off your marijuana plant tattoo on your abdomen.  Nice. (I thought about taking a discrete picture with my phone when I saw this but decided pregnant or not she could kick my ass…)

Why do you vandalize everything?  I mean legit everything.  CompUSA has been closed like a month and you can barely tell that it was painted white at one point.  Its ridiculous.  Since when is spray painting stuff is bad hand writing cool?  And why didn’t anyone tell me when this crossed over from seriously skanky?

Why do you all suck at driving?  If you are EXACTLY even with my car on the road… chances are I can not see your turn signal.  It DOES NOT HELP matters when you decided that since I haven’t let you in front of me, to go ahead and start moving in my lane.  When I’m still EXACTLY even with you. Tell me what logic this makes.  I will hunt you down.

Just so you know- the red, yellow, and green thing- is Jamaica’s deal.  Not yours.  STOP EFFING WEARING IT LIKE YOU ARE SO ORIGINAL. It not only is not original… but ugly.  Deal.

Have you all ever heard of ambition? I’m doubting it… but living with your parents until you are 32 because its easy, not necessary… is NOT a component of ambition.

Locals- (specifically… my neighbors) driving your big ass truck on MY yard is not okay. Leaving your flip flops on MY yard is not okay.  AND MOST IMPORTANTLY leaving all your trash on my yard IS NOT OKAY.

Buying cars and putting “In Memory Of——” should not be a trendy thing to do.  It doesn’t make sense either!  You bought your car in loving memory of your deceased aunt?  No you didn’t… you bought it in loving memory of driving around instead of taking the bus. Like I’m all about making tributes to those that we’ve lost… but thats not the way to do it.

Have you ever heard of cleaning up after yourselves?  Hawaii would be SO much more beautiful if you all would just care about your house and yard and area in general.  I’m tired of seeing decent apartments and houses look like trash because y’all just don’t care.  You always blame the military for making Hawaii less beautiful.  If it wasn’t for the military here… we might as well just make you all a land fill island.  For the trash.  Locals… obviously you’ll be able to stay since you fit so neatly into that category.

I’m pissy.  Sorry.  No… you know what?  I’m not sorry. I’m pissy and Hawaii- you deserve all the rage that you are getting from me.  Probably even more.  I wish one of those volcanoes would take you out… never to be seen again.

A weekend full of bullets. (not literally… literary)

• If I have ONE more dream about television I may be forced to with go watching it for a couple weeks.  This time I dreamed I was one of Hef’s girlfriends… I love me some Girls Next Door.
• I played Wii for like 2 hours a day Saturday and Sunday… I can’t decide if I’m just a lot more out of shape than I had originally thought or if playing the wii is just that good of a work out.  Either way- I breathe and I feel every muscle in my back and I can’t straighten my arms out completely.  I haven’t been this sore in FOREVER.
• Saturday was J’s dad’s death day… 9 years.  Pretty crazy….
• J and I went to go see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last weekend.  So OBVIOUSLY this weekend was filled to the brim with the unforgetable scene “I’ve got a surprise for you!” while I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe. Ever notice how a naked girl is sexy and a naked guy is funny?  Haha
• I figured out how to get all the photos off my iPhone.  It was a magnificent moment of clarity. 4 months of attempts… concluding with SUCCESS! See a few examples of my world below.
  
  WHAT THE EFF IS ON THAT GUY’S HEAD?! I’ll tell you what… lots of tiny rubber bands.  Guy- You looked like such a douche bag that I had to take a picture of you.  Color coordinating your hair ties with your t-shirt= NOT COOL.
  
  OMG.  Hahahaha J found a tattoo in his poptart box so I convinced him that ass tattoos are exponentially cooler than upper arm tattoos.  TO THE MOOOOON!
  
  Alright alright alright… Hawaii doesn’t suck all the time.
  
