Happenings

My sister-in-law got here on the 5th and just left yesterday so I haven’t had much of an opportunity to get over here to write.  But don’t fret.  I’m here now.

I’m sure she expected her vacation to be a lot different. But if anything… it was very…. well lets just say it was very interesting and leave it at that.

What I did want to talk about was what my husband got me for Valentine’s Day.  A surprising book to say the least.  101 Sexy Dares by Laura Corn. Now why is this surprising you ask?  Because my dear has not even attempted to woo me sexually in a bit over 8 weeks.  Yea… newlyweds and the whole “not tonight babe… I’m tired/have a headache/ don’t want to/ have to work in the morning/ etc.” has not only begun… but it has been flipped over and done to me.  The wife.  I thought that was my role.  My job was to deny sex.  Apparently not. But I digress… back to the book.  This book is not a reading book but a doing book.  Not kama sutra either…. that stuff is weird.  This is a dare book.  Once a week both Justin and I sit down together and pick out a dare.  The only clue we get to what dare we may be picking is the title.  Each dare can only be read once its been torn out of the perforated book. But once it is torn out…. it must be completed within a week.  So basically you must be ready any time, all the time because you never know when your mate might perform his dare or when it might be the right time to surprise him with yours.

So my first dare for this week (we waited until his sister was gone) is called “Diamond Girl.” Ingredients: lots of jewelry, high heels, and candles. I am to put on all of my pretty jewelry and a pair of my highest high heels. And that is it. That. Is. It.  Next step is to gether all of the candles you have in your house and line your room with them. Step three- call him into the room and begin to seduce.

I feel like a lot of these dares are going to be very  interesting and I won’t want to perform them… but then again… if you don’t try new things then how in the world will you ever find what you like.  I may feel silly doing them but maybe Justin will really like it… or maybe not and we’ll just laugh together the entire time. Either way… I’m very much excited to go through the entire year with a new dare each week.

Top 10 things you didn’t (and possibly don’t want to) know about me.

I feel like a lot of my posts tend to skim the top and not really let the reader know about who I really am. So for today’s post I thought I would go with 10 facts that you didn’t and possibly don’t want to know about me.  Read at your own risk (talking to you mom.)

10. Despite popular belief, I have never cheated on a boyfriend.

9. I didn’t drink alcohol until February of my senior year of high school. And even then it was few and far between until I hit it hard in the summer following graduation.

8. I lost my virginity when I was 15.

7.  I have serious social anxiety.

6. I have never smoked a cigarette.

5. I have never done recreational drugs.

4. I have gotten so drunk that I have wet the bed. Twice. While not in my own bed.

3. I believe in ghosts, witches, angels, demons, vampires, and aliens.

2. I tried to become bulimic for about 3 months when my parents were going through a divorce.

1. I was sexually assaulted on Valentine’s Day 2005.

This makes my vagina hurt.

This woman had a set of OCTUPLETS.  As in 8 children in her belly all at once. OW.

On top of that…. she has SIX more children at home.  Two of which were twins. Do you have any idea how many hours of labor that must have been!? Her poor vagina….

OW.

The Saga Continues…

My brother texted me last night.

My uncle tried to kill himself over the weekend.

He hasn’t been coping well since my father died and apparently decided that he didn’t want to try coping anymore.  So he took 25 Ambien and slit his wrists.  Totally disregarding his 2 young girls, 2 step children, wife, and military career.

I understand that he’s sad that Daddy is gone… I’m sad…. my brother is sad… a lot of people are still hurting that he’s gone. But none of us are going to end our lives because we can’t deal.

I’m just totally confused at it all… not simply because he thought that that was the only way to make it stop hurting but that they weren’t close.  I get that they were brothers so there’s automatically a special bond there…. but other than that basic brother bond…. that was it.  They didn’t speak.  They didn’t email. Nothing. In fact, if anything it was more of the opposite.  They went out of their way to not speak.

What bothers me most though is that people are putting this golden glow around my dad since he’s gone.  He was a great man.  He was.  But like any other human he had his faults. And its not right to totally disregard those faults like they never happened.  Its like the end of a long relationship.  You need to look back on the good times and smile… but also look on the bad times and remember.  Not only does it make it easier to cope with but it makes it keeps his true memory in tact. It keeps the essence of my father alive to remember him how he truly was and not this picture-perfect person that never existed.  And it makes me want to scream that people keep muddling his memory. Maybe they didn’t know him like I did. Maybe they never took the time to sit with him and talk… but if that’s the case, they have no business being affected by his death at all.

Secondly, I have issues with the fact that my aunt messaged my brother and told him about my uncle but didn’t think that I would care to know.  I realize that I’m not that liked on that side of the family but I still deserve the consideration of knowing that the one person on that side of the family that I do like, tried to kill himself. He’s my Uncle Monkey… why would I not want to know?

