Thoughts from a (Almost) Military Wife

When looking at this ship for the first time, I didn’t really think much of it.  Yes, I recognized the fact that hundreds of American Sailors lost their lives fighting for our country while stationed aboard… but I guess it really didn’t sink in.  When you see the big guns scattered throughout the main deck and the small beds and the mess hall, its difficult to imagine that for decades men spent their lives there.

Going back this last time was a totally different experience though.  As soon as I saw the hull of the huge ship my eyes began to water.  It was difficult to not see the man that I love floating away from me for months at a time on a ship nearly identical to this.   Now, when I saw the pictures of the sailors on display, all I could think about was how that was someone’s someone. Brothers, husbands, boyfriends, sisters, moms, dads, all lost at sea.

J was fascinated and took every opportunity to tell me what a certain thing was used for and stories that his friends had from being on ships.  But after about 20 minutes of being on the ship he turned around and really looked at me.  He could tell I was upset.  I always knew that he would have to get shipped off at one point.  Talking about something and actually seeing it are two completely different things though.  I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live without him and with my upcoming move and seeing the ship with him it all turned around.  Not only could I imagine it- but I didn’t like it. Every corner we turned reminded me that he would walk the halls of a ship like this for 6 months without me getting to see him, hold him, or kiss him.

He assured me that with his rank and rate that he would have access to a phone and internet 24/7.  But I know its not going to be the same. Even now I’m getting nauseous thinking about it.  I realize that whether we are married or not that I would have to deal with this separation… but it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

We didn’t go on the Arizona Memorial that day. But from the main deck of the Missouri you can see it.  I’ve been on it twice before. I remember watching the movie before they ship you over to the Memorial and watching the history of December 7th and remembering all the lives lost. I particularly remember one story where they told you that on the Memorial you could look down and see a grated opening where the men’s hands were reaching up for help until they finally drowned. No one could get to them.  They were locked in the underwater ship. Looking over from the MO, I lost it. All I could do was see J and imagine that he could be one of those hands reaching up some day and there would be nothing that I could do about it.

I am proud that he chose to be a United States Sailor. I’m proud that he has the opportunity to fight for our freedom.  Had he never joined, its highly probable that we would have never met.  However, that doesn’t change the fact that before he has even left I’m already on alert, hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

Coming from a military family I didn’t think that it was possible for me to gain even more respect for the men and women of the military.  But this weekend, I did. I felt the pain of the thousands of family members that have been visited by officers carrying a small envelope that informs them that their loved one in battle isn’t coming home.  I saw the tears of new mothers when they found out their husband wouldn’t get to see their first born.  I experienced the hurt and pain of separated newly weds.  A necessary evil, but evil nonetheless.