  In fact sometimes… its quite pretty.
• I had the CRAZIEST dream… I was going to prom with the most random people in the world.  My date was this guy that I knew in high school but never once talked to.  The whole day before prom I had this power to “fix” whatever I wanted.  Almost like I had unlimited wishes.  All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine what I had was what I wanted and when I opened my eyes, it would be changed. I thought this was a great insight on how I’ve been feeling lately.  So while I was driving around earlier in the day I wished that my water was a delicious shake that was good for me.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my dress was designer.  And then it was.  Then I wished that my date was hotter.  And then he was.  Then I wished that I had the most perfect smokey eye look.  And then I did. By the end of my dream though, no one wanted to go to prom so it didn’t matter what my dress looked like or my make up.  Random… but neat I guess.  I wish I had that power. That’d be BA.

Hawaii Sucks.

I’m sitting at work in Downtown Honolulu with nothing to do.  After brainstorming I came up with the best blog idea EVER. I would like to inform everyone of why Hawaii sucks. That way you don’t have to be jealous when your friends are there. Because believe me- they should be jealous they aren’t where you are- wherever that may be. (i.e. federal prison, locked in a small basement, the projects, a world where the only shoes are Crocs, etc… you get the picture)

Being that I am still trying to develop my writer’s voice, I decided to do a little research on what others had to say about the topic first.  Now, I know firsthand what its like to live here but I thought it would be interesting to see another’s perspective on “Paradise.” And boy was it ever.

In Google I searched “Why Hawaii Sucks”- these are my faves that came up-
Hawaii-Sucks
Zero Shibai
There are tons more that are quite entertaining but those happen to be the best.

With all that being said- here are the top 10 reasons why Hawaii should become the new Alcatraz or be blown off the map entirely

10. They can’t speak English. Now don’t jump down my throat just yet- I’m not talking about the immigrants or tourists from Japan or China or wherever.  I’m talking about the locals who refuse to speak English.  They speak “pidgin”. If that can even be termed a language… Heres examples of Pidgin-

Da Kine: Anything to which you are referring when you can’t remember what it is.
ex) You going take da kine wit you fo go pick up da kine? ah. Oh Shoots.
translation) So are you going to take Susie and Judy with you to pick up the pizza and beer? Yes. Good.
Like Beef: want to fight?
ex) Eh Mahu, you like beef? Na, Na, Na Wendell. I sorry, I sorry.
translation) Hey, Gay Guy, Do you want to fight? Of course not Wendell. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Akamai: Someone who is very smart
ex) You know my Feezicks Professah, you know da bolo head one? Some Akamai!
translation) You know my Physics Professor at UH? The one with the shinny bald head? He is the most intelligent man I have ever known!

The bad spelling and such? That’s how it goes… I got that off of a website used to teach you pidgin.

9.  Food here is awful.  AWFUL.  Craving Mexican? Too bad.  Craving Italian? Get ready to wait a good long while for the only Italian Restaurant.  Loco Moco? GAG ME. Even worse than that? Big City Diner. I thought I was going to be sick for weeks after subjecting my poor digestive system to that level of nasty “food.” Loco Moco and Big City Diner are like the hot thing around here too.  The locals love it.  Does crystal meth effect your taste buds? If so, that MAY explain it.

8.  Traffic is RIDICULOUS. Now I may have to attribute this outlook to me coming from a semi-small town in Arkansas… but seriously.  Its BAD. Not only is traffic just always jam packed on the freeway at all times, but the people who are driving are the absolute worst drivers in the world.  Now, I am not a good driver by any stretch of the imagination but the people here make me look like a driving God.  They think its perfectly acceptable to screech out in front of you and have you nearly slam into them as long as they throw out the “shaka.”And they always wait until the last possible moment to merge.

7. Its wayyyyyyyyyyyy expensive.  I get $10.50 an hour at my job and I honestly thought I was doing alright for a bit until I realized that that gives me about $1450 a month… I couldn’t rent a studio apartment in the ghetto here for that.  Much less buy groceries, pay utilities, own a car, etc. Milk here- is $7 a gallon.  That’s dumb.