Thirdly, I would like to point out that my dad dying and my uncle trying to die should be 75% attributed to my failure of a grandmother. When you have your husband carrying you in and out of the house to go to the hospital because you are too drugged up to walk yourself, when you put up divorce papers on numerous occasions because you are so high that you don’t know what you’re doing, when you beat your children so much it leaves marks because the drugs cloud your conscience… when you do it so often that your children know nothing but prescription drugs and think that that is the norm…. you pass that on to them. And you wonder why you’re all alone?? Get a clue. It hurt me that you wouldn’t even look at me at Dad’s funeral. It hurt me more that you lied to me and told me you loved me while not even looking at me.  It hurt me most that when you “found out” that I was hurt a week or so later, you called my brother to say that you really did love me and wanted to apologize.  You didn’t even try calling me. You selfish, lying bitch. I know you don’t love me.  You never have. Why? Because I’m too much like my mom.  You know what I have to say about that? Good. I’d rather be not loved for being happy, successful, caring, smart, and driven… than be loved for being anyone other than who I truly am.

Why Kevin Rose is so hott.

I find it really difficult to be focused enough to write a real blog post right now.  I’m seriously distracted because Kevin Rose is clouding my thoughts.  If you’ve been living under a rock or a very large bubble, you may ask- “Who is Kevin Rose?”

Well.

First and foremost-
Um…. Hi :-)

Secondly, he’s so smart… he’s cofounder of Digg.com which I’m sure you have all heard about and he’s co-stars with Alex Albrecht on the weekly podcast Diggnation which NEVER ceases to entertain. They get a different kind of beer or tea each week and talk about some of the most digged stories on Digg.com.

He’s obviously very driven and knows what it takes to be successful. He took $6000 and turned it into an internet empire.

He made being a geek very sexy. And on top of that he’s king of sexy geeks.

AND He used to be a Boy Scout.  Rawr.

Write Down Every Little Thing That Makes You Love Me.

I was driving around yesterday with the windows down, music up, just loving life.  Then this song came on the radio.

It gets so easy to get in a slump when you’re in a long term relationship. To forget why you’re in the relationship in the first place or to just lose that luster and passion.  So to prevent that… I’m going to make a list and challenge you to do the same.  Make a list of all the reasons why you love the person you love. And when you feel like giving up or not care anymore… read it. Remind yourself.

I love my husband because…
… he’s my best friend.
… he doesn’t know the artificial me.
… he loves me.
… he genuinely cares about my feelings.
… he knows when I’m upset before I even say anything.
… he lets me be free.
… he gets just jealous enough to show he cares but doesn’t go over board.
… he helps me not worry so much.
… he is ambitious.
… he is honest.
… he would give me the world if he could.
… he kisses me in the morning even though I have morning breath.
… by marrying me he gave me awesome in-laws.
… he’s sweet.
… he’s thoughtful.
… his cartoon voices make me laugh no matter what.
… he saved me from an addiction.
… he didn’t let me get away.
… he apologizes when he knows he’s wrong.
… his main goal in life is to make me happy.
… he calls me just to say he loves me even though he’ll be home in 5 minutes.
… he buys video games that he doesn’t like because he knows I will like them.
… he wants to be neat me.
… he loves dogs.
… he wants to be an amazing father.
… he’s secure in himself and his dreams.
… he encourages me to do things I love.
… he speaks his mind.
… he wants the best for himself and his family.
… he’s smart.
… he is a wonderful cook.
… he’s the funniest person I know.
… he doesn’t stay mad for long.
… he wants me to be involved in every part of his life.
… he’s independent.
… he lets me be me.
… he’s ridiculously handsome.
… he’s my soulmate.
… he gives me so many reasons to love him that I don’t have time or energy to name them all.

Photo by Miles Witt Boyer

Shhhhh! I’m sleeping!

I was browsing the 20 something bloggers site and I came across the topic for the January Blog Carnival.

First Kiss.

My. Oh. My. Have a got a horribly embarrassing story for you.

I was in the 6th grade and I thought that I was so cool because I was “going out” with one of my older brother’s friend.  I mean he was 14 and I was 12.  How much more scandalous can you get?

We had been “going out” for about a month when my mom (who obviously had to chauffeur us everywhere at that point) came up with the idea that we could go on a “date” to the drive-in. I don’t even remember what movie was playing because I was too busy gazing starry eyed up at him and knowing that tonight I was going to get my first kiss.  I. was. scared. shitless.  So after the first movie was over and he still hadn’t kissed me yet, I snuggled up to him and pretended to go to sleep.  As my head lay in his lap (told you… scandalous…) (I KEEED.  I was only TWELVE PEOPLE! Get your head out of the gutter.) my mom decided to be all sly and go get some nachos at the concession stand to leave us alone for a bit.  Boyfriend went in for the kill.  Mind you, I was still “sleeping” at this point.  I flipped out.  All in my head. I was seriously about to have a heart attack because he was kissing me. Giving me my first real kiss. And what was I doing? Still pretending to be asleep.  Thats right.