6. Racism here is more prevalent than in the south.  And this is coming from someone who has lived in both places. In the south we are still generally segregated when it comes to dating and socializing but believe me when I say that its NOTHING compared to here.   “Haoles,” as white people are so fondly referred to as, are ostracized. There is even a school here (Kamehameha) that has prohibited white people from attending.  Dead serious.  How is this even legal?!

5.  There are no attractive men here. I say this excluding military men because chances are they’re leaving the island within 6 months anyways so whats the point in including them?

4. There is no good shopping here.  Yes, there are nearly all the designer stores like Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Prada, etc.  But like I explained before- if you live here you can’t afford those.  I’m talking quality cheap clothing such as Forever 21 and stores like that.  There are some scattered throughout Pearl City and Aiea but they are lesser versions of the ones everywhere else.

3.  There is nothing to do here besides the beach.  And that (believe it or not) gets old fast. Even the radio stations here don’t provide entertainment.  They’re awful!

2. Its ugly. The touristy parts of the island are incredible.  I’m not going to lie about that.  If you come for a week or two and stay in Waikiki and go directly to the tourist places and back, Hawaii seems like its the single most beautiful place ever.  However, its not.  Its dirty, graffiti-ed, overrun with homeless, and just all around nasty.  The people here have no sense of pride in their areas. They junk it up like its nothing.

1. Its an island.  I’m not sure that many people grasp that concept.  They think “Wow a secluded island?! Must be romantic and beautiful!” Um. Its an island. As in thousands of miles of ocean surrounding you.  Want to go home for the holidays? Cough up $600+ to go ANYWHERE. Get upset and want to just go driving around? Watch for the ocean… it’ll sneak up on ya. College Road Trips start with a flight to mainland.

Blog-tastic Work Fun

I realize that I’ve been blogging out the wazoo the past couple days but hey- I have a lot of catching up to do. Plus some scandalous tidbits of life just happened and were literally begging to be put on the web.

I work at a small real estate company in Honolulu as an office assistant. Just general office work is my specialty. I smile and greet people, type, organize, manage, etc. I have been employed here for 4 months and absolutely love the people that I work with. (Yea… some are socially awkward but they grew up in Hawaii… what can you expect?) However, I have made a recent life decision that I am moving back to Arkansas to continue with school and be closer to my family. I’ve known this for about a month now and have already put a deposit on an apartment and reapplied (and been accepted) to school. While, I haven’t exactly told work yet, I have an excuse. I am not moving until the middle of May and being as it is now the middle of March, I don’t want them to find someone else and me be without a job for the next two months while my bills and moving expenses go off without a hitch. Therefore, I’m waiting until the beginning of May to tell them. I figure that that would be best seeing as it still gives them two weeks to find someone new and I still get to keep my job as long as possible.

One problem- I apparently kick ass at my job and am better than anyone they have ever had. Last month, (right after I put down my deposit) they presented me with a raise, which I gladly took. Our president is in town this week and I just got out of a meeting with him and the Principal Brokers about 2 minutes ago… and I’m apparently getting a promotion to presenter as well. Meaning that I’ll be getting another raise and bonus every time someone signs a Buyer’s Agreement. Holy. Cow. My lies are getting bigger and bigger. I’m not sure how much longer I can hide this. Apparently everyone in the office was in on this little secret but me because they keep coming up to me with their faces all lit up asking if I’m excited and saying “Congrats!” And well really, I can’t be like “Oh, thanks but no thanks. I don’t like having more money. I’ll pass on the promotion. ‘Preciate it though!” So I keep having to put up this front like I’m planning on living in Hawaii forever and that I love my job and I can’t wait for them to spend countless moments training me for this position I’m going to have a month and a half and then bolt. And on top of that I’m going to be getting like a $3/hr raise… Blah! I’m on lunch break right now with my trusty laptop fuming over the presentation of my newly acquired presentation skills that I’m supposed to give in oh…. 2 hours. I was presented the information for the first time about 45-60 minutes ago. Apparently this is what its like to be a big girl with a big girl job. Who knew?

** Update** I’ve decided not to take the job.  Wish me luck in explaining why to my bosses tomorrow…