The worst part about it? It wasn’t just like a peck first kiss.  He went from having never kissed me at all to trying to shove his tongue past my tonsils. And I pretended to be asleep the entire time.  I didn’t move a single muscle all 45ish seconds of him dousing my face with his spit. I stayed completely limp.

Boyfriend and I never said a word about it after the fact.  It was like it never happened.  If only I really could erase his memory of that.

Am I… pregnant…?

Okay.  This is me slightly freaking out.

Its kind of a possibility that I could be pregnant.

Last month, I went to the doctor and got the Deprovera shot.  She said that as soon as my cycle was over that it would be fine to have sex without protection. So I did.

Now, a bit later I’m tired all the time. Sick to my stomach 75% of the day. And Irritable… with serious mood swings.  As in one moment I’m laughing and smiling and the next I’m so annoyed that I want to punt kick kittens. I’m also having crazy dreams which when I looked up pregnancy was on the list as common symptoms.

Uh.  Please no. NOT YET. I really would like my 3 year plan to stay 3 years instead of 9 months…

Deep breaths….

New… EVERYTHING! well… almost.

It is officially 2009. Crazy right? This time last year I was single, pissed, and looking forward to going back home to Arkansas for good and finishing school. Now I’m married… back in Hawaii with the guy that I was so mad at… sitting with my beautiful new puppy, in my brand new house, and definitely not back in school. Its weird how thing happen like that.  How everything works out in the end.  I love it.

The only thing not new? T. T is back with a vengeance and really trying to make things difficult. He called the other day to talk about this girl that he was dating that “pulled a Danielle” and hasn’t been sober in over a week and a half. (Okay. SLIGHTLY perturbed by his word usage there.) He was upset because they had been seeing each other for a month or two and it was “understood” that they were exclusive even though there were no titles. (Yea. Apparently he likes the lack of titles.) Anyways.  New Year’s Eve he decided that he would rather hang out with his sister and brother-in-law than his not girlfriend. She ended up hanging out with this guy “that is a total loser” and ended up sleeping with him.  I told him that that sucks but she’s 20 years old and you made it clear that you were not her boyfriend.  She can do what she wants. Everyone needs to go through a crazy phase like that.  Just sucks that you had to have two kind-of-girlfriends that went through it while they were with you.  The conversation followed that path for the next hour and 15 minutes. —- Fast forward to later that night. He called again.  Drunk. In Fayetteville. Heading to the casino in Siloam.  I thought this was a normal call until he asked if I had him on speaker.  Of course I didn’t. He then began to tell me all about how he knows that we are made for each other and how mad he is that I had to go to Hawaii and get better then get engaged and not give him a chance after I was sober.  He was saying that Justin isn’t good enough for me and theres no way that I love Justin more than I loved him.  I told him if he really meant all that he said that he would call back the next morning and tell me that he meant it. Sober. And well aware of his words. (Not that it would change ANYTHING.) He called. He meant it. He was sober for the very first time telling me how he really felt. And it was far too late.

The Ultimate Daddy Issue.

I’m not sure if it was clear in my last post but I wanted to explain my absence.

On the 30th of November I got a call from my step-mother saying that my dad was sick again and that she would like for me to come and help her out because the kids were getting out of hand.  I was “busy” of course.  I didn’t want to be an enabler. I didn’t want to make it okay for him to be sick.  I wanted him to realize that he had obligations and there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out of those obligations.  He chose to be sick. He chose to neglect his family and remain addicted to prescription drugs. He chose it and he would have to live with it.  I was tired of making excuses for him or not making excuses and just being embarrassed of his actions and that nothing seemed to be good enough to make him want to be better than he was. 

I laid around all day and life went on as normal. 

8:00 am on the 2nd of December my step mom called again.  I wasn’t busy… I was sleeping. I woke up just long enough to press ignore and go back to sleep. Again, I refused to be an enabler. I refused to bail him out. Twenty minutes later I woke up to her calling again. I wondered why she wasn’t calling the kids’ nanny and why she absolutely had to keep trying to wake me up.  It couldn’t be that bad.  I went back to sleep after hitting ignore one more time. Ten minutes after that my mom came to the couch where I had passed out the night before and woke me up.  She was crying.

“Shit.  He must really be legitimately sick this time….”

She told me that we needed to go upstairs and that I needed to sit down.

We went up to my room.  I sat on the edge of the bed. And my world came crashing to a halt.

My dad had died that morning.

He was 43 years old. 

What sucks most about this?

I’m still mad at him… even more mad than I was, if thats possible. 

Yes, I miss him.  Yes, I love him. And yes, I’m still so very angry with him.

I’m angry that he left the way he did. I’m angry that he’ll never have the chance to get better. I’m angry that he missed my wedding by 2 short weeks. I’m angry that he left my little brother and sister without a father when they are so young. I’m angry that most of my memories of him aren’t all that pleasant. I’m angry that he deprived my unborn children of a grandfather.  I’m angry that I can’t listen to a Garth Brooks song without thinking of the funeral and crying. I’m angry that I can’t watch a Robin WIlliams movie without getting upset because they look and act so much alike. I’m angry that he didn’t want to get better.  I’m angry that I’ll never know why I wasn’t worth him putting himself into rehab like he promised on multiple occasions.  I’m angry that he left me angry.

Do you know what my only vivid Christmas memory of him is…? The time my mom and I were trying to put up the artificial Christmas tree and we couldn’t get it straight so we woke Dad up from a nap to get him to help real fast…. He threw the tree across the room.

Then there was this one time that his wife called me saying that I needed to go pick up his truck from Wal-Mart.  He drove there so drugged up that he couldn’t look straight and took my little brother with him on top of that.  He had went to pick up more prescriptions. The police escorted him out of the store and took my brother from him. 

More sad than that was that it wasn’t the first time something like that had happened. Back when I was in middle school my dad’s doctors stopped feeding his problem and wouldn’t prescribe him anymore. I didn’t know that he had a drug issue at this point. I was still Daddy’s Little Girl. He started detoxing and began to have hand tremors.  Being a lab tech and having hand tremors isn’t the best thing for your career.  So late at night when the clinic was closed he would take me up to the lab and I would do the tests for him. He would stand by me and tell me exactly what to do but I was the one who did it because he would have spilled all the blood. On our way home late one night/early one morning, we were driving on the highway through town. I said “Daddy, how about driving on the actual road?” “Danielle, I am!” “No, Daddy you aren’t!  Look!” We were well over on the shoulder and extremely close to landing in the ditch. He swerved and somehow we made it home.

He used to get chronic migraines and it was like waking a sleeping bear if you ever happened to get so unlucky to do that. Then it was his stomach. Then his back. Then his legs. Migraines again. Stomach. Back…. and it goes on. 

When I found out that dad had an issue it had been nearly 7 years into his addiction. My mom took my brother and I to our grandparents’ house across the state. We went back to pack up our things…. the garage was collapsed because my dad had gotten angry that my mom had hid his medicine and called all the pharmacies in town to warn them to not give him any. He had drove his truck into the side of the garage in frustration that he wouldn’t be getting his medicine. Walking inside the house was a nightmare.  Our library was a disaster area.  Every single book and paper was torn off the shelves and littered the floor.  Family pictures and old love letters thrown down as if they meant nothing. 

I never got to see him get better for long.  After the divorce was final he was better for a little bit. He found someone he loved and his only vice was his daily glass of boxed wine. He was better for around 2 years… I was jealous that he wanted to get better for his new wife and stepson but apparently my brother, mother, and I weren’t good enough.  After that 2 years was up though… he seemed worse than before. It seemed as though nothing mattered to him at all anymore.  He gave up his job and applied for disability. He didn’t want to be around any of his kids. He sat back in the sunroom and slept. 

I’m not sure how but I think that he must have known that something horrible was going to happen because about a week before his death I was over spending time with him…. and out of the blue he looked at me and asked me to promise him something that I didn’t even remember until I was looking down on him at the viewing.  He said “Danielle.  Promise me something.   This is very important and I need you to not forget. If something happens to me I want to be buried with my mason’s ring and apron. Now, Danielle.  Pay attention. Your grandmother didn’t want your grandfather buried with his.  But it is VERY IMPORTANT to me that I am.  Please make sure that if something happens to me that my apron and ring are with me.” They were. I actually think that that was the last time that I saw him too. 

It really upsets me that all of those bad things sometimes overshadow my good memories of him… like when he took my to my Girl Scout Troop’s father-daughter sock hop and I wore his high school class ring around my neck and we danced to “Earth Angel.”  He begged the DJ all night to put it on… and finally on the last dance he did. Or the time when we were at this wedding and he kept dancing with me to “Shout” and then he let me slow dance with him while I stood on his feet. Or the time he drove all the way out to Hot Springs to watch me lose at Miss Teen Arkansas. Or the time when he grew a ponytail because Duncan McCloud had one and my mom and I begged him to cut it so after weeks of begging he finally did. Or the time when he came with Justin and I to Rogers because he wanted to be there when the JP pronounced us husband and wife officially before the wedding. Or the time he finally gave Justin the “she’ll always be my little girl and by the way I don’t have a gun… I have a samurai sword” talk. 

…. So now I guess I face my biggest daddy issue of all.  Forgiving… without forgetting.